When Death Comes Knocking… Part 15 of My Journey

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(Image from abcnews.com)

Sitting in bed this morning, my mind and senses took me back to a moment in Tahoe when I was just a kid. I was hanging out in Myers which is a town just outside of South Shore at my friends’ house (two gals my mom cared for) and the rain had just ended. We all enjoyed some cream of wheat and the fresh smell of the after rain air! The grey sky, the mist that remained in the air over the greenery that surrounded the area, the warm and sweet taste of delicious cream of wheat… (deep breath) I can almost feel, smell, and taste everything about that moment! There’s something so healing and beautiful about this memory! How my spirit longs for those times when things seemed so simple, when eating disorders didn’t exist, when all that mattered was that sweet and fragrant air and that big bowl of warm goodness covered in butter, sugar and milk, when my stomach could actually handle those things without cramping up until I nearly curl over in pain, and when my body was free to run, hike, sled and ride bikes all over the Lake Tahoe area. I was always an active kid until my move to Las Vegas and sexual abuse started over, making me so depressed and not really want to do anything. In that moment in Tahoe, I was safe. No predators, just good friends, good food, and the sweet after rain air! Today, I’m definitely battling pain. I’ve gone from being able to run anywhere from 2 to 14 miles and training for what was supposed to be my first marathon back from forced retirement to finding it hard to walk and run again; However, I found out why oatmeal tends to be my staple food. It’s the closest thing to that warm and comforting bowl of cream of wheat that my stomach can handle and it brings me back to one of my most cherished memories and one of the few that I have that were free of emotional and physical pain. It also brings me back to the days when I was running and racing as it was my choice fuel each morning. Anyhow, I’m going to take advantage of this time, attempt to go on a walk (run if my body allows) and continue to share my journey with you!

Now, I left off in my last post as I had just finished my summer semester biology course with and was struggling to walk again. Now… on to part 15 of my journey.

My Journey Part 15

Now, I never intended for it to take this long to share my journey! To those who have been reading so far, thank you so much! I will try to keep details as minimal as possible and get through the rest of this as quickly and painlessly as possible!

Fall semester of 2015 definitely had its battles! Classes started only a few weeks after summer classes had ended, however those few weeks were a much needed break during which worked extra hours at Kmart and got a little surprise! As I mentioned before in my last post my sister was pregnant again and was just about to have another baby. Apparently she had cleaned up and, this time around, it looked much more hopeful being that the babies father really had his life together. The problem is, she had her baby on July 10, and because of the circumstances surrounding her firstborn son and my mother having custody of him, I was unable to see the baby. Shut out, from the beginning. As much as it affected my family and me, I had to press on and move on!

I was originally signed up for a full course load of, I believe 13 units, however due to the pain I had to take care of me, cut back to working 2 days at Kmart (doing housesits to make up for the lack of hours) and drop a class. My fall class lineup included experimental analysis biology, intro to probability and statistics, Gym, beginning swimming (as I was released to do balance and water workouts), and comparative religion (philosophy). I absolutely LOVED philosophy as it gave me such a wonderful opportunity to compare and contrast other faiths with my own and really see and connect the truth of God using it as a basis for all of my coursework. In essence, I was ministering to everyone who read it! What an honor!

(Evening swim where I enjoyed working off the stress from classes despite pain)

I was approved by medi-Cal for another round of treatment from the same physical therapist which was a relief. However, I was still battling a lot of the same aches and pains. Her treatment continued through the first month, but then… due to my coverage, had to come to an end. There I was, just barely through the first portion of my fall semester, and I had to use the tools that all my physical therapists had given me over time to do what are known as “self adjustments.“ With these adjustments, I had to learn how to use muscle energy to move my hips and spine back into place. However, these only worked for so long and I ended up in even more pain. During this time, I had become friends with a very kind lady who referred me to her chiropractor in El Cerrito. Meanwhile, in our visits together, she did make note of how thin I was. I took her comments as attacks assuming that she was just jealous. Yeahhh I was prideful! At the same time, I couldn’t understand why SHE would be jealous of ME because she is so beautiful! I used some of my grant money to go to a couple visits with the chiropractor she recommended and things begin to somewhat look up. He encouraged me to just ice and keep moving as it was the only way I could properly heal. Move and let the body adapt to being in alignment. That made sense! After a few visits with him, I continued to use my muscle energy exercises and combined that with his treatment in order to help me make it through the semester.

In the month of October, the pressure from classes, finances, not knowing what was going on with my sister and the new baby, and anorexia Athletica took their toll on me!

