When Death Comes Knocking… Part 15 of My Journey

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(Image from abcnews.com)

Sitting in bed this morning, my mind and senses took me back to a moment in Tahoe when I was just a kid. I was hanging out in Myers which is a town just outside of South Shore at my friends’ house (two gals my mom cared for) and the rain had just ended. We all enjoyed some cream of wheat and the fresh smell of the after rain air! The grey sky, the mist that remained in the air over the greenery that surrounded the area, the warm and sweet taste of delicious cream of wheat… (deep breath) I can almost feel, smell, and taste everything about that moment! There’s something so healing and beautiful about this memory! How my spirit longs for those times when things seemed so simple, when eating disorders didn’t exist, when all that mattered was that sweet and fragrant air and that big bowl of warm goodness covered in butter, sugar and milk, when my stomach could actually handle those things without cramping up until I nearly curl over in pain, and when my body was free to run, hike, sled and ride bikes all over the Lake Tahoe area. I was always an active kid until my move to Las Vegas and sexual abuse started over, making me so depressed and not really want to do anything. In that moment in Tahoe, I was safe. No predators, just good friends, good food, and the sweet after rain air! Today, I’m definitely battling pain. I’ve gone from being able to run anywhere from 2 to 14 miles and training for what was supposed to be my first marathon back from forced retirement to finding it hard to walk and run again; However, I found out why oatmeal tends to be my staple food. It’s the closest thing to that warm and comforting bowl of cream of wheat that my stomach can handle and it brings me back to one of my most cherished memories and one of the few that I have that were free of emotional and physical pain. It also brings me back to the days when I was running and racing as it was my choice fuel each morning. Anyhow, I’m going to take advantage of this time, attempt to go on a walk (run if my body allows) and continue to share my journey with you!

Now, I left off in my last post as I had just finished my summer semester biology course with and was struggling to walk again. Now… on to part 15 of my journey.

My Journey Part 15

Now, I never intended for it to take this long to share my journey! To those who have been reading so far, thank you so much! I will try to keep details as minimal as possible and get through the rest of this as quickly and painlessly as possible!

Fall semester of 2015 definitely had its battles! Classes started only a few weeks after summer classes had ended, however those few weeks were a much needed break during which worked extra hours at Kmart and got a little surprise! As I mentioned before in my last post my sister was pregnant again and was just about to have another baby. Apparently she had cleaned up and, this time around, it looked much more hopeful being that the babies father really had his life together. The problem is, she had her baby on July 10, and because of the circumstances surrounding her firstborn son and my mother having custody of him, I was unable to see the baby. Shut out, from the beginning. As much as it affected my family and me, I had to press on and move on!

I was originally signed up for a full course load of, I believe 13 units, however due to the pain I had to take care of me, cut back to working 2 days at Kmart (doing housesits to make up for the lack of hours) and drop a class. My fall class lineup included experimental analysis biology, intro to probability and statistics, Gym, beginning swimming (as I was released to do balance and water workouts), and comparative religion (philosophy). I absolutely LOVED philosophy as it gave me such a wonderful opportunity to compare and contrast other faiths with my own and really see and connect the truth of God using it as a basis for all of my coursework. In essence, I was ministering to everyone who read it! What an honor!

(Evening swim where I enjoyed working off the stress from classes despite pain)

I was approved by medi-Cal for another round of treatment from the same physical therapist which was a relief. However, I was still battling a lot of the same aches and pains. Her treatment continued through the first month, but then… due to my coverage, had to come to an end. There I was, just barely through the first portion of my fall semester, and I had to use the tools that all my physical therapists had given me over time to do what are known as “self adjustments.“ With these adjustments, I had to learn how to use muscle energy to move my hips and spine back into place. However, these only worked for so long and I ended up in even more pain. During this time, I had become friends with a very kind lady who referred me to her chiropractor in El Cerrito. Meanwhile, in our visits together, she did make note of how thin I was. I took her comments as attacks assuming that she was just jealous. Yeahhh I was prideful! At the same time, I couldn’t understand why SHE would be jealous of ME because she is so beautiful! I used some of my grant money to go to a couple visits with the chiropractor she recommended and things begin to somewhat look up. He encouraged me to just ice and keep moving as it was the only way I could properly heal. Move and let the body adapt to being in alignment. That made sense! After a few visits with him, I continued to use my muscle energy exercises and combined that with his treatment in order to help me make it through the semester.

In the month of October, the pressure from classes, finances, not knowing what was going on with my sister and the new baby, and anorexia Athletica took their toll on me!

After spending several hours a week at the gym and in the pool along with all the studies and running around I had to do in order to get things done being that I didn’t have a car….. I became exhausted, depressed, and nearly lifeless. I was staying at a housesit, caring for the dog, studying till I couldn’t think straight, and on October 11, 2015, I was so exhausted from everything that I stayed home from church for the first time in a very long time. My mom came to pick me up and I was just sobbing telling her I just needed to be left alone. Even though I was dressed, I went upstairs, fell asleep, and cried when I woke up. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to live, but I ate anyway and spent the day resting. That evening, my godmother gave me a call and invited me to go swimming with her at her gym since the following day was a holiday and we both thought that my swimming class would not be meeting. (As it turned out it was meeting but thankfully my professor let it slide).I accepted her offer and met up with her the following morning. There. I spent over an hour in the pool and got out. Afterwords, I showered and met up with her in the main part of the locker room where she said, “I think I’m going to go and weigh myself.” “ yeah,“ I said, “I like to stay OFF of the scale, it can be a danger zone for me.“ The thing is, the Holy Spirit was using her to coax me onto that scale! After she got on, I felt the urge to get on and found out that soaking wet, after eating a huge breakfast and swimming, I weighed just over 84 pounds! NO WONDER I FELT SO LIFELESS! That evening, after she dropped me off, I started an Instagram page right away to log my journey. I decided I was not going to allow 84 pounds to kill me. Little did I know, the battle for my life was only beginning.

(I originally took photos w/ out my face showing to keep myself anonymous)

Though I was stepping into, my eating patterns were still out of whack! I still ate very few fats and was still eating way below the caloric intake that I needed to. At the same time, I was being a little more open about what I included in my diet. I started eating more grains and proteins from fish, eggs and even chicken (I later found out I’m allergic to chicken). At the same time, I drenched everything and Stevia, salt, and lemon juice or vinegar.

Meanwhile, I continue to drive every bit of energy that I had into classes, jumping from housesit to housesit, counseling appointments, doctors appointments, chiropractic appointments, constant issues with illness and all dealing with financial issues and my moms car having some issues as well.

Thankfully, I made it through and finished once again with straight A’s! It seemed like the only thing going for me with school! Though during the semester I was given the opportunity to take part in filming by doing some narrative in the school orientation video, outside of that, I didn’t really get to act. Physical exercise was painful, but I did anyway and really didn’t enjoy as much. However, it definitely helped clear my mind from all the craziness that was going on!

That year, just before classes ended I was singing in the choir in the annual “Singing Christmas tree.” Once classes and the show were over, I found myself having hard time walking again! I sucked it up, enjoyed the little time of Christmas break that I had and prepare to head straight into my Spring 2016 semester. During the break, my godmother got married and at her wedding, I sang “We’ve Only Just Begun” by the Carpenters. Still thin and frail, I had no idea how closely resembling my life and Karen Carpenter’s had quickly become (thankfully… I’m not dead).

As my spring semester started, I found myself plunging completely into classes.

I found it was a sanctuary away from my home life. It was a place where I could study and be away from the chaos at home. I found myself preferring to be at school drowning myself in studies rather than staying at home and facing my reality. My spring class lineup of 13.5 units included human anatomy, pre-calculus, acting on film and television, lab, assisted tutoring, swim, and Pilates. At the get go, the Holy Spirit was prompting me to take better care of myself. You see, in anatomy we had to look at cadavers throughout most of the semester. One of the cadavers just happened to have died from cancer that triggered anorexia nervosa. Her main cause of death was anorexia.

At the beginning of the semester, I began to get sick… repeatedly. I continued on with my classes. Despite the injury, I continued to do what I could to just keep pressing through. I started seeing a different chiropractor in El Sobrante. He was Very first one I had ever seen. While his treatments did help a little, I found myself still in a lot of pain. Medi-Cal was supposed to cover one visit a month and I found out later that he wasn’t taking Medi-Cal, so a bill was piling up. I was misinformed by his secretary, so unknowingly, I racked up a relatively large debt. Meanwhile chaos hit in my personal life!

You see, just as suspicions had arose, my sister had been using drugs again! As a result, she ended up in a situation that put both her and her new baby in danger and my mom and I ended up having him in our care for three days. Though this was an answered prayer because I hadn’t even met my new nephew yet, at the same time, it was me who had to stay home and inside with a traumatize child yet again!

I did the best I could to look past how the situation effected me, did what I could to emotionally hold it together, do my schoolwork, and be as loving to little guy is possible even though I was in pain. After all, it wasn’t about me, it was about my nephew who just really needed a lot of love. Soon, the little guy’s dad came to pick them up and he was taken from us once again. My heart broke! This was just another reason for me to dive even deeper into my studies and unknowingly into bad eating patterns. After all, though I was including new foods, I was not getting enough calories for all the energy that I was putting out.

