Numb… I guess that’s the best way to put it. After all that’s happened the battles I’ve faced…. I found myself feeling battle worn and literally numb. This week has been a week of challenges that have been tough ones to face, however, I found hope in the midst of my raging seas. The week started with xrays and me watching little guy again being that my mom could not afford child care. My attitude, this time, was much different. Instead of waiting for my mom to have to ask me to care for him, I offered. I couldn’t stand watching my mom struggle financially, carrying the weight of my unemployment and having to take me to various appointments all while not having enough income to cover her own need alongs with food for the household. I was out of foodstamps and the least I could do was take some of the financial pressure off by handling childcare regardless of my medical situation.
With days spent at home with little guy, the Lord began to teach me about love. He showed me how to relate to little guy and how to handle discipline (time outs) in love. I pushed aside my worry about pain, picked him up, held him, hugged him and tickled him cause that’s what being a little kid is about… being loved. Little guy and I ended up having a lot of fun watching veggie tales, laughing, and learning new words. Yes… he had his moments, but God helped me push through, in love regardless of the physical pain I was in at various times. Still unable to see DR. Runco until I get the results from my x-rays and MRI… things were a little iffy, however, by the grace of God I had no need for any pain reliever.
Another thing the Lord showed me (which began last week)… I was living in a constant state of fear. This fear was keeping me back from my life. There are so many things I desire to do (ie: go to school, work, get out on my own, continue the running ministry, ect.) however, I was in serious bondage to fear. I was afraid to go to school because I’d tried before and when my family and I lost our home in 2011 along with the matters concerning my troubled loved one, I suffered severe trauma and ended up having to drop everything just to attempt to find some sort of grounding. I was afraid to go out and try to work again, because of all the times I’d failed. This week, a MAJOR fear was reveled… I was afraid of people… REALLY… I mean… can you blame me? A friend of mine I worked with at a grocery store last year took me to breakfast and coffee. This was the first time I’d hung out with anyone outside of my God family and a few church events in almost a year, and I found myself nervously itching and on edge!!! WOW! When I recognized what was going on with me, I started to look back over the past few months… every day… I was detaching myself from the emotion of each day, so afraid to love or be loved, so afraid to talk to people, waking up everyday… just trying to make it through each moment, praying to God that something would change. WHen, in reality, what needed to change was me!
I began to press into the Lord even harder! I told Him … “this may be the life that I’ve been given, and I may not like how things currently are, but I choose today to enjoy it! I surrender my health, family, friendships, ministry, finances…. I surrender it all to You! Thank you for another day Lord. No matter what, I choose to thank you!” I woke up the next morning, and right off the bat I had to make the decision to have a good day. The moment I did that, it’s as if a veil was taken off of my eyes. For the first time in a while, I began to feel again. I mean REALLY feel! I started seeing my mom, little guy and our lives through different eyes. The Lord also re-stirred the hope that I’d had a few weeks back when I’d left the harvest carnival/ magic show at Hilltop… I began to see that if I truly want to go back to school, I can. If I want to continue to run and race… I can, I just need to allow myself to heal and take in every bit of care that I can get to get me balanced and in top shape again. Ministry, I can do… Love… I CAN DO… be loved… Yes… that too! Work… I’ll dust myself off and try try try again! Why? Because I AM A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH KING! AND IN HIM I CAN DO ALL THINGS!!! What do you know… After some prayer, thought and talking with my upstairs neighboe… I began to take steps in the direction that I feel the Lord is calling me. Will it be school, work, how will I return to health… well, stay tuned as God begins to unfold. For now… it’s all rather “hush hush” (as they say on Veggie Tails =)
Now, as we head into the weekend, I just want to encourage you… no matter what you’re facing.. weather it’s fear of failure, seemingly impossible circumstances, loss of job, loss of a loved one, broken relationships, broken dreams… GOD IS BIGGER!!! HE IS STRONGER!!! JESUS (FIRST AND FOREMOST) has been there and paved the way, having suffered every imaginable pain including death so we could be free to live!!! Today, I’ll close in a prayer and… of course, leave you a recipe to fill your taste buds with =0)
I thank you for all that you’ve done for us! You know the things that the person(s) reading this is (are) dealing with. You know the ups and downs, the trials and tribulations, and still…Heavenly Father… you’ve seen the FINISH LINE! I pray that You would stretch out your hand and comfort them! Send forth your Holy Spirit along with Your angelic hosts into their lives, homes, and every place they dwell to bring healing in their minds, bodies, relationships, hearts or any other place needed, to rescue the loved ones of theirs that need you, to bring provision where there is lack, hope in hopelessness, freedom from fears and bondages and peace that surpasses all understanding! For those who are unsaved, I pray that you will rescue them, help them to find you I thank You Lord that you ALREADY have the victory! I give this now into Your hands to act according to Your will! In your Son’s Heavenly name I pray…Amen!
Now, for the recipe
SMALL BATCH GLUTEN FREE BANANA NUT BREAD COOKIES
(makes 7 cookies)
1 cup brown rice flour
1/8 tsp baking soda
A pinch of salt
1 egg white
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup organic raw sugar
1/4 heaping cup mashed ripe banana
1/4 cup crumbles wall nuts (optional)
Preheat oven to 350° spray a cookie sheet lightly with butter flavored cooking spray. Place 7 spoonfuls of dough evenly onto sheet (may make more or less depending on scoop sizes). Bake for 10-15 min (or until edges are slightly golden brown) on MIDDLE oven rack. Set out to cool and serve with your morning coffee or fresh out of the oven with some vanilla fro yo and caramel drizzle!