After spending several hours a week at the gym and in the pool along with all the studies and running around I had to do in order to get things done being that I didn’t have a car….. I became exhausted, depressed, and nearly lifeless. I was staying at a housesit, caring for the dog, studying till I couldn’t think straight, and on October 11, 2015, I was so exhausted from everything that I stayed home from church for the first time in a very long time. My mom came to pick me up and I was just sobbing telling her I just needed to be left alone. Even though I was dressed, I went upstairs, fell asleep, and cried when I woke up. I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to live, but I ate anyway and spent the day resting. That evening, my godmother gave me a call and invited me to go swimming with her at her gym since the following day was a holiday and we both thought that my swimming class would not be meeting. (As it turned out it was meeting but thankfully my professor let it slide).I accepted her offer and met up with her the following morning. There. I spent over an hour in the pool and got out. Afterwords, I showered and met up with her in the main part of the locker room where she said, “I think I’m going to go and weigh myself.” “ yeah,“ I said, “I like to stay OFF of the scale, it can be a danger zone for me.“ The thing is, the Holy Spirit was using her to coax me onto that scale! After she got on, I felt the urge to get on and found out that soaking wet, after eating a huge breakfast and swimming, I weighed just over 84 pounds! NO WONDER I FELT SO LIFELESS! That evening, after she dropped me off, I started an Instagram page right away to log my journey. I decided I was not going to allow 84 pounds to kill me. Little did I know, the battle for my life was only beginning.

(I originally took photos w/ out my face showing to keep myself anonymous)

Though I was stepping into, my eating patterns were still out of whack! I still ate very few fats and was still eating way below the caloric intake that I needed to. At the same time, I was being a little more open about what I included in my diet. I started eating more grains and proteins from fish, eggs and even chicken (I later found out I’m allergic to chicken). At the same time, I drenched everything and Stevia, salt, and lemon juice or vinegar.

Meanwhile, I continue to drive every bit of energy that I had into classes, jumping from housesit to housesit, counseling appointments, doctors appointments, chiropractic appointments, constant issues with illness and all dealing with financial issues and my moms car having some issues as well.

Thankfully, I made it through and finished once again with straight A’s! It seemed like the only thing going for me with school! Though during the semester I was given the opportunity to take part in filming by doing some narrative in the school orientation video, outside of that, I didn’t really get to act. Physical exercise was painful, but I did anyway and really didn’t enjoy as much. However, it definitely helped clear my mind from all the craziness that was going on!

That year, just before classes ended I was singing in the choir in the annual “Singing Christmas tree.” Once classes and the show were over, I found myself having hard time walking again! I sucked it up, enjoyed the little time of Christmas break that I had and prepare to head straight into my Spring 2016 semester. During the break, my godmother got married and at her wedding, I sang “We’ve Only Just Begun” by the Carpenters. Still thin and frail, I had no idea how closely resembling my life and Karen Carpenter’s had quickly become (thankfully… I’m not dead).

As my spring semester started, I found myself plunging completely into classes.

I found it was a sanctuary away from my home life. It was a place where I could study and be away from the chaos at home. I found myself preferring to be at school drowning myself in studies rather than staying at home and facing my reality. My spring class lineup of 13.5 units included human anatomy, pre-calculus, acting on film and television, lab, assisted tutoring, swim, and Pilates. At the get go, the Holy Spirit was prompting me to take better care of myself. You see, in anatomy we had to look at cadavers throughout most of the semester. One of the cadavers just happened to have died from cancer that triggered anorexia nervosa. Her main cause of death was anorexia.

At the beginning of the semester, I began to get sick… repeatedly. I continued on with my classes. Despite the injury, I continued to do what I could to just keep pressing through. I started seeing a different chiropractor in El Sobrante. He was Very first one I had ever seen. While his treatments did help a little, I found myself still in a lot of pain. Medi-Cal was supposed to cover one visit a month and I found out later that he wasn’t taking Medi-Cal, so a bill was piling up. I was misinformed by his secretary, so unknowingly, I racked up a relatively large debt. Meanwhile chaos hit in my personal life!

You see, just as suspicions had arose, my sister had been using drugs again! As a result, she ended up in a situation that put both her and her new baby in danger and my mom and I ended up having him in our care for three days. Though this was an answered prayer because I hadn’t even met my new nephew yet, at the same time, it was me who had to stay home and inside with a traumatize child yet again!

I did the best I could to look past how the situation effected me, did what I could to emotionally hold it together, do my schoolwork, and be as loving to little guy is possible even though I was in pain. After all, it wasn’t about me, it was about my nephew who just really needed a lot of love. Soon, the little guy’s dad came to pick them up and he was taken from us once again. My heart broke! This was just another reason for me to dive even deeper into my studies and unknowingly into bad eating patterns. After all, though I was including new foods, I was not getting enough calories for all the energy that I was putting out.

Shortly after the situation with my sister and the baby, my mom’s car broke down which meant I had to take the bus to and from school and pretty much anywhere else I needed to go. It wasn’t so bad considering that I could spend the hour or so that I spent waiting for or on the bus to do my studies without interruption. The problem was that I was already putting out a lot of energy with studies and gym classes and was not eating enough to even maintain that let alone walking (carefully) to and from the bus stop and putting out more energy going from stop to stop. Along with that came trying to just maintain my health and not get hurt again. All the running around just increased the pain that I was in. To make matters worse, nearly 3/4 of the way through the semester, I received news that my grandmother on my dad side who I was not able to see and barely able to talk to over the previous two years due to the restraining order that I had on him and the fact that he lived with her had passed away! Not only that, but upon calling my Aunt D… I found out that she had suffered from severe abuse from some family members (Who I’ll keep nameless) until just a few months prior to her death. I had just gotten out of class, had been studying all day and received the original news of her death via Facebook! FACEBOOK OF ALL PLACES! No one had called me to let me know that her health was deteriorating, no one informed me of anything despite the fact that I was still in contact with some of my relatives on that side, I had to find out through Facebook of all places! I completely fell apart so much so that I ended up missing my swim class.

