When Nothing Makes Sense, Eat Chocolate and Keep Going

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I remember the first time I heard of Murphy’s Law. I was working in San Diego at linens n’ things in the Carmel Mountain shopping center. Things just kept going wrong for this lady who came through my line and she said, “you know that’s just like Murphy’s Law for me anything that can go wrong will.” At the time I didn’t really think anything of it. As time went on, however, I began to see that it times in life I can be quite true. One thing goes wrong and it starts a domino effect of continuous drama and trauma. More recently I have tried to remain as positive as possible. The thing is, this week everything finally just took it’s toll. Situations with my trouble love one brought up all the motions and dramatic memories of witnessing her being abused. The guilt that festered deep inside me for not stepping in… only to find when I spoke to my counselor recently about it she assured me it really that was nothing I could do without having harm inflicted on me, and that I really needed to forgive myself. With more recent events that have happened with her, finding out that she’s turned to harsher drugs and is now homeless… my heart aches! Knowing that everything in me wants to help her, however when I’ve done that in the past it’s caused me to fall into a dangerously codependent relationship with her that’s completely unhealthy. That being said I’ve had to make very clear lines to only be willing to be there and help her should she truly be willing to get up and change. Now, I find that the way to show that I love her to continue to go to school so that I can eventually help people like her who really want to get their lives right and to pour as much love as I can into her little one that my mom has adopted. The process has been trying, to say the least. I found myself trying everything I can to self heal and get rid of this pain. From seeing a chiropractor, physical therapist, and even doing the exercises in the book that was recommended to me called “Pain Free” only to find myself in utter pain.  With the treatment that I need so close but just out of reach, I felt nearly hopeless at times. Knowing that there is a remedy, however my insurance doesn’t cover it has just been a portion of the battle. Here it is just the beginning of the semester, I’m not even halfway through I’m so close to just giving up. Praying every step of the way. I know God is working but it’s so hard to see through the storm.  Right here right now I’m choosing  to praise! On an up side… I’be been gaining weight, and still maintaining good grades in school. I was recently promoted at work, was given an opportunity to share my story on my dear friend’s blog, and have opened my new business called Messenger Gear in which I sell clothes and jewelry to help raise funds and awareness to stop human trafficking. All being said and done, amidst my suffering I’m still seeing God work in mighty ways. I may be in pain now, but this can’t last forever. I’ll leave you today with a link to miss Emily Swanson’s blog and podcast series, some reviews of my recent food adventures, and a peek at the clothing line!

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One of my favorite new food addictions has been dark chocolate! Theo makes thee best sea salt almond dark chocolate bars PLUS Trader Joe’s has hit my sweet tooth just right with their cacao nibs!!!

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Aloha bars? … yesss please!

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Froyo with almond slivers and smothered in Hershey sugar free chocolate… yeaaaas!!!!

Now, onto the link to miss Emily’s blog post! Be sure to check it out and subscribe to her new podcast series!

http://beautyinchristthebook.com/darkness-light-healing-podcast-2/

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Finally… Messenger Gear! You can catch this new line on instagram as @messenger_gear the first round of shirts and jewelry will be giving a portion of the proceeds to help an organization called “The Glass Slipper” in which rescues women from sex trafficking! Be sure to also like my page on facebook!

 

Thank y’all for dropping in and sharing my journey with me… until next time… keep pressing on!

Smoothie Time in the Rabbit Hole

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One of my favorite stories growing up is “Alice in Wonderland.” No, I’m not talking about the move… I’m talking about the book. The movie is adorable, but book… just really captures Alice’s adventures in such an incredibly descriptive way that the  the reader has so need for physical images, for the image comes clear inside of the mind without need of any visual assistance. This is definitely one of the few books I wouldn’t mind reading over and over again!

