Today’s journey and a celebration of all God has brought me through!

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Hey all! I’m back again and the holidays have been such a blessed glorious time, however they’ve also been filled with many trials. I ended up not being able to repair my car and the progress I made in walking and running .. well, it’s been a battle to walk again at times. Due to the injury, I’m unable to walk up and down hills which is pretty much all that’s around my home. As a result, I either have to leave with my mom and spend all day out and about sometimes half hobbling while she’s working or stuck inside a tiny apartment unable to leave. Getting to my basic necessities such as groceries and laundry amenities has been a challenge, and it’s been a fight to get out to get treated by Dr. Runco let alone make any other health related appointments. These extremes brought me to a near breaking point today… However, I have fought daily to focus on the things that I CAN do and not on my own misery.

I worked both Christmas Eve and the day before at KMART. What a blessing it was to even have health to be there! Despite the fact that Christmas Eve was a Sunday which is not a day I have in my availability, and one I would normally insist on having off, I decided I needed to be there for my team. On Christmas I was blessed to enjoy the day with family, watching “The Greatest Showman” and really just soaking up good food and fellowship. Honestly, the movie was one of the best I’ve seen in several years!

As for my current predicament, I now face a new year full of uncertainties. The thing is, life has always been full of uncertainties! Nothing is really ever in our control other than how we react now is it? With the new year, comes a date that’s very important to me. As of January 11, 2018, I will be 11 years clean from crystal meth addiction and going into almost one year of being completely weight restored after battling an eating disorder that nearly took my life. So, I’m choosing to celebrate by sharing with you (once again and for those of you who have never read or heard my story) my story of being a victim to abuse and tragedy, and becoming an overcoming victor by the power of God. So… I’ll be breaking this down into pieces seeing that the material that I’m about to expose is quite heavy and not easily digestible to those who have not encountered such events. I know that my life and my trials are nothing compared to many who have most likely experienced much worse, but I hope that in sharing my trials I can give hope to those who read and hear. To those who choose to continue to read, thank you and I hope that you are encouraged!

My story Part I

Traumatized… the story of my life… now… to a point of near breakdown. Here’s review for those of you who have not heard my actual testimony. As a child, I was molested by my father before I was even able to actually walk. Yes… I didn’t even get a chance to know virtue. Though he was removed from my life just before I turned five, this seemed to become the pattern for my life. From that point on, I was verbally abuse and made fun of (to a point of literally peeing my pants out of fear at times), physically abused, and sexually abused by various mentors, other kids and people I trusted throughout my life. This included my stepfather who my mom married when I was nine years old.

While my mom was single, we battled financially. Regardless, she did all that she could to raise me with a strong foundation in Christ, and give me as much as she could as far as material wants and necessities go. The amazing thing is, God always provided not only necessities, but also things that I wanted. I never lacked a single thing!

Just before my mom married, we moved from my hometown of South Lake Tahoe to Las Vegas. When she got married, I was introduced to three new siblings, and she had two more kids. Along with my new family came an introduction into a world of troublesome activities. I started smoking cigarettes and drinking. At the age of 10, smoked marijuana for the first time when I was 12, and tried crystal meth for the first time when I was just 14. Though I did try to stay away from these things by finding outlets through my Love of the performing arts, I kept finding myself slipping into issues with addiction.

As a preteen, our refrigerator broke down and between my food addiction and our constant purchasing of quick easy/unhealthy meals, I began to gain a significant amount of weight. Meanwhile, chaos in the house was out of control! My stepfather had severe addiction issues. At one point, we lost our home and were almost consistently stuck in a cycle of poverty. We had family members and friends moving in and out of our home, and the home was often filled with stress and arguing. My stepbrothers got into some serious trouble that lead to them being tried and imprisoned as adults at a very young age. My family was shattered!

I soon found refuge in school and friends. The problem is, drugs kept calling my name. I smoked marijuana from time to time, started ditching school and tried crystal meth two more times in high school. I also started to look for attention in the wrong guys. That’s when the dieting started. I noticed that the guys I liked had no interest in me, called me chubby and would only look at my boobs when they would speak to me, so I started skipping meals and dieting when I was 14. This became a pattern throughout my time as a teen and young adult.

Flash forward to the end of my senior year…. I was barely passing most my classes, and failing the rest of them. I was also in a really bad relationship with someone I soon relocated to San Diego with. Just before I moved, I received news that my stepfather was leaving my mother for another woman. Like a jerk, I too left her for my own selfish reasons. With the promise of marriage and happier life, I moved away with my so-called love.