The next day, I Called my professor for swim and explained to him the situation with my grandmother passing and he totally understood!

(Empty pool all to myself was just what I needed to relieve the stress)

He allowed me to go to the pool and make up my class. The pool was empty, and I pretty much had it to myself that day. I think maybe one other person was there which was a total godsend! After my swim, I stood in the shower, half lifeless again, and began to weep hysterically. I then pulled my things together, finished up the little homework that I had left to do at the transfer station on campus, then caught the bus and went on with my day.

Throughout the semester, I found so much joy in learning anatomy! Professor Coatney had so much life and passion for what she did! Along with that, my acting in film and television course (taught by the amazing professor Mccarty-Shwab) gave me such an incredible outlet! I was acting, working out, and learning… I was pretty much doing everything that I loved to do! On top of it, I was just granted some help financially with getting started on my dream which is a clothing and jewelry line called “Messenger Gear” that help spread awareness and raise funds to stop human trafficking. The only problem was, my self-worth was in the toilet! The devastation from everything going on around me between my mom’s car breaking down, barely being able to afford to eat at times, the battle with the eating disorder and the death of my grandmother had finally taken their toll on my body and the Friday before finals… I was rushed to the emergency room with severe chest pain.

The ER team let me in immediately and I was placed on the scale to find that I weighed only 190 pounds. At 5 foot 4 1/2 inches, though I had gained 6 pounds over the semester, I was still not carrying nearly enough weight especially considering everything I was doing. As I sat there waiting for the doctor to come in, I obsessively went over my flash card cards for my Anatomy final exam. Then, a dear friend of mine that I had worked for as his personal assistant came in and saw the mess that I was! I was completely embarrassed!

(Yeaaahh I thought I was fat)

The doctor told me that I needed to be at 118 pounds so that my body can heal. My mind did not even want to wrap itself around the idea of gaining nearly 30 lbs. to me, 110 (which was recommended by my general practitioner) was OK, but one 118 was completely out of the question! Yep, I was definitely sick!

Finals week came and went and I came out victoriously by the hand of God with, he straight A’s again! Only by the grace of God was I able to even accomplish these things! Yes, I put in the hard work and the hours of study, but it’s only by His grace that I was able to achieve anything at all!

Summer break came and along with it came the invitation to go to my grandmothers memorial service with my cousins! This was such a bittersweet moment! My father had apparently moved back to Hawaii making it possible for me to go to the event.

(My beautiful cousin Natalie)

While there, I stayed at my grandmothers home and the PTSD set in more than I could’ve ever imagined! I repeatedly kept asking my relatives if they were sure that my dad was not coming. Around every corner of the house and everywhere I went, I watched cautiously, I panicked as my uncle took me from place to place in his car, and at the memorial I had a mini face off with my Aunt V who grabbed me by my wrist and made me feel like crap for staying in my grandmothers home while visiting. Despite what I felt in connection to the confrontation with this person, I decided to enjoy the time that I did have with my family.

The ceremony was absolutely beautiful! The thing is, the eating disorder reared its ugly head again! Though I tried to gain weight, I wasn’t eating enough again. I was very guarded about what I ate the entire time I was there! I didn’t let anybody in! I tried to work out, but my body just flared up again!

On the way home, my cousins wanted to go out to San Francisco which is just about a half hour to 45 minutes from where I live. So, in an effort to redeem the mess that my birthday was, they took me out for a day on the town!

(My cousins Josh, Brianna and me enjoying SF)

It was so refreshing to have sushi and to walk all over the city with my amazing family that I had really not even gotten to get to know until that day! Honestly, I wish I could do it all over again! That day, I experienced a lot of food freedom that I didn’t have before and was even able to do a nice long hike with them!

Then, at the end of the hike, my body acted up once again! All the sitting from traveling and the hiking up and down hills had taken it’s toll on me. Just prior to my visit out there, I had began to go to a place called the joint chiropractor in Pinole. After my cousins dropped me off at home, I rested for the evening. The next day, I tried to go for a walk and my body locked up on me. I quickly went to the chiropractor and they helped me figure out a way to help me recover. There I was again.. at ground zero, about to start summer classes and in pain. On top of it, as loving as the majority of my family was at the memorial, the whole visit caused a severe psychological set back. My being in the same area where a lot of the traumatization happened with my dad just really messed with my head! At the same time, I tried to hold onto any sign of hope that I possibly could which meant facing summer classes regardless of how I felt!