Shortly after the situation with my sister and the baby, my mom’s car broke down which meant I had to take the bus to and from school and pretty much anywhere else I needed to go. It wasn’t so bad considering that I could spend the hour or so that I spent waiting for or on the bus to do my studies without interruption. The problem was that I was already putting out a lot of energy with studies and gym classes and was not eating enough to even maintain that let alone walking (carefully) to and from the bus stop and putting out more energy going from stop to stop. Along with that came trying to just maintain my health and not get hurt again. All the running around just increased the pain that I was in. To make matters worse, nearly 3/4 of the way through the semester, I received news that my grandmother on my dad side who I was not able to see and barely able to talk to over the previous two years due to the restraining order that I had on him and the fact that he lived with her had passed away! Not only that, but upon calling my Aunt D… I found out that she had suffered from severe abuse from some family members (Who I’ll keep nameless) until just a few months prior to her death. I had just gotten out of class, had been studying all day and received the original news of her death via Facebook! FACEBOOK OF ALL PLACES! No one had called me to let me know that her health was deteriorating, no one informed me of anything despite the fact that I was still in contact with some of my relatives on that side, I had to find out through Facebook of all places! I completely fell apart so much so that I ended up missing my swim class.

The next day, I Called my professor for swim and explained to him the situation with my grandmother passing and he totally understood!

(Empty pool all to myself was just what I needed to relieve the stress)

He allowed me to go to the pool and make up my class. The pool was empty, and I pretty much had it to myself that day. I think maybe one other person was there which was a total godsend! After my swim, I stood in the shower, half lifeless again, and began to weep hysterically. I then pulled my things together, finished up the little homework that I had left to do at the transfer station on campus, then caught the bus and went on with my day.

Throughout the semester, I found so much joy in learning anatomy! Professor Coatney had so much life and passion for what she did! Along with that, my acting in film and television course (taught by the amazing professor Mccarty-Shwab) gave me such an incredible outlet! I was acting, working out, and learning… I was pretty much doing everything that I loved to do! On top of it, I was just granted some help financially with getting started on my dream which is a clothing and jewelry line called “Messenger Gear” that help spread awareness and raise funds to stop human trafficking. The only problem was, my self-worth was in the toilet! The devastation from everything going on around me between my mom’s car breaking down, barely being able to afford to eat at times, the battle with the eating disorder and the death of my grandmother had finally taken their toll on my body and the Friday before finals… I was rushed to the emergency room with severe chest pain.

The ER team let me in immediately and I was placed on the scale to find that I weighed only 190 pounds. At 5 foot 4 1/2 inches, though I had gained 6 pounds over the semester, I was still not carrying nearly enough weight especially considering everything I was doing. As I sat there waiting for the doctor to come in, I obsessively went over my flash card cards for my Anatomy final exam. Then, a dear friend of mine that I had worked for as his personal assistant came in and saw the mess that I was! I was completely embarrassed!

(Yeaaahh I thought I was fat)

The doctor told me that I needed to be at 118 pounds so that my body can heal. My mind did not even want to wrap itself around the idea of gaining nearly 30 lbs. to me, 110 (which was recommended by my general practitioner) was OK, but one 118 was completely out of the question! Yep, I was definitely sick!

Finals week came and went and I came out victoriously by the hand of God with, he straight A’s again! Only by the grace of God was I able to even accomplish these things! Yes, I put in the hard work and the hours of study, but it’s only by His grace that I was able to achieve anything at all!

Summer break came and along with it came the invitation to go to my grandmothers memorial service with my cousins! This was such a bittersweet moment! My father had apparently moved back to Hawaii making it possible for me to go to the event.

(My beautiful cousin Natalie)

While there, I stayed at my grandmothers home and the PTSD set in more than I could’ve ever imagined! I repeatedly kept asking my relatives if they were sure that my dad was not coming. Around every corner of the house and everywhere I went, I watched cautiously, I panicked as my uncle took me from place to place in his car, and at the memorial I had a mini face off with my Aunt V who grabbed me by my wrist and made me feel like crap for staying in my grandmothers home while visiting. Despite what I felt in connection to the confrontation with this person, I decided to enjoy the time that I did have with my family.

The ceremony was absolutely beautiful! The thing is, the eating disorder reared its ugly head again! Though I tried to gain weight, I wasn’t eating enough again. I was very guarded about what I ate the entire time I was there! I didn’t let anybody in! I tried to work out, but my body just flared up again!

On the way home, my cousins wanted to go out to San Francisco which is just about a half hour to 45 minutes from where I live. So, in an effort to redeem the mess that my birthday was, they took me out for a day on the town!

(My cousins Josh, Brianna and me enjoying SF)

It was so refreshing to have sushi and to walk all over the city with my amazing family that I had really not even gotten to get to know until that day! Honestly, I wish I could do it all over again! That day, I experienced a lot of food freedom that I didn’t have before and was even able to do a nice long hike with them!

Then, at the end of the hike, my body acted up once again! All the sitting from traveling and the hiking up and down hills had taken it’s toll on me. Just prior to my visit out there, I had began to go to a place called the joint chiropractor in Pinole. After my cousins dropped me off at home, I rested for the evening. The next day, I tried to go for a walk and my body locked up on me. I quickly went to the chiropractor and they helped me figure out a way to help me recover. There I was again.. at ground zero, about to start summer classes and in pain. On top of it, as loving as the majority of my family was at the memorial, the whole visit caused a severe psychological set back. My being in the same area where a lot of the traumatization happened with my dad just really messed with my head! At the same time, I tried to hold onto any sign of hope that I possibly could which meant facing summer classes regardless of how I felt!

For now, I will have to leave off here! What I will say is that to give you an idea of what I’ve had to face in the healing process, it’s not just that I’ve had to go from practitioner to practitioner to practitioner, but if you all understand the fact that I’ve been traumatized by abuse repeatedly throughout the course of my life… to have to face different health practitioners who are supposed to help me only to have my health go down the toilet once again has been, to me, emotionally like being abused repeatedly. While I’m 100% sure that they all mean well and are doing the best they can by me (for which I’m eternally grateful)… Different hands touching my body, sometimes in places that aren’t quite comfortable in order to get the healing process to go through and being told by each practitioner that I will most definitely will be able to run and race again only to be left time and time again struggling to walk, crying out to God for help… I’ve just come to my wits end with the whole situation. Again, I’m at Ground Zero trying to figure out just what to do. Also, if I can be brutally honest with you all, throughout the semester even though I was doing things that I like to do, I was completely miserable! So much so that there were even times that I nearly checked myself into a mental hospital. The pressure, the pain, the trauma, emotionally and physically I just had enough! It’s only by the grace of God that I didn’t check in and that I am where I’m at today! Do know that whatever you’re facing, that God is with you! If you ever need help, don’t be afraid to reach out! I’m so grateful for my counselor and my mother that have been there throughout this time. Without them, I don’t think I’d be alive today. Until next post.. God bless and stay strong!

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From race adventures to Shattered Dreams: Part 13 of my Journey

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Hey all! After a long break from blogging I’m back again! I guess now would be a good time to continue where I left off in my journey! Just a quick refresher, in part 12 of my journey I left off where I just received news that my godfather was slowly fading, I was finishing up a housesit while getting ready for a new one, and chaos at home was out of control! The reason why it’s taken me so long to post this portion is that the season I’m about to discuss is pretty heavy for me, meanwhile I have to be careful how I word everything in order to protect people that I love! That being said… I will continue with part 13 at my story.

My Journey Part 13

There are two places that I feel that I get to be myself the most. The first one is out in nature, running, hiking, training for and running races. I just feel so free! Second, is the one that I’ve known since I was a kid… the performing arts, when I’m acting, singing, dancing… honestly, if I would have a career of my choice it would definitely be as a professional actor! Now this next season that I was entering into was about to throw me full throttle into the race field while watching the very man that I called my God-dad… begin to fade, and soon pass.

During this time, I was also caring for my God Grammy and doing house sits. Weekdays, I would train early mornings and help out with God Grammy in the afternoons. Weekends, I started racing just about every weekend, sometimes multiple times in a weekend with my godmother! I’m going to keep the details here minimal because this time period is a sensitive season for both my God family and me. I need to honor their feelings and learn to be a little more guarded about my own.

While caring for my God Grammy just before my godfather passed, my godmother and I became nearly inseparable. It’s through her and her family that I was able to witness firsthand what a stable family life is like! During the most uncomfortable season of my godfather’s life, he was asked if he wanted me to leave and he responded with, “no, she makes it better!“ This statement was one of the most profoundly healing statements I’ve ever heard in my life! You see, the girl who was always told I wasn’t good enough, that I was an irritation, that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I was fat, that I was loud and annoying, the one that nobody liked, this… girl…. me? My heart will forever cherish the memory of that moment!

Upon the passing of my godfather, my life went even more out of control! While I did care for my God-grmmy from time to time, I wasn’t around her and my Godmother as much. Meanwhile, things with my sister began to go down-hill as well. She was trying so hard to get her life together. She was released to live in transitional home where the county was going to try to help her get back on her feet. The problem is, every time she tried to make a step forward, something got her way and set her back! I could see the hope begin to fade from her eyes! I could also see the presence of substance abuse returned her life. I told my mom what I suspected, she didn’t want to believe it at first, but as time went on it became more and more evident.