Throughout that relationship, I battled severe eating disorders. I went back to school and receive my diploma, overworked myself doing two and three jobs at a time, and went from completely restricting and over exercising to over eating and barely doing anything. Between his lies, cheating (even with people I called friends), verbal abuse, and 2 situations that involved physical abuse along with the serious trust, insecurity, short temper and control issues that I had rooted deep inside of me… the relationship came to a devastating end. My ex and our roommate quickly told me to leave and I was forced to live with a coworker of mine and her family.

The feeling of loss was horrifying! I remember waking up my first time living in my new home… it hurt to open my eyes, to swallow, to breathe, to close my eyes and sleep… life. just. hurt!!!

Shortly after, I ended up hanging out with my ex’s cousin that was a well known meth addict in the area. One night, while he and a buddy were picking some meth up for a friend, they asked me to come along. After they delivered it, they took their share, and we went to the parking lot of a school that was closed where they began to smoke and offered me some. One hit, and I was hooked. The pain was gone! I could stay awake for days and not have to worry about going to sleep and dreaming of my ex or deal with the pain of waking up and not seeing him there next to me. I lost an extreme amount of weight, and had new so-called friends to hang out with and keep my mind occupied. The only time I really felt anything, was when I was coming down. That’s when reality hit, only 10 times worse! So, I went to extreme lengths to maintain my high so I wouldn’t have to face coming down. This is when life got REALLY out of hand!

I then started blowing most of my money on my new addiction. When I couldn’t get that, I started using Ritalin and Adderall to help me stay focused at work ease the pain. I quickly ended up in jail for three days (long enough to know I never want to go there again) and lost my job and my car all in less than a month. My mom soon came to visit me for Thanksgiving, and it was obvious that I had some serious issues. Shortly after her leaving, I lost my home. From the winter of 2005- to January of 2007, I wandered the streets of San Diego couch-surfing, having short-lived moments of living with friends, sleeping in parks, in bushes and on the sides of some of the places that I worked, and even in public restrooms.

I remember one night I was standing, looking at myself in the mirror in the mobile station bathroom in Carmel Mountain with news paper spread on the floor for me to sleep on. I started crying hysterically and asking God why He had to let me lose everything I thought I loved. It was there, in my darkest moment that I heard Him whisper, “I have always love you with an everlasting love!”

Nights I spent on the street were horrifying! Through it all though, I knew someone was praying for me. So many times, I was in situations when I should not of made it out alive, but somehow, someway, I made it through! My life was literally threatened on numerous occasions, I also woke up to find that I’d been sexually messed with in my sleep, ended up stranded in various unsafe locations, friends of mine where not just getting murdered but SLAUGHTERED because of the field that we were in, people around me were going to prison, and the list goes on. Thankfully, I’m alive and here to talk about it to this day! I found out shortly after I got clean that dear friends of my family and I had been woken up promptly at 4 AM repeatedly to pray for me! I know it’s those prayers and the hand of God that saved me and got me through.

Finally, December 2006, I was losing my last job, was getting shoved out of yet another home, and doors of accessed to my addiction quickly were closing. After “accidentally“ missing my first bus to meet my mom for Christmas, I made yet another call to my mom to ask her if I could come “visit“ for a little while. Thus began a new chapter in life I never expected. Then again… most events in life are never expected…

This concludes the first part of my story. To those of you who stuck it out and read, thank you! I can only hope that you can see the hand of God in my life and somehow find some hope for your own life through my story. Though there are details that I didn’t get into due to the traumatic nature of them, I’m always here and always willing to answer any questions you have! As for what I’m doing now, I know one thing is for sure, I’m not giving up! I have made a lot of bad choices, and a lot of bad things have happened to me that were not my choice. My life as of now is a result of a combination of the two. Regardless, I’m taking responsibility for my own life! I’m doing what I can. each moment. of each day. to. just. press. through! I’ll continue with another portion of my journey in my next post. Until then, God bless!