For now, I will have to leave off here! What I will say is that to give you an idea of what I’ve had to face in the healing process, it’s not just that I’ve had to go from practitioner to practitioner to practitioner, but if you all understand the fact that I’ve been traumatized by abuse repeatedly throughout the course of my life… to have to face different health practitioners who are supposed to help me only to have my health go down the toilet once again has been, to me, emotionally like being abused repeatedly. While I’m 100% sure that they all mean well and are doing the best they can by me (for which I’m eternally grateful)… Different hands touching my body, sometimes in places that aren’t quite comfortable in order to get the healing process to go through and being told by each practitioner that I will most definitely will be able to run and race again only to be left time and time again struggling to walk, crying out to God for help… I’ve just come to my wits end with the whole situation. Again, I’m at Ground Zero trying to figure out just what to do. Also, if I can be brutally honest with you all, throughout the semester even though I was doing things that I like to do, I was completely miserable! So much so that there were even times that I nearly checked myself into a mental hospital. The pressure, the pain, the trauma, emotionally and physically I just had enough! It’s only by the grace of God that I didn’t check in and that I am where I’m at today! Do know that whatever you’re facing, that God is with you! If you ever need help, don’t be afraid to reach out! I’m so grateful for my counselor and my mother that have been there throughout this time. Without them, I don’t think I’d be alive today. Until next post.. God bless and stay strong!

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One journey ends and another begins. My story continues in part 14

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Hello all! I’m sorry for the long break! For some reason, I’m finding it harder and harder to mentally pull myself back into my journey in order to get the events and timing In the correct order. AnyWho, I left off in my last post where I was barely able to walk, a loved one of mine had just passed away, I started seeing a counselor who helped me focus on Christ and His hope, and after speaking with my neighbor… I decided to focus my energy in getting signed up for classes at Contra Costa College. Now, I’ll continue where I left off! Fare warning before I begin… if you are someone who gets triggered by talking about food, over exercise, calories, weight, etc. I HIGHLY recommend that you do not proceed as I will be discussing some pretty detailed areas of my eating disorder in this blog post!!!

My Journey Part 14

Christ’s hope is the one thing that shines brightest in dark times! I found that to be true during so many dark periods of my life. As I got things in order to sign up for classes, my neighbor gave me a laptop and Internet access so that I would be able to get enrollment and School work done! What a sweetheart! Finally, everything was in place, and I was set to start school in Spring 2015 with an aim to get my degree in Liberal Arts: Math and Science with an emphasis on kinesiology. Yeah, barely able to walk and I wanted to be an exercise science major! My long-term goal was to obtain my bachelors of science at Cal State East Bay in their wellness program that includes nutrition and kinesiology, then transfer to UC Berkeley to obtain my masters and, eventually, my PhD in psychology. My purpose in getting these degrees was so that I could help people who have been abused and those who have been forced into sex/ human trafficking regain their strength psychologically, physically and nutritionally while including biblical foundations for them to build their platform from. As everything was ready for me to go, there was still the waiting period before I started classes. The months before school included Thanksgiving and Christmas, and they were some of the hardest holidays I have ever had to face! For Thanksgiving, I was housesitting and came home to enjoy dinner with my family and godmother. There I was, in so much pain! I sat there and tried so hard enjoy dinner with my family, but all I could think about was that my godmother got to race that morning and I was trapped like a prisoner pacing back-and-forth in my apartment and in the house that I was housesitting at the time. It was the only way that I could get any form of physical exercise without my body completely acting up on me. I missed the race field, I missed the people, the energy, the food, the social life connected to it all. I felt like a huge part of me died! It was like a part of my family had been ripped away! That’s something I still mourn to this day! On the up side, I used the time of pacing as my declaration time where I would memorize scripture and declare the promises of God over my life.

Anyhow, Still terrified to really eat anything solid, all I allowed myself to eat that day was a mountain of steamed vegetables, some turkey, and some fat free- sugar free pumpkin flan. The eating disorder was taking over my life at this point. I began this ritual of eating two apples for breakfast with two egg whites or half cup of nonfat cottage cheese. I would have snack of non-fat, sugar free Greek yogurt. Lunch would usually consist of just veggies and egg whites or a can of sardines. Sometimes I would have an occasional piece of turkey or some tuna or other fish. Dinner would usually be the same. I began stuffing myself with mini bell peppers and veggies until I would nearly pop. It’s as if I was panicked that I wouldn’t see another meal, I would just eat until I couldn’t eat anymore. At the same time, I still wasn’t getting enough calories in. The only source of healthy fats that I would take in were from the sardines that I would eat every other day.

As Christmas time rolled around, I prepared to do my first acting performance at Hilltop Community Church for their Christmas production! In this, I played a black Friday shopper! Being involved in this production was a total emotional lifesaver for me! The rehearsals, the performances, they were all moments of escape for me from my daily life and the struggles I faced. Meanwhile, I got to be a blessing to the community by helping to spread the story of Jesus Christ.

I mean… think about it, every day was a struggle! Having hard time walking, barely able to afford to feed myself, going to the $.99 store to stock up on the only things I could really afford and was willing to eat which were veggies, egg whites and sardines, stuffing myself into an oblivion every time we had food because I wasn’t sure if we were going to have enough, I was an emotional wreck!

Finally, once the emotional roller coaster of the holidays was over and the show had finished, I started to see a physical therapist and the switch from chiropractic to new therapy placed me in a position where I was in bed for three days and unable to walk. I iced as best as I could. I did as many stretches as I possibly could. I prayed, I cried out to God! I remember sitting down in chairs and standing up only to have my low back and sacrum literally pop right out of place… trying to walk in the parking lot of the grocery store or even through grocery store and my hip and groin area would lock up. I had to shuffle carefully everywhere I went! It was a nightmare! I continue to press on, and prayed my way through as I knew that classes were starting shortly.