I continued to plow myself into training and racing! It was on the race course that I was given the name “scripture girl” Because I never race without one on my shirt! Everywhere I went, when people asked me why I ran, I told them the story of how God delivered me from drug addiction and gave me a new life! Each weekend held new racing adventures for me including my first ultra marathon called the Diablo Hills 50 K, during which I learned so many lessons! For more on the story behind this you can read the blog from that I wrote as a review of that race here: Diablo Hills 50k

Running was my passion, my ministry platform, my outlet… but little did I know… this season was fast fading. You see, with the chaos that surrounded me I became more and more restrictive with my eating patterns and dropped to a very low weight. While I was eating a lot, it wasn’t the right nutrients to keep me properly fueled and I believe it became more and more obvious to people around me. Meanwhile my visits to Dr. Runco became more and more often. I did everything I could to try to hold on to the one last bit of life I felt that I had left.

As my sister’s birthday approached, we went out to visit her and it was obvious that her situation had worsened! After we had eaten, I saw her coming down and passed the couch as my nephew walked up to me wanting to play. He was so exhausted, you could see the stress on his face… As my mom and I got ready to leave, little guy acted like he didn’t want my mom to go! He squeezed her and held onto her for dear life… as we drove away, I looked over at my mom and said “we’ve got to do something! There’s got to be a way to get him safe!“ As my mom and I discussed it we just didn’t know what to do. Soon, we found out that CPS had caught wind of my sister’s situation as it had worsened. In order to protect my sister, I do have to keep the details surrounding these issues quite as well! You see, she’s a very good mother when she’s on drugs. She’s a very good human in general when she’s not on drugs. She’s one of the most beautiful, caring, intelligent, talented and amazing young women I’ve ever had the pleasure of being around! I hate, and I don’t say this lightly… I HATE DRUGS AND WHAT THEY DO TO PEOPLE AND FAMILIES!

Now, in July, we found out that little dude would soon be coming to live with us! What a relief! By the grace of God, He was going to be safe! On July 10, 2014, just as I finished the 10k for the Brazen Racing 100th race anniversary, I saw my mom pushing him up in a stroller! I went and did another 3 mile loop to make sure I had my mileage for the next half marathon that I was doing, and… I felt a tug on the left side and what people have assumed repeatedly to be considered my sciatic nerve area! Whatever it was… I shook it off and did my best to hide it as I hobbled around and celebrated with everyone! I went and took pictures with my nephew and I was so excited to have him there getting to be a part of what I loved to do!

While I felt a part of me died since my sister was no longer clean and sober, I felt a sweet sense of love and admiration for a little boy would soon become a friend during one of the darkest periods of my life. We went off to celebrate, and then went home he enjoyed some family time together! As the tugging got worse, it was more more difficult to train up and down the hills in the area that I live in. Some days I would be able to go outside and run, others, I would attempt to, but my left side would get locked up! However, I chose keep pushing through! The half marathon I was training for came and I pushed through, however, again the tugging worsened! We got home, mom dropped me off that with little guy while she went to work, I went to pick him up and get him out of the high chair and… The tugging got even worse! I soon ended up taking a few weeks back from racing, and had to run back and forth in my apartment in order to be able to train on a flat surface and keep my mileage up for the next event I was hoping to run. During the days, I would stay home and watch little one when my mom went to work!

While home with him, I dealt with issues that I was not really ready to deal with!, You see, because he was flushing the drugs out of his system, he had a lot of temperamental issues. The tantrums were horrendous, and he would wake up, drenched in sweat after his naps. Since picking him up worsened my injury, I had a hard time comforting the poor kid, but through it all I found that we were healing together. Despite the tantrums, we found joy in our time together watching kids movies and playing together.

Right around the same time, my time caring for God Grammy had come to an end and she was transitioning into a new stage of care. She too was beginning to fade… and I had no control!

Finally, my injury seemed to be a bit better and I got the ok to run another event, so… off I went to

the Bear Creak half marathon!

There I was, thinking that all I had to do was one more half marathon after Bear Creek to complete the ultra half series, but little did I know that this would be my last race! Off and on prior to the race, the tugging got worse and my left hip begin to lock up. People kept telling me that I had sciatica, but what people don’t realize is that they aren’t doctors and that sciatica is just a SYMPTOM of a deeper issue, it’s not a proper diagnosis. This was DEFINITELY NOT SCIATICA!! Race day came, I got the medical OK to go ahead with it, and what an adventure!!! Every hill, every twist and turn, every view was just so breathtaking! Toward the end, the tug started again! Then, their came a drop that I didn’t expect! Just as I thought the race was almost over, there was a staircase that took me quickly down then back up and then… to FINISH!!!

I quickly went off to ice my injury and celebrate with the family. I kept quiet the whole time about how bad the issue was… as I was half hobbling around.

When my family returned home, mom went off to work and I was there at home with little guy… again… I went to pick him up, and the tug was horrific this time!

That week, I went to Dr. Runco and he could see that I was pretty bad. I continued to fight while not able run outside without having my left sacral area lock up. I continued to run back-and-forth in my apartment to keep my cardio up. I took baby steps and tried to keep proper form and found myself being able to finally run a few miles here and there outside but it definitely was a battle. I had to cancel race plans knowing my body just wasn’t up for it. Finally, my body had had enough. I went for a 4 mile run at Fernandez park and in the last mile as I headed toward the bridge… my left side locked up again. I took shorter strides and pushed myself through so I could get to the car, ice and stretch in hopes that it would go away. I quickly tried to shut off the worry of the pain that I felt and refocused my mind on the events of the evening at Hilltop Community Church. We were having a harvest day carnival and a very accomplished magician that grew up attending our church was scheduled to perform! I went in and did my volunteer work for the event, then quickly headed off to see the show! In pain, full of uncertainty… this was just what I needed! Afterward, I was blessed to be able to meet and speak with him. I felt like a total idiot! There was, talking to him about running ultramarathons, and little did he know… I could barely walk!

Then… it was off to face reality once more.

The next day, I went to try to walk at Fernandez park and on the way back, my sacral area locked up again. In pain… I panicked! Barely able to walk and it was my fault!! I’d pushed myself to run and race even though I felt my body begin to tell me no. I asked my mom to take me to the ER and they advised me to quit going to Dr. Runco (worst decision ever) and consult my doctor about getting physical therapy. Thankfully, I was just granted medi-cal, so… I started on my new journey to seek help.

There I was… racing dreams shattered, family life a mess, chaos around… it took me every bit of strength to just wake up and face each day… each. And.

Every. Day. I fought! I prayed, I paced back and forth in my apartment, read the word of God, unable to walk around my neighborhood without my left side locking up, taking care of a child that was recovering from his own trials and unable to lift and hold him without being in pain, feeling hopeless and like a trapped rat… thankfully my mom tried to take me out to the grocery store where I would shuffle around the isles frantically counting my steps as if they were something I could hold onto. Then the eating disorder soon got worse. I found refuge in escaping to a peaceful housesit for a few days, then it was back home to the chaos and struggle.

Soon, I received yet another call that I prayed to God I wouldn’t get… God-Grammy had passed! My mom let me use her car to go feed God-grammy’s kitties, and upon my arrival to her house… I fell apart! I shuffled my way up to where the kitties ate, and I wept as I fed them. I went back to the car, turned the key and started crying hysterically! I felt like such a fool for selfishly pursuing my running dreams while my family and I struggled to survive. I was an adult, living off my mom and my EBT food card (I promised myself that I would do everything I could to not ever end up on welfare) barely able to walk, battling the loss of my Godfather to cancer, my God-Grammy just passed, and my sister was back on drugs… I was a total mess! I cried out to God and told him that I didn’t want to take my life, but I needed Him to give me something to hope for! Immediately, I felt prompted to call a counselor and she almost automatically took my case!

Soon, I pressed on through doctor appointments (where my doctor pointed out my low weight), counseling appointments, and my God-grammy’s funeral. Also, after speaking to a neighbor, I began to get myself signed up to take classes at Contra Costa College. It felt like I was actually going in a good direction… hopes of making a better life for my family and dreams of receiving my degrees so I could build a ministry… life was starting to look brighter!

Well, I really need to leave off at this point! I apologize for the incredibly long post! One thing I do want to say before I go is that during my darkest times, when I was stuck in the apartment, alone, or when my nephew was taking a nap, times when I couldn’t hold him because of the pain, when paced back-and-forth in the apartment, I memorized scripture and made declarations of God‘s promises over my life! These are practices that I’ve continued to do even today! You see, I was continuing to try to train for California international Marathon this year to raise funds for an organization that helps women who have been abused and trafficked… however, I’ve hit a speedbump in the healing process which has left me at a point of feeling semi-debilitated again and without the means to get the help that I need. To have my freedom, the ability to walk and run all over the place given to me and then ripped away so quickly has been a nightmare! At the same time, I have to look back at all that God has brought me through. I know that whether or not I pull out of this, God is working, and He has great plans for me! Romans 8:28 is definitely speaking to me:“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

Romans 8:28 NKJV

http://bible.com/114/rom.8.28.nkjv So… whatever you’re going through, hold on to God‘s word, and He will help see you through! Darkness can only last for a moment, God will bring forth new light and new hope!

Running, Graduation and More

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Photo credit quotesoftheday.net

Gutsy… I guess this is a term that best describes me. Growing up, I was a kid that people made fun of for singing and acting. Those closest to me ridiculed me and made me feel ashamed of everything that I was and everything I wanted to be. While my mom and her family encouraged me… There were MANY who made me feel like crud if I tried to pursue anything other than what they wanted me to be. In other words, my stepdad and various (not all) people in his family along with various school mates and even teachers. Though my mom loved me, she submitted to my stepfather’s overbearing ways because he was her husband. This left me feeling alone and fighting a battle to find, own, and fight for who I was. You see, words have power, and I didn’t have people telling me “you can do this“ or “you’re talented and beautiful and wonderful and you can put your mind to anything and do it!” I had to learn to tell those things to myself. One thing that echoes in my mind is a period in which I was told “no” when I wanted to go auditions, but another sibling was allowed to. This was the constant case until in my late teens when I started to fight for who I was and who I wanted to be. Since then, this has been what has helped me become a fighter!