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A little sweetness in bitter times

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Happy Sunday y’all! I hope things of been going well for you since my last post. My world things have been a bit challenging to say the least, however in the midst of my trials I’m finding strength in Christ, along with a whole lot of food inspiration! Best of all, I’m learning the true value of human life and seeing what really matters in life is not whether or not we achieve some earthly goal or possession. What matters is how much we love.
Now, since my last post I’ve continued to press on in school despite a lot of the giants I’ve been facing. For anyone who knows what it’s like to deal with PTSD while going to school you know my pain. For those of you don’t, it’s incredibly trying. For someone with PTSD things that are stressful to normal person are 2 to 3 times more stressful for that person. When stress hits it’s almost like chaos completely overwhelms your mind and you can’t think straight. Sometimes I flashback to a Trumatic experience in childhood or life in the middle of the day while I’m doing something and it can cause a panic attack. I’ve had to learn to focus inward and find peace in Christ in order to maintain my sanity. While I’m in the process of healing from it… when it rears its ugly head it’s not fun.

Along with PTSD I also have been battling the same issues with my back and legs. I stand in class, then I take moments of brief sit down time. This is all in order to make sure that I don’t get a back flareup.
Continuously standing in one place for too long has put a lot of pressure on the muscles in my legs, which later has an effect when I try to go for a walk to relieve stress. The stress from classes, life and the sitting that I still have to do from time to time has caused my psoas and iliacus muscles to be overly tight. The help that I need isn’t covered by my insurance, so I do what I can to get by on a day to day basis.

 

Finally, the stress of classes, health, finances, worries about my troubled loved one (and not getting to see her this week for her birthday)… chaos at home and trying to study through it finally just took it’s toll. Last Thursday I was rushed to the ER after I collapsed due to heart pain and chest pressure.
Now, I know that has a believer I’m supposed to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. I know that I need to find my peace in God. These things I try to do. Believe me, I do what I can to find my peace rest in him. What people need to realize is that sometimes no matter how strong someone is founded in Christ, life can become overwhelming. The enemy attacks whome he fears and he has definitely attacked my family and me. The thing is I refused to back down! I’m choosing to believe that God is working as always! Meanwhile, I’m off to another round of testing to find out if there’s a deeper issue. Since this is the second time within a year’s time that I’ve been admitted to the ER with heart problems, it’s time to take a closer look. And all honesty, my guess is that a lot of it has to do with my struggles with eating disorders over the years. Stress can do so much to you, but when you’re under weight it can kill you. While I’m currently just a few pounds from my weight goal given to me by my doctor… years of miss treating my body have taken it’s toll.

My point in saying all of this is to let you know that while people these days seem to focus on the damage that obesity can do to somebody, we also need to take a look at what being too thin can do to somebody. Eating disorders of any kind or not beautiful they. are. ugly., and this is the darkside of it. This doesn’t mean to go hackling at everybody who is super thin because some people are just naturally that way. However if you or someone that you know is struggling with malnourishment, any eating disorder of any kind whether it’s over or under eating… help them or get help for yourself ASAP! I can’t stress that enough! There are so many resources out there so many people who are ready and willing to help. For me, I found a lot of help through my support system which includes my mom and my God mom, my counselor, The ED community that communicates via social media, my church, my friends and so much more. There’s nothing to be ashamed of when you decide to step out and show love to yourself by taking care of you.
Thank In closing I just want to let you all know this whole thing has really help me see how precious and fragile life is. Every moment that I get to snuggle with my cat who seems to know when something’s wrong, that I get to hold my little nephew, hug my mom, go to church, see my friends, go to school, go to work… every breath I breathe is a blessing and it’s an opportunity to love. Whoever you are that’s reading this whether you are battling with an eating disorder or battling with bitterness, unforgiveness, or just need encouragement to press on… take a deep breath right now and thank God for that breath. Look in the mirror and tell yourself how incredibly awesome you are as a creation of God. Get out there and forgive, forget the drama, quit hating on each other and fighting over stupid junk and just love on each other. Embrace your mom, your dad, your friends, your loved ones who surround you. Just love!
As always I tried to leave you guys with a delicious recipe to enjoy until my next post…. so…

Sweet potato À la mode

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*Ingredients*
-1 medium sweet potato
-1 pint of maple vanilla arctic zero ice cream
-1/4 cup slivered dry roasted almonds
*Directions*
Preheat the oven to 350° and bake your sweet potato for 45 minutes to a half hour or until you can poke a knife easily through to the center. Pull it out of the oven, cut down the middle, let the potato cool just a little bit, and scoop some arctic zero right into the center. Top it off with your slivered almonds and enjoy! I had a little bit of the pint left over after putting some in the middle of my potato, however I enjoyed the rest of it just because it’s too good not to indulge!

 

* Disclaimer (thank you Emily for reminding me of this): I am not a health professional, I’m training to be one. I do not have my license, so any advice I gave is merely on experience. In other words your health care provider is the best person to consult for any nutritional advice.