The Sunday prior to my first day at school, I made sure I went to church despite the pain. I filled up on as much biblical truth as I possibly could by fellowshipping with my beloved purple book Bible study class and attending the Sunday service. That week, on January 12, 2015, I stepped onto the campus of Contra Costa College in faith. I shuffled my way through each appointment with EOPS and my counselor, shuffle from class to class, and finally made it successfully through my day! There I was, with a full 12 unit schedule that included Theatre Appreciation, Education For Healthful Living, Intermediate Algebra, and Beginning Fitness Center (so I could do core and balance work to regain my strength). I plowed myself right away into studies! This time, I was determined to not fail!

A few weeks into the semester, my theater teacher had caught wind from one of my former theatre professors that I was “one of the drama kids.” She quickly invited me to audition for the Spring show, “All in the Timing” which is a compilation of several short plays. Each actor would take on several different characters. At first, I was almost bitter that my professor would want to add more to my plate! I was already having a hard enough time walking around campus let alone getting my studies done through the chaos at home (my nephew was still dealing with temperamental issues and screamed A LOT). The thing is, I felt that art bug just tug and tug at my heart, so I took the dive! Thankfully, I was cast originally for 4 different characters and ended up doing 3 due to one of the plays being cut from the show. It’s amazing how God uses people to really help pull you into a direction that will help you find who you are created to be! Doing the production meant that I literally spent nearly every week day on campus from about 8:30 in the morning till almost 10 or 11 o’clock at night.

This time kept me focused on my studies, helped me get away from the chaos at home, and really helped me just heal emotionally giving me something good and hopeful to focus on! I continued to juggle classes, counseling appointments, doctor appointments, physical therapy, homework, family life and I still have no idea how in the world I managed to push through! Being a part of that production was such a blessing because it brought back several people who have become very much like family to me during some of the very darkest parts of my life! It also brought new people into that family! Just like running, there’s something about the performing arts that just really brings people together! It’s just so healing!

As the show was beginning to come to an end, the money that I had received from grants had run out, and as a college student, unless you’re working 20 hours a week, the government will not provide food stamps. So, I was facing some serious financial difficulties! Mom and I had no gas money and we barely had anything to eat. As a result, I started looking for work. The production went on, and it was such a wonderful show! I was so proud of all my fellow cast members and how well they had transitioned from character to character!

On top of it, I was exhilarated by having my acting skills challenged and built through my character transitions as well! What an exciting show!

One day, as I walked out on campus, I looked over at the school newspaper stand and… there I was!? Me? On the cover of the school newspaper? What a blessing! I was so humble yet excited at the same time!

The high from all the show excitement went down, spring break approached, and I began hard-core searching for a job! Finally, I landed a job at Kmart and I slowly started seeing my life come together! With hopes of getting promoted and working my way up to management, school going in a hopeful direction, progress in physical therapy to point where I was actually running on a treadmill at some points again, I was eating better well rounded meals again… hope helped me stay focused on moving forward and not the pain that tried to distract me from my school work each day. I’m talking pain when I stood up, pain when I sat down, pain when I walked, pain when I did anything. It was the hope that Christ placed my heart (and learning to take on campus naps lol) that helped me stay focused! Mind you, there were times I found myself crying in the bathroom during finals from the mental and emotional exhaustion mixed with the pain.

Finally the semester had come to an end. There had been a several week break between switching physical therapists and the stress from everything had taken its toll on my body. On top of it, I didn’t realize that my summer class was an early start, that meant I only had ONE week between the end of my spring semester and the beginning of my summer. I went to see my new physical therapist for the first time that week she informed me that she was going to have to completely take exercise from me for a while. Back in prison! The new diagnosis and form of therapy technique that she introduced landed me in bed for another three days. It’s as though every time my body had to adjust to a new way of healing, it would go into a bed ridden state. There I was, just finished with finals and all the craziness only to end up back where I started! I wept hysterically! Again… anorexia beckoned. I cried out to God and told him that I needed a sign to help me move forward! I needed to know I was going in the right direction!

The first day of my summer class, my mom dropped me off in front of the biology building and I carefully shuffle my way into the lab with a special foam roller for me to sit on, terrified of everyone and everything that I was about to face. Now, I was always told to never take a MATH class during the summer due to the amount of content that you have to cover in such a short period time. Little did I know, biology was just the same! Upon arriving, I was handed my course syllabus and was faced with a quiz every single day of the first week, three chapters of reading, our first of three major exams was after the first week and a half and a lab nearly every day! All of our labs had to be typed up! To add to the pressure, I was informed that the professor that I was working under was one of the hardest professors to get a passing grade from let alone an A. My gut sank, and I automatically felt like I was in prison! Finally, After several hours of class, we were released and I carefully walked down towards the transfer center where I checked my email and prepared to meet my mom. There, I received the greatest news and the sign that I had asked God for! Apparently, my grades from the previous semester had come in, and I had not only receive straight A’s, but I was also on the Dean’s list!!! I screamed out loud in the middle of the transfer center and began to cry! ME? The kid who could barely pass anything in elementary, middle and high school? The one who knew the “isolation table” in elementary school allll too well! The one who could barely walk during various points of the semester? The who was just trying to get their life back together? The one who had such a hard time focusing due to the pain that I was in half the time? I WAS ON THE DEAN’S LIST? That was totally by the grace of God! I took the energy and exhilaration from this and used it to help propel me through the rest of the summer semester.