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(photo credit http://entertainmentdesigner.com/)

Right now, I feel like I’m Alice… falling down the rabbit hole! Why? Well, this white rabbit that I call my vision for career and ministry as dashed off before me and headed down his crazy rabbit hole, and of course like any dreamer who has a dream does… I went a chasin! Then…. chaos hit. Every time I’ve turned around there has been some sort of resistance! Any time I’ve made any progress in an area of life… things begin to happen to smack me down. My running and racing dreams… shattered before my eyes just as my PRs were improving, my acting dreams… well… I’ve just never really had the boldness to step forward to try to see if they could come true. This dream of building a non profit (for which I go to school for)…. welll… This semester, it’s taking every bit of energy I have, mentally, emotionally, and physically to press on. The pains in my body, trying to get proper treatment only to be put through a blitzkrieg of chaos and end up in pain again…. chaos at school, home, ect… I’m praying that somehow… God will help me through this mess!

I honestly have kept the severity of my health situation very quiet because… well, why tell my readers who really can’t help? Then, I realized that opening up could probably help ya’ll choose to press on through things you might be battling… so here goes!

For quite a while now, I’ve been battling issues that have made it hard to walk at times. I get up in the morning and HAVE to put on shoes or slippers before my feel hit the ground or else my hamstrings tighten up making it painful for me to walk. There are several imbalances that have lead to me struggling at times to sit, stand, walk, lay down, and even shower without pain and/ or discomfort. While I’ve sought out treatment, even with the funds raised through the before mentioned gofundme that a dear friend of mine set up…  I’ve only been able to start treatments, but not really finish or get to the core of the situation. I have to take extra care in bending down to get things, can’t pick my nephew up, can’t push a grocery cart, have not been able to workout to rebuild strength and balance and have to constantly be aware of how I stand and walk while doing anything. To top it off… I battle PTSD from the abuse and various forms of abused I’ve dealt with, losses I’ve faces, constant high pressure situations I’ve dealt with, health issues (including the injuries that I battle) that have at times… made it hard for me to just pick up and keep moving. Finally, I’m in the process of having the doctors run a series of tests to find out if I’m dealing with an autoimmune disorder or possibly cancer… all this at just the beginning of a new semester! So… down this rabbit hole I continue to fall! While I DID drop my Drama class in order to keep my focus on classes that are degree applicable…. Getting my head in the game has really been challenging for me.

Don’t get me wrong…. I’m not saying this to complain… I’m simply saying… I’m choosing to press on, despite how my body feels, despite the family drama that I face, and despite the fact that my mom and I are barely hanging on financially. Trusting that at the end of this seemingly endless rabbit whole.. past all the crazy encounters with the distracting characters that try to throw me off course… past the war with the queen of hearts… there’s a victory in the name of Jesus. Somehow, some way, I’ll make it through this. Seriously… handing everything to Christ at this moment in time and knowing that even if He calls me to walk away from classes… He’ll have another door opened for me. So, as the clock ticks and the last day to withdraw without receiving a “w” approaches… I pray, continue to study, and wait on the Lord!

As I wait, I choose to enjoy the great things that that Lord has provided like… movies with mom and Tye Tye (my little nephew and apple of my eye) with Frozen yogurt and popped corn

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smoothie bowls

and…. good ol Georgia grinders almond butter!

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PLUS… a huge victory… from 86lbs to just breaking 100lbs… hey… God is good! Please, spare me the “you can have some of mine” comments… Nothing personal, but that’s a trigger! All being said… I hope whatever giants you face, you find the strength and courage to face them head on! Until next time…

“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.” ~Ephesians 6:10~

Put on your armor and know that the battle belongs to the Lord!

and of course… here’s a recipe to get your mornings going!

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Fig Berry madness!

Ingredients

~1 cup frozen blueberries

~1/2 cup frozen blackberries

~ 1 scoop of superbeets powder

~1/2 – 2/3 cup water or almond milk

~ stevia (or sweetener of choice) to taste

~ 2 fresh figs cut into 4ths

directions

Place all ingredients into a blender, leaving the figs to the side. blend until smooth and top with the chopped figs. You can add protein powder if you like or eat some eggs or cottage cheese on the side… get creative!

 

Ya’ll get out there! Live, love, enjoy your life!