Recently I have been very quiet about what I’ve been doing. Why? Because I tend to guard my dreams with everything in me! Now, I’m going to be very open with all of you! In order to do so, I’m taking a break from telling the Journey of how I got to this day and time. I’m giving my mind, body and emotions a break from pulling up all the dirt of my past, and I’m going to involve you, those who have been taking precious time out of your days, to share in my journey! You all have no idea how much this means to me! That being said, I’m going to share with you some major victories that have happened, and where I currently stand in some of my trials! I can only hope that this post will encourage you to keep pressing on the matter what you’re facing!

Now, I started going back to see Dr. Runco for chiropractic appointments just before the fall semester ended. This man has been such an amazing saint and by the grace of God… my body was beginning to heal. No, he’s not seeing me pro bono anymore; however, he deserves to be paid much more than anyone could ever pay him. His heart for his patients, his kindness and encouragement, and the work that he does that has really helped me come back stronger than I thought I would has been such an amazing blessing to me and I’m sure so many others that he has helped! I’m not sure if he’ll ever read this, but Dr. Runco if you are reading this, thank you!

A week after going in for my first appointment, my body began to get the urge to run. I had been going on walks that were between 1 and 2 Miles with very little muscular flare up, and I decided to give it a little go! I jogged a few little spurts, then walked back to where I was parked (still had my car at this time). What a success! I was working on set of a Netflix series during this time and days of work were so much less painful and days I worked at Kmart were less painful too! Yes, there were speed bumps just like any other healing process; however, this time it didn’t seem like they were nearly as bad.

As my final semester at Contra Costa College ended, the stress levels brought my body into a state of needing to rest. At the same time filming for the Netflix production ended, and just prior to all of this… my car broke down. All the highs and lows took their toll on me, and just like every time I’ve left a semester, I ended up in severe pain, this time I had no means to get me out to see Runco unless my mom had time in her schedule. Despite that, I’ve continued to fight!

Over the past few months, I’ve worked through the chaos of work at Kmart, family, financial issues, the list goes on… to regain my strength. Walking and finally…. running… yesss I started FINALLY getting freedom! One morning, as I was praying, I felt prompted to sign up for another marathon. YES, a FULL 26.2 MARATHON, but this is not going to be one that is like any other that I’ve run before. You see, for this event, I’ve decided to set up a pledge board, and for each mile that I complete, people will donate their pledged amount to an organization called “the Glass Slipper foundation” that helps young woman break free from sex trafficking as well as verbal, physical and sexual abuse! I’ll be posting the link my Facebook profile soon. Now, since I took the plunge and signed up for the event, there have been battles and victories. Victories… well I finally built up to RUNNING 7 1/2 miles. This has not been easy by any means! I have had to work my butt off to get to chiropractic appointments and I’m currently facing an unexpected injury that could very well take me out of the event as a whole. You see, last Sunday, I experienced a weird feeling in my hamstring area. I didn’t want to ruin my nephew’s birthday party, so I kept my mouth shut and just kept going with it. Over the week the pain came and went. Then as graduation approached, The pain got even worse! As I was sitting down, waiting for them to call my name and and walk in front of my fellow classmates and MANY professors, faculty and staff that helped me on my journey, my leg began to throb! I sucked it up and decided I was not going to let it ruin my moment! Now, I’m here with uncertainty. I don’t know exactly what happened to my leg. I just know that I’m in pain off and on. I also know that while I’m sure there are many remedies that could help, I don’t have the means to get those remedies. That being said, I choose to do what I’ve continued to do and what has helped make me stronger during times like this. Focus on God, and continue to believe that His ways are higher than mine. Though it seems like yet another dream might be shattered, I know that God always has a better plan. I choose to praise Him during this time and to focus on all that he has done for me. In doing so, I’m going to share some major victories with you all!

1.) after nearly 4 years of not being able to run and race, which is part of what makes me feel like I’m truly doing exactly what I was created to do, I finally built up to 7 1/2 miles. Despite my current predicament, I refuse to give up on believing that I will run and race again!

2.) I FINALLY get to share with you all what I was working on with Netflix! Last summer, a friend/ sister in Christ named Irena had been talking with me. I told her that I wanted to get serious about acting, and shortly after that, she sent me a link to a casting call for extras to work on the set of “13 Reasons Why.” The weekend just after my birthday, we spent several hours waiting in line determined to get in even though they sent half the line home. We got in, did our paperwork, got set up on the website they told us to go to, and went home to celebrate my birthday! Within a week, I was called in and began working as an extra and even a stand in for their show! This was my first paid acting gig and one that I will never forget! The storyline of the show has been extremely controversial, but I will say this, despite the criticism this show has received, I saw so much of my childhood and teen years in this series, so much of Hannah and her story in my own life and in those around me that I refuse to let the critics bother me! The show confronted many serious issues that need to be brought to the table today and that so many people are afraid to speak out and do something about! I can only pray that young lives are changed, and people are given hope to continue to live instead of letting the tortures of life bring them down.

Coming home from working on set, I felt so alive like I have not felt in years! For those of you who have kept up with my blog, y’all know how much I enjoy the performing arts! I finally found the career path that makes me feel 100% me. After all the years of being told who I am and who I should be according to other people’s perspectives, I. Am. Finally. Being. Me! On top of it, upon the premiere of the show, I kept seeing my face and the faces of my new friends pop up everywhere through various episodes! What an honor and a privilege to see the hours and hours of being on set really pay off! To be honest though, the best part of it all was the friendships and the people that I met along the way! I’ve never been treated so respectfully on a job. Though I was only working as an extra, the cast and crew were incredibly kind and gracious! I made friends and connections that I believe will last a lifetime!

Upon the end of the filming season, I fell apart like a blubbering baby! I can only hope and dream that this was just the beginning of many amazing acting adventures for not only myself but my friends that were all involved!

3.) I FREAKING GRADUATED!!! OK, so graduation is a very big deal for anybody that does it whether it’s high school diploma, AA degree, bachelors, etc. for each person, the journey to get their degree has so many challenges! For me, this marked the first time I ever walked for any graduation ceremony. You see, I was supposed to graduate from high school in 2001, I ended up graduating summer of 2002 because I went back to school to get my diploma. I missed the graduation ceremony because I had to work at Costco, and back then, I didn’t realize how important such an event was. I didn’t even actually receive my physical proof of diploma until just before I reentered college spring of 2015.

Also, upon entering college, I had lost my ability to run and was nearly unable to walk. My first week I spent shuffling around praying to God I would make it through each class. I’ll get into more detail in my actual story when I continue sharing it, but I will say this… My first semester, I signed onto 14 units. This included a performance in a show called “All in the Timing” in which I played several different characters.

Throughout the semester, I went through several different physical therapists and doctors just trying to regain my strength. My family and I battled severe financial struggles which left us nearly unable to feed ourselves at times. Thank God for His grace! I started working out at the school gym, and had hopes of running again. I also started a new job at Kmart and life seemed to be getting better. Just before summer classes, my body failed me again. Apparently the stress of everything took it’s toll and I ended up nearly unable to walk once more. In bed for three days just before summer biology, I was determined not to give up! I spent my summer working my butt off through physical pain, doing housesits, working at Kmart 1 to 2 days a week, working past the crash of my computer and doing my best to hold on to Christ and persevere. Thankfully, I did!

Fall classes came, and my body was starting to allow me to do some physical activity again. Another plate full of classes along with the family stress and my inability to do what I love to do the most (act and run) anorexia begin to overcome me. Though I was eating, I was not eating nearly enough to sustain all the activity I was doing. October 12th, my godmother got me on the scale, something that no one else could ever get me to do, and we found that I was just over 84 pounds after eating and being soaking wet from pool running. I knew something had to change. Between classes, family stress, and everything else, I had a new battle to fight, one for my life! I continued to press on through each semester, slowly regaining my strength and my health. Along with this, came 2 episodes in the ER due to heart problems, several other episodes in the ER due to various health problems connected to stress levels and low weight, consistently being poked and prodded by doctors, physical therapist, chiropractors, the list goes on all while facing several family car losses, loss of my grandmother and a dear friend from church… I was screened for cancer and autoimmune diseases both of which I have none (thank God), and FINALLY, upon my finishing of my final semester… I was officially weight restored. In other words bodily functions were going properly (TMI I know). People kept telling me to back down, to take semester off, but I’ve refused to give up! What do I have to show for it? A testimony of God‘s goodness and grace! Despite the trials and tribulations, God help me obtain two AA degrees 1.) Liberal Arts: Math and Sciences 2.) Liberal Arts: Arts and Humanities and a certificate in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) . On top of it, I graduated as what is known as a “president’s scholar!” Me, the kid who was told I couldn’t be or do anything, that my dreams weren’t good enough, that my grades were never good enough, yes!!!! THIS WOMAN GRADUATED and achieved everything I set my mind to do and MORE!

Through it all, one thing remains…. there is only one being who can truly take credit for any of this that is Jesus Christ Himself! I ended my graduation evening by speaking to and sharing time with some of my nearest friends and family. Despite the pain I was in, they made it all better! I could not of asked for better celebration!