Due to my courseload and pain issues during this time, I had to cut my workdays at Kmart to one day a week. Thankfully, I was asked to do a few housesits which gave me the ability to make money, some friendly critters to keep me company and quiet places for me to do my schoolwork!

Each day, I looked forward to seeing my classmates, two of whom I ended up being very close with as we formed a study group. I loved learning about the different ways that humans, plants, and animals are made! I loved learning about the ecosystems, photosynthesis and cellular respiration and so many more facets of basic biology!

To keep it short, my semester went like this… four days a week, I would go to school about 8 AM and class would be finished around 1 PM. Would usually take about a half hour to an hour break, then head straight back into the homework box to finish my labs, homework and study for any test, quizzes, and/ or exams that we had. One by one each quiz was tackled, each exam finished, each homework assignment completed, and each lab typed to near perfection!

(I found sooo much joy learning about basic biology)

A quarter of the way end of the semester, the computer that I was gifted fell off the bathroom counter and onto the floor. It was already having issues running and kept glitching but this made it worse! Thankfully, my grant money came in just before it actually crashed and I was able to get a tablet to finish the remainder of my coursework on. During the semester there were two field trips. The first one, I did get to attend, but it was also a very bittersweet moment for me. The location was at regional park that I spent countless hours training for races at. There I was, given walking sticks by my professor to help me along the journey, and I was about to walk into the very park that I used to spend hours upon hours pouring my heart out to God as I trained. Upon my arrival, I ran into somebody who used to see me running all the time. I was given a moment to briefly speak to her and then we headed as a class into the park as I swallowed back my tears. Halfway into the field trip, my professor decided to have me take the lead and show them around a bit. By the power of God I was able to help the class maneuver around on some of the trails, passed where at the Monarch butterflies hang around during butterfly season, and made our way back out to the parking lot. I felt alive again! In total, we covered about 4 miles of land! This is farther than I had walked in a long, long time! Afterward, as I went on to eat lunch with one of my lab partners and another class mate… The locking in my sacrum began again!

That week, I went and saw my physical therapist and we started from the ground up again which meant that I had to do an alternate project for the next field trip. My heart sank as my class went on to do an outdoor hike through some of the hills that I first started running in while I had to go to another location alone. Right around the same time, the same neighbor who helped me get signed up for classes allowed me to borrow a car that she had bought originally for her daughter. I went down to the other location given to me by my professor so I could do my sign meant. As I was gone observing various parts of the ecosystem and taking notes, someone broke into the car! I was mortified! Thankfully nothing was stolen, and I brought the car home and explained to my neighbor what it happened. I offered to pay for it, but by the grace of God, she refused. Wow… grace! As I continue through the semester, literally studying day and night, taking only Sundays off, I found moments of relief in the pool at one at my housesits. Finally, my body had allowed me to swim a bit here and there which was such a mental release considering all that I was dealing with! However, as the semester came to an end, the pressure from all the coursework and constant studying until nearly midnight some days along with family struggles (including the news that my sister was about to have ANOTHER baby) my body was beginning to show signs of having enough!

As the semester ended, I was relieved to have the work load lifted from my shoulders! I spent another three days in bed due to the pain that resulted from stress, and as I was carefully walking through target, I received an email from my professor letting me know that I had received one of four A’s in her class! Again, I was humbled by God’s grace and sovereign hand over my studies! I thanked her for all that she did, but then she reminded me that while she did teach me, I was the one who did the work! I then had to remind myself that it was God who gave me the grace, power, and determination to finish the work! So, another victory helped give me the strength and determination to just. keep. going!

Once again I find my post getting lengthy, so I will leave it here for now! I hope that those of you who have been reading my story are encouraged to continue pressing on no matter what you face! Know that God is with you, He sees what you need before you even need it. Never give up! Never lose hope! Until next time… GOD BE WITH YOU!

(Me with my nephew celebrating school victories! Despite the chaos, he and I have been like little buddies through it all!)

From race adventures to Shattered Dreams: Part 13 of my Journey

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Hey all! After a long break from blogging I’m back again! I guess now would be a good time to continue where I left off in my journey! Just a quick refresher, in part 12 of my journey I left off where I just received news that my godfather was slowly fading, I was finishing up a housesit while getting ready for a new one, and chaos at home was out of control! The reason why it’s taken me so long to post this portion is that the season I’m about to discuss is pretty heavy for me, meanwhile I have to be careful how I word everything in order to protect people that I love! That being said… I will continue with part 13 at my story.

My Journey Part 13

There are two places that I feel that I get to be myself the most. The first one is out in nature, running, hiking, training for and running races. I just feel so free! Second, is the one that I’ve known since I was a kid… the performing arts, when I’m acting, singing, dancing… honestly, if I would have a career of my choice it would definitely be as a professional actor! Now this next season that I was entering into was about to throw me full throttle into the race field while watching the very man that I called my God-dad… begin to fade, and soon pass.