Love and my thoughts on the matter! Plus … chocolate swirl mug cake recipe!!!

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Back again and here it is the beginning of a new semester! I’ll be honest, I went into it feeling absolutely fried! Between physical pain, a serious battle with the cold flu thing that just does not seem to want to go away, financial struggles, family stuff, starting a new business, promotion at work, and the start of a whole new round of classes… It took me just about everything in me to take my first few steps on campus!

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(Photo from favim.com)

It’s almost like that senioritis that everybody talks about hit! Especially being that this is my final semester at the community college level. However, I asked the Lord to help me push through and here I am feeling hopeful yet a little skeptical at as to how to approach my studies… at any rate I thought I would talk about a subject that I haven’t really spent too much time on in this blog. Since Valentine’s Day is right around the corner it seems suitable to me to talk a little bit about love.

Now, if anybody knows my story you know that my life has been full of a lot of heartbreak and I always seem to chase Mr. wrong instead of letting God bring Mr. right, and it seems that people I’m not interested in (not that I’m better than anyone, just not interested) are the ones to show an interest. I’ve also somehow attractive these weird stocker creepy guys or the ones that make the claim that they need someone to take care of them.

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(Photo credit Disney pictures)

Nothing personal gentleman but that’s not a way to view a lady I’m not here to take care of you. Relationships are a partnership. You take care of each other. Then there’s the good guys (cough caugh… a guy I crossed paths with recently 😍😍😍/ not sure if he’s a believer) that I would be interested in, who are faithful, God-fearing, and not to mention good looking that I come across and for one reason or another I’m terrified to even look at the wrong way!
Whhaaatttt????
Now, for a long time I’ve had the sense that I enjoy being alone. The fact of the matter is I really enjoy having my space and not having to worry about if someone’s going to be angry or upset if I don’t call them at a certain time or pick up my phone at a certain time or meet with them on a certain day. For me right now I have a lot of responsibilities as it is with church, school, work, Family, etc… that when I do get a moment alone I like to just isolate myself in my room and either listen to some music or just get some peace and quiet. Any guy that would get involved in my life would have to be believer in Christ, goal oriented and driven, understanding of the life that I lead and the physical pain that I battle off and on, open and willing to share with me his weaknesses and allow me to help if and when is I can, and understand that I’m not here to wipe his butt I’m here to be a partner in life. In other words, I’m not into having a relationship unless there’s a potential for marriage. Put it this way single, saved and celibate.
My message to anyone really bummed about spending Valentine’s Day alone, focus on the people and the things that you do have! I’ve literally spent the past 12 years without a valentine. I honestly only dated one guy in the past 10 years and that relationship only lasted a little over a month. I’ve been celibate for 10 years and I intend to keep it that way until married. For me, Valentine’s Day has been a day to focus on Jesus and what he’s done for me and all the people that I do have in my life: Mom, nephew, God mamma and her new hubby, close friends and church family. Truly that’s were true love does exist. I’m currently working on loving myself and letting my love for God and myself shine through to other people. I’m honestly a work in progress. As for love right now as in having a relationship with a man kind of love? Well, that’s entirely up to the Lord. It’s not that I’m not open it’s simply that I’m not open to anyone that God would not have for me. God is not going to talk me into: 1.) someone who does not love God. 2.) someone who will ask me to abandon the dreams and goals of God is placed in my heart. 3.) someone who is manipulative, or stalking 4.) someone who expects me to take care of them without being willing to do the same for me. 5.) someone that I’m not physically and emotionally attracted to (sorry but both components do you come into play) 6.) someone who expect me to make his life my soul priority. 7.) last but not least, someone who is going to take me away from my family. My family means the world to me and this includes my God family. Plain and simple.
In a nutshell, God doesn’t want me in another bad relationship. He wants me in a relationship that will shine forth in a way that will show a testimony of His redeeming love, goodness and grace
So now you know my stance on love. I hope this helps any of you out there who are dealing with loneliness. Remember that above all the best companion you can have is God and if you can’t stand to spend time with yourself, you really don’t have a good relationship with yourself therefore you are going to have a healthy relationship with others.

Nowwww onto a new recipe that I came up with! I have been a really hooked on mug cakes lately, and the following is a chocolate brownie swirl mug cake that either you can eat alone with some coffee on Valentine’s Day, or you can make two or three and enjoy it with your loved ones or over a candlelight dinner with that special someone! Happy Valentine’s Day!