Now… as I get ready to end this post, I want to let you all know that no matter what dreams you’ve seen shatter before your eyes, God can turn everything around in a heartbeat! Will I have her run again? Faith tells me “yes!” In the meantime, while I’m waiting, I choose to praise God for everything He’s done of my life knowing that He will continue to do miracles again and again! As for my acting career… anything that I have in life truly belongs first to God. If it is His will, He will open the right doors in His time! I’ll just continue to walk through open doors He provides in faith knowing that He’ll lead the way! Again, as I wait, I choose to celebrate the moments that I have gotten to spend on set of various projects (2 of which I’ll reveal when given the OK). Until my next post, be encouraged, know that God is with you, He will move every mountain in your life if you just believe!

Before I go I’m going to share a recipe for savory lunchtime waffles that I came up with recently! I hope you all enjoy!

Savory Lunchtime Waffles

-1/4 cup brown rice flour (you can make it by processing brown rice in a blender)

-1/2-1/3 cup shredded red cabbage or grated cauliflower

-A pinch of baking soda

-A pinch of baking powder

-1 egg

-1 tablespoon of water or milk of choice

-sea salt and rosemary to taste

-1/2 tablespoon of all of oil or olive oil spray

Coat your waffle iron with the all of oil or the all of oil spray and let it preheat. Put all of your ingredients in A blender. Blend until creamy without any lumps. Put mix on the iron and let it cook all the way through. These taste excellent with eggs and turkey meat! You can also serve them with a side salad and canned salmon! If you try this recipe me know what you think in the comments!

Made with cauliflower

Made with red cabbage

Let The Races Begin: Part 12 of My Journey and Stovetop Baked Oats!

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Healing, it comes in many forms. For some, it’s a healing touch, comforting word, expressions of art or even a time of getting away from it all to clear one’s head. For others, such as myself, it’s not that easy. I’ve had to learn to heal as I go from one stressful and traumatizing situation to the next. I’m sure you all wonder if I’ve ever wanted my life to be any different. Of course I have! At the same time, more recently, I have learned that these trials are what have made me into who I am today. Without the stress, without the trauma, without the chaos, without everything that has happened in my life to bring me pain and to tear me down, I would not be nearly as strong as I am let alone have the knowledge and understanding of who God is in my life as I am and do today. No, I’m not saying that I’m in anyway shape or form perfect. I have SO far to go; however, I’m starting to see maturity birth in me as I have been more and more willing to except my circumstances, do what I can do to change them, press into God, find His strength through it all, and stop wishing my life was any different. My life is an example of how touch can cause pain instead of healing, words can tear one down to a point of feeling complete self worthlessness, and how the various forms of art that you use to heal can be torn down by others making you feel like you have no right to enjoy those things. The abuse that I suffered growing up physically, verbally, and the like along with being ridiculed and bullied as a child for liking to sing, act and dance… brought me pain in ways I can’t even begin to express. I guess you can kind of laugh with me and just call me the female version of the “Diary of Wimpy Kid.” What’s great about this is that it’s usually the wimpy kid to end up rising above by the power of God and changing the world for the better! I can only hope that my life has a powerful impact on at least a few people that I encounter during this brief moment in eternity. The main lesson I can learn from all of this is that when everything in life turns to pain, when every dream I have seems to just crumble and fall, there is one and only ONE source that I can rely on and that is Christ Himself.

Now, I left off in my journey last time where I had just had to leave my job due to lack of transportation and a severe injury. It was now time for God to strip away every bit of pride, selfishness, bitterness, everything that was not Him, and begin to build new strengths and characteristics I never thought I would ever have. Here goes with part 12 of my journey.

My Journey Part 12

So, there I was, jobless, fighting to regain my strength, and not sure of what the next day was going to hold. Each day, I forced myself to get up, get out of bed, pray and read the word, and yes … rebuild my ability to run again. One thing I witnessed during the season is God‘s providence! He always knows what we need when we need it! You see, just before leaving the grocery store, I had received a call from someone I did routine housesits for. She asked me to watch her home while she was out of town for a little over a week and then do another one for nearly a month right around Christmas. The second housesit for her would become the longest one I had ever done for anyone! The problem with this is, I would have to request time off right around Thanksgiving in order to do so because doing the job would require my not being away from the home for more than four hours at a time. I trusted God and excepted the job right away! After all, this woman had become very dear to me and so were her critters. I really didn’t want to see anyone else that she didn’t know he put in charge seeing is that she trusted me. Wow… this woman… a judge… trusted ME?! An ex drug addict… me? Yes! Truly God CAN redeem all things! Now, upon my leaving the job at the grocery store, it turned out I definitely had time to make sure that I was there for that entire housesit instead of having someone else take care of it. The first and shorter one was so refreshing! I spent most my time running and relaxing with the pup. Then I returned home and it was back to regular life where everything was a struggle. In the middle of it, my little sister reached out and helped mom and me. My sister… someone who had a kid of her own and barely had enough to take care of her self was helping us! I felt so awful! I felt like somehow I failed her! At the same time it was help… A few weeks passed and I was off to enter my next and longest housesit. This one took place over the Christmas season. Though I was very alone during this season, it was much needed time away from the craziness of life.

December 14, 2013 I FINALLY got to race again! I went to an event called “the Dam jingle bells” race hosted by a local family that has held a very special place in my heart! The feelings of being out on the race track again were incredible!

The energy of the people, the excitement of walking up to the start line, the quick push of my foot as I took the first step racing towards the finish, each moment of that beautiful course with views of the water as the clean crisp air filled my lungs all while adrenaline rushed through me like a wild fire… My spirit sang and soared! I was doing exactly what I was born to do! By the grace of God, I crossed the finish line and came in 1st in my age group! Fast… still… even though I hadn’t been racing for a while, God’s grace was on me!

On Christmas Day I went off with my mom, sister and nephew to enjoy one of my most treasured races! It was a gold rush five miler held in the Richmond hilltop area. When I arrived, I saw Big Al who automatically greeted me with a hug and a smile! I had called my godmother a few days prior and she said that she would be there, but come race day she was nowhere to be found! An anxiousness grew in my spirit. SOMETHING was off! I tried calling her a couple times, but there was no answer. I left a few messages, and prayed that she was OK. Meanwhile, the race had to go on! I stepped up to the start line, Big Al did countdown and… OFFFFFF I flew! Every step was such a blessing! The wind flowing through my hair, the pavement under my feet, my heart racing as I flew around each corner and up each hill all the way to the finish line to come in first place Female!!!! My first Christmas with my new nephew, and he got to see me finish what I love to do the most! “CONGRATULATIONS!!!” said Al! “You won!!!” “But my competition wasn’t here,” I said (meaning my godmother and a woman named Erica). “You STILL won!!!” He said! Then he continued to remark on how fast I came in for the 5 miles! It felt good, but at the same time everything just felt off without my godmother and godfather there.

Shortly after his congratulating me, Al took me aside, sat me down in his car and explained his concern to me about how I was doing. He was concerned that I left my job at the grocery store. He was just worried about me as a whole. I explained to him everything that had happened with my dad and the grocery store, and he encouraged me, like a dad, to find a way to pick up the pieces of my life and put it back together before it was too late! “get back into school,” He said, “ get another job, just don’t give up!” Those words, as encouraging as they were meant to be were better sweet to my ears! I didn’t want to do anything else but run! I was so tired of doing what everybody else wanted me to that I just felt like I needed a break from pushing myself. And looking back, I can see that his words were probably the wisest words I could’ve heard at that time. I’ll forever cherish that man and the impact that had on my life!

After the race, I went back to spend some time at the housesit with the dog, then it was out to my house to open presents and enjoy Christmas dinner with my family and a neighbor.

Just as I was sitting down for dinner, I received a call… it was my godmother. She explained to me that my godfather was in the hospital and that it would be best if I saw him as soon as possible. I knew that he had cancer, but I didn’t know how bad it was. For some reason, I didn’t realize how bad it was! I also knew that this call was serious because she had never asked me to see in the hospital before. Though we were close, she never called me unless it was important. That’s something I’ve always respected about her. I informed my mom about the situation, and we all dropped everything and went out to see them!

Upon arriving at the hospital, my godmother officially adopted me as her goddaughter. She told the staff that I was family and from that day on I have been called her goddaughter. For me, this is an honor I will cherish for the rest of my life. When I saw my godfather, they were preparing him to get to an actual hospital room. As I talked to him, he started talking running and told me my godmother was in her peak season for racing! Hahaha it was adorable how even in one of his most painful moments, all he could think about was my godmother and how much he admired her ability to run! I held his hand and talked to him a bit, and the walked out into the waiting room to spend some time with my God Grammy while my godmother and godfather got prepared to get him into a room. Once they had him settled in, my family and I went up to see him. We tried to talk as best as possible, but as it got late, we had to leave. Wow… the man who introduced me to my best friend and godmother, the man who watched over me at races, who would sacrifice his personal food preferences so that I could enjoy allergen free meals with them, who told wonderful stories of planes and cars and of his childhood, the man who cheered me on and coached me on my stride during races… the man who was like a father to me…. was dying! I didn’t know how to fully process it, so I stuffed my feelings in the back of my mind until I later found a moment alone to cry. I then went and said good night to my godmother and God Grammy, and I headed back to the house to get some rest.