During this time, I was also caring for my God Grammy and doing house sits. Weekdays, I would train early mornings and help out with God Grammy in the afternoons. Weekends, I started racing just about every weekend, sometimes multiple times in a weekend with my godmother! I’m going to keep the details here minimal because this time period is a sensitive season for both my God family and me. I need to honor their feelings and learn to be a little more guarded about my own.

While caring for my God Grammy just before my godfather passed, my godmother and I became nearly inseparable. It’s through her and her family that I was able to witness firsthand what a stable family life is like! During the most uncomfortable season of my godfather’s life, he was asked if he wanted me to leave and he responded with, “no, she makes it better!“ This statement was one of the most profoundly healing statements I’ve ever heard in my life! You see, the girl who was always told I wasn’t good enough, that I was an irritation, that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I was fat, that I was loud and annoying, the one that nobody liked, this… girl…. me? My heart will forever cherish the memory of that moment!

Upon the passing of my godfather, my life went even more out of control! While I did care for my God-grmmy from time to time, I wasn’t around her and my Godmother as much. Meanwhile, things with my sister began to go down-hill as well. She was trying so hard to get her life together. She was released to live in transitional home where the county was going to try to help her get back on her feet. The problem is, every time she tried to make a step forward, something got her way and set her back! I could see the hope begin to fade from her eyes! I could also see the presence of substance abuse returned her life. I told my mom what I suspected, she didn’t want to believe it at first, but as time went on it became more and more evident.

I continued to plow myself into training and racing! It was on the race course that I was given the name “scripture girl” Because I never race without one on my shirt! Everywhere I went, when people asked me why I ran, I told them the story of how God delivered me from drug addiction and gave me a new life! Each weekend held new racing adventures for me including my first ultra marathon called the Diablo Hills 50 K, during which I learned so many lessons! For more on the story behind this you can read the blog from that I wrote as a review of that race here: Diablo Hills 50k

Running was my passion, my ministry platform, my outlet… but little did I know… this season was fast fading. You see, with the chaos that surrounded me I became more and more restrictive with my eating patterns and dropped to a very low weight. While I was eating a lot, it wasn’t the right nutrients to keep me properly fueled and I believe it became more and more obvious to people around me. Meanwhile my visits to Dr. Runco became more and more often. I did everything I could to try to hold on to the one last bit of life I felt that I had left.

As my sister’s birthday approached, we went out to visit her and it was obvious that her situation had worsened! After we had eaten, I saw her coming down and passed the couch as my nephew walked up to me wanting to play. He was so exhausted, you could see the stress on his face… As my mom and I got ready to leave, little guy acted like he didn’t want my mom to go! He squeezed her and held onto her for dear life… as we drove away, I looked over at my mom and said “we’ve got to do something! There’s got to be a way to get him safe!“ As my mom and I discussed it we just didn’t know what to do. Soon, we found out that CPS had caught wind of my sister’s situation as it had worsened. In order to protect my sister, I do have to keep the details surrounding these issues quite as well! You see, she’s a very good mother when she’s on drugs. She’s a very good human in general when she’s not on drugs. She’s one of the most beautiful, caring, intelligent, talented and amazing young women I’ve ever had the pleasure of being around! I hate, and I don’t say this lightly… I HATE DRUGS AND WHAT THEY DO TO PEOPLE AND FAMILIES!

Now, in July, we found out that little dude would soon be coming to live with us! What a relief! By the grace of God, He was going to be safe! On July 10, 2014, just as I finished the 10k for the Brazen Racing 100th race anniversary, I saw my mom pushing him up in a stroller! I went and did another 3 mile loop to make sure I had my mileage for the next half marathon that I was doing, and… I felt a tug on the left side and what people have assumed repeatedly to be considered my sciatic nerve area! Whatever it was… I shook it off and did my best to hide it as I hobbled around and celebrated with everyone! I went and took pictures with my nephew and I was so excited to have him there getting to be a part of what I loved to do!

While I felt a part of me died since my sister was no longer clean and sober, I felt a sweet sense of love and admiration for a little boy would soon become a friend during one of the darkest periods of my life. We went off to celebrate, and then went home he enjoyed some family time together! As the tugging got worse, it was more more difficult to train up and down the hills in the area that I live in. Some days I would be able to go outside and run, others, I would attempt to, but my left side would get locked up! However, I chose keep pushing through! The half marathon I was training for came and I pushed through, however, again the tugging worsened! We got home, mom dropped me off that with little guy while she went to work, I went to pick him up and get him out of the high chair and… The tugging got even worse! I soon ended up taking a few weeks back from racing, and had to run back and forth in my apartment in order to be able to train on a flat surface and keep my mileage up for the next event I was hoping to run. During the days, I would stay home and watch little one when my mom went to work!

While home with him, I dealt with issues that I was not really ready to deal with!, You see, because he was flushing the drugs out of his system, he had a lot of temperamental issues. The tantrums were horrendous, and he would wake up, drenched in sweat after his naps. Since picking him up worsened my injury, I had a hard time comforting the poor kid, but through it all I found that we were healing together. Despite the tantrums, we found joy in our time together watching kids movies and playing together.

Right around the same time, my time caring for God Grammy had come to an end and she was transitioning into a new stage of care. She too was beginning to fade… and I had no control!

Finally, my injury seemed to be a bit better and I got the ok to run another event, so… off I went to

the Bear Creak half marathon!