Valentines Day Chocolate Swirl Mug Cake!!!

*Ingredients*

-2/3 cup mashed baked sweet potato or canned pumpkin
-2 egg whites
-1 tbs vanilla yogurt
– 3 tbs oat flour ( oats ground in a blender)
-1/8 tsp baking soda
– cinnamon to taste
-1 tbs coco powder
-5-6 packets stevia
– 1-2 tbs almond butter

*Directions*
Set almond butter aside to use as icing, then mix dry and wet ingredients separately, leaving The Coco out for last. Then mix the two sets of ingredients together once it’s there early mixed split it into two parts adding the Coco to one part. Greece and nicesize coffee mug with olive oil or cooking spray place one of the sets of ingredients into the cup and swirl the other set in so you’ll get that chocolate and orange swirl place it in the microwave for 3 to 5 minutes until it’s completely turn the cup upside down onto a plate and drizzle the almond butter on top. You can also sprinkle a packet of stevia over the top for added sweetness (hmmmmm)!

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Freedom in the midst of trials!

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Hey long time no blog , so I decided I should check in. I hope you all had a wonderful summer! Mine has had its ups and downs like a major rollercoaster! Finished Library studies, swimming, and yoga… And…  Had some plans to do a rather brilliant house sit, buuuuttt I had to cancel due to pain issues. You see, somehow… The muscles in my feet have had issues which have lead to tention and pain in my claves and hamstrings. The money that had been raised so far for the gofundme that my friend Becca set up has been helping me get chiropracric, acupuncture, podiatry, and massage therapy… I get advancements… Then a major set back leaves me hobbleing. Feels like I’m chasing shadows running from practitioner to practitioner just trying to get some relief. On top of it , in an effort to find out if it was nutritional my Dr did some blood tests and found out that I have a low white blood cell count along with a low blood clotting Factor. We’ve continued testing for about 2 weeks now and are uncertain as to what exactly it could be. While there are possibilities and I don’t want to name them at this time, I’m still waiting on the results. However…. In the midst of it… A MAJOR blessing was dropped in my lap! My friend Gabby works for a couple who has several cars. She told her employer about my situation, and as it turned out they had an extra car that they haven’t used in years! Gabby give me a call after service one Sunday saying that she needed to show me something and asked if it would be alright if she stop by and see me. When she came by that evening she and her husband brought over a car for me! A free car!!! Finally freedom! To go when I need to where I need to! I was so overjoyed! Ahhhhh! I still can’t get over it!

As for eating and weight issues… in all honesty I have trouble knowing what a real meal looks like. I don’t know if it has to do with the trauma I have endured over my lifetime, however when I sit dcan’tor a meal it seems like there’s chaos in my mind. I used to make such beautiful dishes… Now… Just a whole lotta mess! While I’ve gained weight… It’s not due to balanced meals. In the midst of it I continue to press on and try to break free from it.

Finally in the midst of everything , family drama hit once again… To spare you the details… I’ll just say… Count it all joy! With so much hanging in the balance… My world seems to be in utter chaos… Trying so hard to trust that God will help me make it through this coming semester starting in just a few weeks… Until then…. I’ll keep praising God for the prayers that have been answered and praise Him regardless of the pain I’m in. In closing I’ll say… Whatever your facing… God is right there with you! Don’t give up! Don’t give in! No recipe this time, however… I’ll share some reviews on a few products that helped me step out of my food phobia zones!

1. RXBars
Ughhhh! So, Trader Joes started carrying these jems and I’M HOOKED! My favorite is definitely the. Coconut chocolate (perfect partner for am coffee)! Blueberry takes a close second. However… Those are the only 2 flavors I’ve been able to get my paws on.

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2. Justin’s Nut butters!
I tried their maple almond, vanilla almond, hazelnut chocolate and… Hazelnut chocolate and vanilla almond tied for the taste test win!

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3. Gomacro bars. So, I only tried one being that it’s the only one I could find that was allergen friendly for me and…. It was amazing! Sweet… Not too sweet and very satisfying. I could totally partner it with a salted carmel oikos!

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So, how were these phobias? Well… All products contain fats (healthy fats) and Justins contains organic sugar. Being that I haven’t really been able to get a real workout in a while… Eating these was a HUGE step for me! Honestly, both are must haves in my backpack and glove compartment for between class snacking!
Weeelllll…. I hope y’all have tried or at least get to try these amazing treats! Have a wonderful summer (at least what’s left of it)… Until next post… ❤❤❤