The next few days and began to wind down and get ready to leave that housesit. I also beganto pray to the Lord because I didn’t know what I was going to do next about finances, and I really didn’t want to go home yet. Just two days before that job ended, I received a knock at the door. It was my dear friend and old landlord that had me caring for her husband before he passed! Apparently, her and her family were going on vacation and needed me to watch their property while they were away. The job would start immediately after I left the house sit that I was already doing! God heard my prayer! So… I gladly excepted knowing that God truly had my future in His hands!

Now, I’m going to leave off here for this week! BEFORE I go though, I’m going to give a recipe for simple stove top baked oats that I recently came up with! This is super simple and incredibly tasty. Also, since mother’s Day is tomorrow, it might be something you could make for mom for breakfast!

Stovetop baked oats

Oats

-1/2 plus 1 tsp rolled oats

-1 pinch baking soda

-1 pinch baking powder

-1/2 plus 1 tbsp unsweetened vanilla almond milk OR water

-1/4 tbsp olive oil

Topping

-1/2 individual container Oikos triple zero vanilla yogurt

-1/2 Apple

-1/2 cup blueberries

Directions

Put oats, water/milk, baking soda, and baking powder into a blender and blend until smooth. Put Oil into a mini egg frying pan that has a lid I’ll put the link for the one that I have right here. Cook with lid on, on medium temp until baked all the way through. Flip the pan over to release oats onto a plate, top with the yogurt and fruit and serve!

In closing, I just want to say that I hope you all have a wonderful Mother’s Day! Here’s to my mom who has been one of the greatest blessings in my life and who stood by me when most people wouldn’t dare be there for me! She’s my best friend, my rock, my everything!!!

The Moment I grew an Emotional Back Bone: Part 10 of My Journey

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Hey all, it’s been a crazy couple of weeks here! Just being real, I’ve been in state of morning for about a week now. Last week on my way out for the day, I received a phone call informing me that someone that was an incredible mentor of mine had passed away about a month ago. Out of respect for his wishes, not many people were informed right away. Also, out of respect for his wishes and his family‘s wishes, I’m choosing to refrain from saying who this is. I will say though that he had a profoundly positive impact on my life. There are many positive avenues I never would have taken had it not been for this man. He stood by me and told me to grab my boot straps and keep pressing on during some of the most devastating seasons in my life. I’ve been so shaken from the news combined with the craziness of my current circumstances that I literally couldn’t think straight for a few days. My eating patterns were out of control, and PTSD hit hard. I’ve done everything I can to continue to nourish myself, so those of you worried that I’m getting back into ED (eating disorder/ anorexia) patterns, know that it’s really not the case. I’ve just become very scattered and messy again. I can’t stand being messy and feeling dirty. Just feels like I’ve been dragged through the mud and back. Again, I’m sparing you all the details right now and continuing to pray and seek God for His wisdom and direction in how to make it through this.

when I left off in my journey last week, I was getting ready to run the San Francisco Marathon. I was so excited that my dad had promised to be there at the finish line! In my minds eye, I saw us having a victory meal with my Godmother. At the same time, I’d gotten injured again, this time at the coffee house. My dad was repeatedly calling me with horrible phone calls about the chaos going on in his home and repeatedly dumping a bunch of his garbage and drama on me like I was his counselor. Yes, as his daughter, I tried to be there and listen as best as I could. The problem is, he never wanted to hear about my life. All he wanted to talk about was himself and all the things he used to have and how horrible his life was at that time. I would listen for hours to him talking bitterly about my family. Every now and then I got the opportunity to share just a little bit about myself, then the conversation got redirected back to him. Now… on to part 10 of my journey.

Part 10 of my Journey

Marathon day! There’s so much energy and excitement around the approach of such an amazing event!

(Me with my beloved god-family)

This event was bittersweet for me. It was sweet because I got to run it with my godmother. Bitter because as the clock ticked down and marathon day came… dad was a no-show. From that point on after that he would Call me when he was stressed out, or come out to see me when he needed to get away and needed me to be there for him. All that kept going through my mind was “what about you being there for me?”… I Started seeing Dr. Runco again, and begged God daily for my health to come back. Meanwhile, still stuffing my head full of new age. I do the meditated on myself and all my dreams like a total narcissist!

My family management Business picked up so much in fact that I was working off and on from 4 AM until almost 10pm on some days. Still training for random races, and constantly on the go.

(Me next to the Honda Fit after a race victory)

I started going back to the doctor in El Cerrito because I felt guilty that Dr. Runco was helping me pro bono at the time (this is no longer the case which makes me feel a lot better). I spent more money on doctor visits and grabbing food to go being that I lived nowhere near where I worked, so the financial struggles raged. And, yet another wave… I received news that my sister was going to have a baby! I completely freaked out! I knew something was up, my mom had been awkwardly silent for over a week. If anyone knows my mom, they know that when she’s holding something in, she’s like a little volcano just waiting to irrupt!

As Thanksgiving drew near, my heart was so cold toward my sister. My mom wanted to spend turkey day with her, however, this meant not getting to have thanksgiving with a very good friend of mine. It’s amazing how God works though! I surrendered my plans, ran the turkey trot that Thanksgiving in Pinole and went back home to help mom prep dinner to bring to Refugio Park being that we still were not to have my sister at our house. As a matter of fact, she didn’t even know where we lived. This began a process of miraculous heart change in me.

As we sat there and ate, I looked across the table, and all I could think is “my baby sister is going to have a baby… Lord, we need a miracle!” After dinner we walked around the park, and for the first time in a long time I enjoyed being in my sister’s company. God was totally melting my heart. As Christmas drew near, I continued to push myself to train, still battled with injury, continued to overwork myself between family management, housesitting and pet sits… All while diving deeper into New Age, meditation, and focusing on being successful. I was a “spiritual” Christian. Sure… I really needed to check myself!

Christmas approached, the decision was made to invite my dad to Christmas dinner. This was to be set up just like Thanksgiving day, being that my sister still was not allowed to know where we lived and my mom requested that my dad never know where we live. Apparently, we didn’t think to check the weather report. It was pouring outside! As he sat in the park in our cars and waited for my dad to show up, I received a call from him asking where we were. Apparently he was right up the street from my house And needed to know exactly which one it was. Ummm what? I had told him we were having dinner in the park. Also, I NEVER told him where we lived. The closest place he’d ever been was the dead fish. I shrugged it off and gave him directions to the park. He pulled up next to me and was seriously angry… again! Completely outraged he drove off saying he needed to go to the bathroom as we sat in the rain and waited.

Yet, another long story cut short he agreed to come back we ate dinner then, agreed to go to a Denny’s so we could dry off and warm-up. We all sat around the table, And I was so excited to finally just have some peace and family time… However, as we were talking he showed me on his iPhone that he had known what I was on numerous occasions. He proceeded to tell me that he’d known where was when I was living in San Diego Long before we’ve ever reunited. My gut sank. This only confirmed what he told me on my birthday.

Late that night we all parted ways. Life went on.. And the new year came. While on a casual fun jog with my friend Katrina, we exchanged belated Christmas gifts. She gave me the book “Quantum Faith” and a book that set my course back on Christ’s track called “shadow boxing.” The Lord quickly showed me that the meditation I was doing in the morning was not from Him. He continued to reveal to me that I was on a spiritual down spiral, and because of that my life was I’m down spiral. I started feeling more and more tension in the air. I received calls on numerous occasions from my dad who was incredibly stressed out from work (helping my Aunt V deliver Mercedes Benz to various customers) and my aunt not paying him. That along with all the things that he was dealing with that home. Apparently, there was a lot of family drama at my grandmother’s house… But what was I supposed to do? I tried to be compassionate and listen, however how could I when he Didn’t even take a second thought to what I might be going through!!! It was always all about him and what he needed and how hard his life was! Then, he kept complaining that he couldn’t pay my cell phone bill and he couldn’t cover car payment. It was a constant Back-and-forth with the car. A constant tug of war. I felt bad for taking the car in the first place especially after finding that he couldn’t afford it. Then, chaos hit in my family management business, and after seeking out spiritual counsel from a leader at my church I was advised to step back from it. Out of faith, I stepped back and not even two weeks, later I received a phone call from my dad. He needed to “borrow” the car so that he could sleep in it because things at home had gotten really bad. Apparently my aunt V had serious drug issues that wreaked havoc on the house hold. I was still working and needed the car to drive from family to family at least until the end of that month. So, I asked him if he could kindly wait at least another week or two to let me finish work. This made him mad, and he insisted that I leave the car at an agreed location with the keys under the floor mat.

After I agreed, he kept changing days for me to leave the car, and I asked him to wait…. Finally, I was finished with work anyway…. I was also fed up with back-and-forth calls about the car. I took the car to the dealership and tried to return it to them. They wouldn’t take the car because I wasn’t the one who bought it. I called him and he asked to talk to them. I put them on speakerphone, and he thought I just handed the phone to the guy. He then told them I was his daughter and I took/ stole his car and wouldn’t give it back! They wouldn’t take it, Drama,drama,drama!!!

At this point I just wanted to be done with it! As a result of the car drama, I ended up calling the police because he was calling and harassing me. During two of the phone calls he had the nerve to say we couldn’t have a relationship because people were accusing him of what he had done to me as a child…. I stopped him right there! I told him he was not going to make me feel bad for what he did to me! it was his choice to hurt me and he was not going to make me feel like it was my fault! I remember being outraged and screaming at him …telling him he had the opportunity have a second chance. I went on to say that I forgave (and still forgive) him however he had to make the choice to forgive himself, and he wasn’t allowed to manipulate me into pretending like it didn’t happen so he could have peace at home. This whole situation sent me into an emotional whirlwind! Apparently he was on speaker phone and my grandma heard all of this! What a mess! I felt as if my entire childhood had happened all over again!!! Here I was… Mentally and emotionally raped…. repeatedly… it was all my fault… my dad was going to make sure my family hated me because of what HE had done! (Deep breath… just. Stop. Just. Breathe)

I made sure I gave him the car just as he requested by leaving it across the street from The Dead Fish restaurant with the keys under the floor-mat. Then, he sent me an email saying how sorry he was and he wanted to give me my car back. I followed the advice given to me by a brother in the Lord who is a law enforcement officer… It was time to stop the harassment, manipulation, stocking, and mental abuse! It was time for me to grow a backbone. It was time to stand up for myself once and for all! I started the process of getting a restraining order and once in place, I was no longer able to call my grandmother being that he lived there. I wept for days. There were even times when I was so mentally distraught that I bashed my own head into the wall repeatedly, crying hysterically. Out of work… Living in Crocket with no vehicle, my family…. my grandma… taken from me. I’d like to say that I got right back up, dusted the dirt off my shoes and acted like I could do anything and just moved forward with courage and the power of God… After all, at this point I was in the word a lot more. I had returned fully to the Lord, and turned my ways from all the New Age and all the meditation…. But I was broken, wounded, devastated! I remember bashing my head against the wall and weeping asking God “WHYYYYY?” however, God showed me that for the first time in my life I had finally stood up to the first person to ever victimized me. I went right into the enemy’s camp and declared “I’m NEVER going to take this from ANYONE again!” Instead of the court system not hearing my testimony, this time I got to stand up and say what had been done. No longer was I going and heard!

Funny, the lyrics to the song “I’m coming home” (my Greyhound benchmark song) go through my mind this time. All my life I wanted to know my dad. As I grew older I kept wanting to heal the wounds….so, like the song says”be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all, and then some you don’t want.” Yeppp! I got just that!

While still in the paperwork/ court process of getting the restraining order, a ray of hope shown… My sister made the decision to get into a program! This was a long process, yet it finally happened! I stood by my word to be there by her side every step of the way. Meanwhile, I was invited by a friend to start selling some healthcare products. New business along with the rebuilding of family. Hmmmm finally some real hope!

My sister and I began to build a relationship… A real relationship… “Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of you heart.” Psalm 37:4 . Then, a phone call came late one night. It was my sister, and she was in labor!! My old attitude flared up like i had a right to tell God that it was too late at night to be going to the hospital! Then, I heart checked. This was the moment I’d waited for since my sister was little… the momen I could be there when she needed me the most! I wasn’t going to miss this! Mom and I raced to the hospital in Martinez where my sister was in labor. I tried to catch some z’s in the chair next to her which ended up being only slightly successful. Then, drama… the little guy’s heart beat was struggling, so they had to do a cesarian. May 10, 2013 (just two days before Mother’s Day) My beautiful nephew and light of my life was born!

I’ve never seen my mom so tired yet smiling so big! All of the trials, chasing my sister, trying to rescue her, the prayers, the tears came to this one brilliant moment, in one beautiful baby boy! That  same day, I started the process of getting my nutritional care business started. There’s always blessings in the storm! That baby boy, my little miracle nephew is a God send to our family!

My heart continues to melt like butter for my sister and that precious baby… Boo Bear and Little Dude… I never dreamed this could be possible. Yet, with Christ… You know it goes!… Thus, a new chapter full of hope began to unfold! It seemed as though I was going to have it all, as you all well know, that isn’t always the case.

Right here is another good stopping point. Thankfully, one of the heaviest parts of my journey has now been exposed. Again, I don’t write this for pity. If anything, I want you to see God‘s strength in me! My life is no worse or better than anyone else’s. One thing I will say though is that I don’t think I could’ve made it one single day without the presence of God in my life! For that, I’m eternally grateful! Until next time, God bless, thank you for joining me in this journey, take care, and please do let me know if there’s anyway I can pray for any of you!

The Face Belonging to the Voice: Part 9 of my Journey

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Well, here I am after a few weeks of stepping back from the blog. As you all can see, diving into my journey has been a bit heavy for me. Meanwhile, things at home have been challenging to say the least. Honestly, it’s been as though hurricane has hit my life and it’s taking every bit of me to stand my ground. As I’ve stated in my previous posts, I’m really trying to keep quiet about what I’m dealing with. I know that God is a powerful God and that he will see me through this time. I just hope that somehow, someway, my Journey will encourage those of you who actually read it find strength on your own path. Also, I hope that it helps you see that I was there and every moment at all times, He is always there! Without further ado…

Part 9 of my Journey

Stable home. Finally! Mom and I had a stable home! On top of it, I was finally in contact my dad and believed that I was on the road to a healed relationship with him. It was, April 2012, mom and I had just moved out to Crockett, other than issues that kept rising with my sister… life just seemed like it was finally coming together!

Now, my dad and I were continuing to talk. I did take some caution in completely connecting with him because of some prior discussions my grandmother and I had had. She warned me that he suffered from extreme schizophrenia and temperament issues. She also solidified what I had learned growing up from my mom and some of my own experiences that he was a compulsive liar. So, when I actually received the iphone, I started to begin to believe that he wouldn’t want to lie to me. I did try to keep myself guarded, however at the same time the little girl me so desperately just wanted daddy.

In the conversations that we had, he would tell me about how he wanted to move to the mainland again and was tired of how expensive everything was on the islands. He said he had an extremely successful T-shirt selling business and he wanted to sell it because he really felt it was time to come out to California, to his family, and restore the lost years. Something in my spirit knew that the whole situation was just a little off. I wanted to believe him, but the same time everything I’d known about him told me not to. As life went on, I continued to work at the coffee house, did house sits, started working for my dear friend that I met while working a 24 hour fitness as his 2nd admin assistant/ house manager, and trained for the San Francisco Marathon.

Soon, my dad finally said that he was actually going to move! It was SO surreal to me. I still didn’t believe any of this was happening. Then, some time in May, in the middle of the night, I received a phone call from him saying that he was at the Oakland airport and that nobody was there to pick him up. I offered to get him even though I had to work early the next day… “n no b b butter cup.” He stuttered. “J just go back to b bed.” He sounded really stressed out, and I asked if he was sure but he insisted that I go back to bed. So, I did just that.

The next day at work I was so excited! I was on a natural high! My dad was finally in California!!! I went all day and didn’t receive a call. Another day went by and still no call. Then another… I tried calling, but no answer. I kept thinking he just wanted to spend time with his family… then my got started to hurt and I felt abandoned. Something was just off.

About a week after his arrival to the states, I was doing a housesit, and it was my birthday (June 2). I received a phone call from my aunt V and she was yelling at me asking what I did to him. She literally went off on me as if I did something wrong. I started crying hysterically and told her I didn’t do anything. I told her what happened and that I offered to go get him when he had arrived, but I hadn’t heard from him since. She calmed down and we ended the phone call.

Right away, I begin trying to call my dad. I emailed him and all I go back was an email saying that he was leaving and there was nothing I could do about it. Finally, when I did get him on the phone, he started saying that my grandma and the rest of the family were asking him questions about what he did to me as a baby. He also claimed that I should’ve gotten him from the airport. “How dare he make this all my fault,” I thought. I reminded him that he told me to just go back to bed. He insisted that as a family member I should have gotten up no matter what he said to go get him. I told him I lived over 45 minutes away from the airport, and he told me that I was lying because he could track my cell phone…. , first off, Crockett is over 45 minutes away from Oakland. Second off, this put a stop to everything. He began to tell me that he’d known where I was my whole life, and that he’d been using my cell phone that he gave me to track where I was. I. Felt. Violated. Devastated. Stalked. Terrified…. He then told me that he wanted his phone and I had to send it back. Thankfully in the middle of the call, my dear friend that I was working for called. He asked why I sounded upset and I explained to him what was happening. He told me to immediately hang up the phone and to refuse to give the phone back because I had my personal information on it. Walked me through the process of turning my GPS off so that he could no longer track me. Then, I switched over, told my dad that I was not giving it back, he was not going to Yell at me and make me feel like his molesting me or him getting stuck at the airport was my fault on my birthday, and that I was not going to be held responsible for him going back to Hawaii. My friend then came over to talk to me. Being someone who himself dealt with some parental issues, he give me some sound advice and I decided to keep the iPhone off and refused to answer calls from my dad.

Just as I was leaving the house sit I had yet another shift at my coffee house job. Not only was I working for my friend, but I was switching coffee house locations in order to keep myself protected from my dad. Since I was working for my friend as his family manager and second personal assistant, he decided to include a cell phone in my pay. Just as I was at the Verizon wireless office to have it set up, I Received a call from my dad saying that he had shown up at the coffee house that I had recently transferred from. They were instructed to tell him that they had no idea who I was. This infuriated him! Long story short my friend and I ended up at the coffee house, told him to either take the iPhone back or at least sign it over so we could put it on a different plan, but he refused. I have to say, seeing him for the first time in over 20 years… the man who stole my virtue before I knew I had it… It was terrifying! On top of already being traumatized, I had to stand my ground as he made complete scene outside of the coffee house. My friend and I were fed up and we went off to get a different cell phone. I gave the iPhone to my friend to hold and cut connections with my dad.

Within a few weeks, I had received an email from my dad apologizing for everything. He wanted to meet up, and have a real birthday dinner and make up for everything. So, I took into consideration that he was in a lot of stress from the move, and I agreed. The meal went wonderfully and I got to learn a lot about him and what he been doing over the years. The things he said I had to be careful to sift between fict and fact… Regardless, I truly felt like this was a positive step forward!

(The first gift I received from my dad person. This was from the Mercedes-Benz dealership that my grandfather worked for before he passed away)

I agreed to turn on my iPhone and keep it on just so he could call me. Meanwhile, he was not allowed to have my work number, Let alone know it existed. I kept the iPhone GPS off, and learned something. The only way I could use my map my run device on my phone is if the GPS was on… So, on the days that I needed to do a long run and need my GPS I would turn it on. This led to another discovery… He would call just after my runs, or on the times that I’d forgotten to turn my GPS off, so, I decided to play a little game. If I didn’t hear from my dad for a few weeks, I turned the GPS on. When he’d call he dumped a boatload of stress and emotional garbage on me like a garbage dump! I was already dealing with things at home, working both jobs, worries if my sister, training, ect… I tried my best to listen, that was all I could do. I felt overwhelmed and hopeless .

Soon, my dad began to promise a car. I already had one so, I was excited but at the same time… I wasn’t too worried about it.

The first week of July, I received an email … and then another one … and another one… each one displaying pictures of a brand new Honda fit… Then, an email with a question saying “which one do you like?” I freaked out! Within a matter of hours he finished the paperwork and send me an email giving me a visual tour of my new car. Almost a week later, I was on my way with him to Folsom lake to pick it up. What I did with my other car, is between me and Jesus. However, I had no idea what I was getting myself into in accepting this vehicle from him. I believe that part of him really did want to be a good father. I believe that he really wanted to make things work after all these years. However I do know that another part of him was being very manipulative in his actions.

(Me and my dad’s scarlet macaw. I was smiling here, but I was so terrified at the same time.)

Just as my family management business was picking up. I got hurt at the coffee house, and made the decision to leave. Hurt again, and training for yet another marathon. Ughhhh! Meanwhile, dealing with stressed out phone calls from my dad…. I switched from seeing Dr. Runco to seeing a different chiropractor in El Cerrito, started not only working in choir but also on the worship team at church, The clock ticked down to marathon day… so much craziness and chaos! I enjoyed being in choir and on the worship team, but the one thing I was REALLY looking forward to seeing my dad at Finishline on marathon day. To me, it was like that little kid inside that always want to daddy’s approval was finally going to get what she wanted!

So I’ll leave off here for now. I apologize if this all seems a bit heavy to you all, however this is the reality I’ve lived. If anything, I hope that my journey inspires you all to move forward nomatter what you’re dealing with!

A voice from 20 years past… part 8 of my journey

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Here I go procrastinating again! Sorry for being so MIA y’all! I hope all of you have been doing well! As I promised, I’m going to continue with my story. I hope that, again, through the sharing of my trials someone will be encouraged to press on through their own!

In my last post, I left off with the phone call to my dad who I hadn’t spoken to in over 20 years. This is the same man who molested me as a baby, and pretty much robbed me of my chances at purity and security before I even knew what either of those things were. No, he didn’t take my virginity (thank God), however; he did do plenty of other sick and twisted acts that psychologically wounded me in ways I can’t even begin to properly explain. No, no one properly warned me to stay away from him. There were warning tones, little hints, but no one blatantly said , “do not come in contact with him because he is still a psychological wreck.” For me, the little girl inside desired to have that dad that I never knew in my life.

(Photo credit theparentcue.org )

I remember growing up and seeing other little girls with their dads who took them out and did things out of love and not out of some sick twisted desire. Most of my life, I secretly envied those girls who’s dads cared for them, who hung around and listened to them, cheered them on at performances and other events, went and got them cars and took them out on special daddy daughter dates. I will tell you one thing, be careful what you wish for, and don’t ever wish that you had something that someone else has, because jealousy is definitely one of major roots of evil! Now that this is said and done, I’ll continue where I left off!

Part 8 of my journey

Running and the performing arts… these have been major outlets in my life! There’s just something about being on stage and taking yourself into a period of time and into someone else’s world, away from the troubles of your own to help the audience come into that world and escape the troubles of theirs… it’s such an incredible gift for everyone involved! As for running…. ughhh the feel of wind going through my hair and in and out of my lungs as my body rhythmically moves over the ground’s surface, feet gliding, heart pumping, sweat dripping, all the worries and stress from everything I’ve carried just melting away as I talk to God and clear my mind. So many times I left some of my greatest fears and challenges out on the roads, hills, and trails of various cities throughout the Bay Area. Both aspects of my life have become such a relief during some of the most seriously trying times that I’ve experienced. Had I not had God, these two aspects, and my mother during the season, I really don’t know how I would’ve coped.

While on the phone with my dad, he made the promise to stay in contact with me so that we could build the relationship that the little

girl in me so desperately desired.

(The only photo I have of my dad and me when I was about 2 or 3 years old)

In that he promised me a new iPhone and said he would cover the bill so that I could afford to be able to talk to him more often. I was SO excited! Here I was, working my butt off at a coffee shop, doing random house sits for people, having constant shifts in my living space, and still trying to take care of the kitty house all while dealing with car issues and being drained of my finances to find I was barely able to buy food, let alone pay my own cell phone bill. Here was my dad, this man that I so desperately wanted to get to know and forgive for what he had done to me and he was offering me the relationship that I wanted along with something that so many people were trying to obtain at the same time, a new iPhone 4s! I felt like I had suddenly been promoted from scroungy servant girl (Believe me I looked like a hot mess half the time unless I was working or performing) to a new level of princess! It felt like life was finally smiling on me!

During the call, I found out so many things about him and where he had been over the years. He informed me that he had been ordained as a priest for the church of Whales (mind you this man is a compulsive liar, so I still don’t believe this) and owned a T-shirt company that he was getting ready to sell, so that he could move to the mainland (from Hawaii). Before we got off the phone, he told me that he was going to call Verizon and set up a way for me to obtain a phone and that he would call me a soon as it was ready! Wow! What is this really happening? I couldn’t believe a single word that I was hearing! My dad… He wanted a relationship with me, to get to know me, and provide for me!

After the phone call, I went kept working at the coffee shop, and continued working on a production at CCC that I had been invited to come back and perform in as one of my previous characters, Cami in “Rockin at Richmond High.”

Throughout this time, I was getting ready to run yet another event, the San Francisco Marathon. This event held a special place my heart, since it was going to be the first full marathon that I would get the honor of running with my mentor and godmother! The show went on during the beginning phases of my training, So I made sure to take it easy so that I could focus on the show and then have the energy to dive full throttle into preparing for the marathon. Meanwhile, things at home began to fall apart.

The lady that I was taking care of the kitties for had decided that it was time for me to go. While there were issues on both sides that I prefer not to get into at this time, I will definitely say that there were things that I did that weren’t right and left her upset (for some reasons that she definitely had a right to be upset about and I would honestly try to fix if I could) there are also things that she did to me that left me emotionally scarred yet again. Put it this way, I had a tendency to act as though people owed me something because I had been abandoned and abused. Though my actions weren’t necessarily intentional, I had a tendency to take advantage of situations when people would give me things. I didn’t know when to stop letting people give things to me, and often found ways to manipulate in order to survive. This poor woman suffered the consequences of my internal baggage. At the same time living there, was a good taste of what goes around comes around. I used to verbally bash people behind their backs and even to their faces. I was not a nice person by any means! I went around praising God, but was so mean and hateful towards myself and the world around me. While living there, I received a good taste of my own medicine both to my face and behind my back which scarred my reputation with a lot of people, and left me hating myself even more. The blessing from all this? Well, it was through this season that I learned to treat people with kindness. If I had not lived there and dealt with that, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I’ve now learned to use my words to uplift and to heal instead of tear down and injure. While I’m still a work in progress, I have come journeys away from where I used to be!

A few days after my performance in “Rockin’ at Richmond High,” I received yet another call from my dad. He told me to go to the Verizon wireless in El Cerrito where I would be able to obtain my brand new phone! I remember walking in and being so awe struck and excited! I told the girl who was getting my phone about the story, and she almost started crying! The whole experience was like something out of a movie! As soon as I walked out of the store, I called my dad, and we were officially connected! I no longer had to deal with a cell phone that kept breaking and could call people without worrying about being able to afford my bill!

Then, it was time to head back home to face a new moving situation.

I packed my things and soon after moved in with my mom in Berkeley where she was informed she too had to find a new place to live because they were going to be renovating her apartment complex. With nowhere to go, we prayed and searched, and finally I received an email from brother Bob containing some craigslist links to apartment rentals in Crockett. Thankfully, my mom went out to see one, I came to see it soon after, and we both fell in love with what would soon be our new home! We packed our things, and moved to Crockett, Ca and to the place that bears so many horrific memories for me. At the same time, it’s the place that I found the greatest level of healing.

For now, I feel that this is a good place to stop. As you can see, my life has been a bit of a whirlwind. Great news is, I’ve had Jesus all along! It’s through my trials that I have learned some of the most valuable lessons. I’ve learned to love myself and to treat others with kindness at all times, and best of all… I’ve learned to rely on God and not my own devices in order to survive which is exactly why I’m leaving my current situation in silence. It’s in this time of silence that I know I’ll hear gods voice clearly and I’ll be able to report to you all the wonderful victory that He has prepared out for me!Until next time… God bless and stay strong!