There I was, thinking that all I had to do was one more half marathon after Bear Creek to complete the ultra half series, but little did I know that this would be my last race! Off and on prior to the race, the tugging got worse and my left hip begin to lock up. People kept telling me that I had sciatica, but what people don’t realize is that they aren’t doctors and that sciatica is just a SYMPTOM of a deeper issue, it’s not a proper diagnosis. This was DEFINITELY NOT SCIATICA!! Race day came, I got the medical OK to go ahead with it, and what an adventure!!! Every hill, every twist and turn, every view was just so breathtaking! Toward the end, the tug started again! Then, their came a drop that I didn’t expect! Just as I thought the race was almost over, there was a staircase that took me quickly down then back up and then… to FINISH!!!

I quickly went off to ice my injury and celebrate with the family. I kept quiet the whole time about how bad the issue was… as I was half hobbling around.

When my family returned home, mom went off to work and I was there at home with little guy… again… I went to pick him up, and the tug was horrific this time!

That week, I went to Dr. Runco and he could see that I was pretty bad. I continued to fight while not able run outside without having my left sacral area lock up. I continued to run back-and-forth in my apartment to keep my cardio up. I took baby steps and tried to keep proper form and found myself being able to finally run a few miles here and there outside but it definitely was a battle. I had to cancel race plans knowing my body just wasn’t up for it. Finally, my body had had enough. I went for a 4 mile run at Fernandez park and in the last mile as I headed toward the bridge… my left side locked up again. I took shorter strides and pushed myself through so I could get to the car, ice and stretch in hopes that it would go away. I quickly tried to shut off the worry of the pain that I felt and refocused my mind on the events of the evening at Hilltop Community Church. We were having a harvest day carnival and a very accomplished magician that grew up attending our church was scheduled to perform! I went in and did my volunteer work for the event, then quickly headed off to see the show! In pain, full of uncertainty… this was just what I needed! Afterward, I was blessed to be able to meet and speak with him. I felt like a total idiot! There was, talking to him about running ultramarathons, and little did he know… I could barely walk!

Then… it was off to face reality once more.

The next day, I went to try to walk at Fernandez park and on the way back, my sacral area locked up again. In pain… I panicked! Barely able to walk and it was my fault!! I’d pushed myself to run and race even though I felt my body begin to tell me no. I asked my mom to take me to the ER and they advised me to quit going to Dr. Runco (worst decision ever) and consult my doctor about getting physical therapy. Thankfully, I was just granted medi-cal, so… I started on my new journey to seek help.

There I was… racing dreams shattered, family life a mess, chaos around… it took me every bit of strength to just wake up and face each day… each. And.

Every. Day. I fought! I prayed, I paced back and forth in my apartment, read the word of God, unable to walk around my neighborhood without my left side locking up, taking care of a child that was recovering from his own trials and unable to lift and hold him without being in pain, feeling hopeless and like a trapped rat… thankfully my mom tried to take me out to the grocery store where I would shuffle around the isles frantically counting my steps as if they were something I could hold onto. Then the eating disorder soon got worse. I found refuge in escaping to a peaceful housesit for a few days, then it was back home to the chaos and struggle.

Soon, I received yet another call that I prayed to God I wouldn’t get… God-Grammy had passed! My mom let me use her car to go feed God-grammy’s kitties, and upon my arrival to her house… I fell apart! I shuffled my way up to where the kitties ate, and I wept as I fed them. I went back to the car, turned the key and started crying hysterically! I felt like such a fool for selfishly pursuing my running dreams while my family and I struggled to survive. I was an adult, living off my mom and my EBT food card (I promised myself that I would do everything I could to not ever end up on welfare) barely able to walk, battling the loss of my Godfather to cancer, my God-Grammy just passed, and my sister was back on drugs… I was a total mess! I cried out to God and told him that I didn’t want to take my life, but I needed Him to give me something to hope for! Immediately, I felt prompted to call a counselor and she almost automatically took my case!

Soon, I pressed on through doctor appointments (where my doctor pointed out my low weight), counseling appointments, and my God-grammy’s funeral. Also, after speaking to a neighbor, I began to get myself signed up to take classes at Contra Costa College. It felt like I was actually going in a good direction… hopes of making a better life for my family and dreams of receiving my degrees so I could build a ministry… life was starting to look brighter!

Well, I really need to leave off at this point! I apologize for the incredibly long post! One thing I do want to say before I go is that during my darkest times, when I was stuck in the apartment, alone, or when my nephew was taking a nap, times when I couldn’t hold him because of the pain, when paced back-and-forth in the apartment, I memorized scripture and made declarations of God‘s promises over my life! These are practices that I’ve continued to do even today! You see, I was continuing to try to train for California international Marathon this year to raise funds for an organization that helps women who have been abused and trafficked… however, I’ve hit a speedbump in the healing process which has left me at a point of feeling semi-debilitated again and without the means to get the help that I need. To have my freedom, the ability to walk and run all over the place given to me and then ripped away so quickly has been a nightmare! At the same time, I have to look back at all that God has brought me through. I know that whether or not I pull out of this, God is working, and He has great plans for me! Romans 8:28 is definitely speaking to me:“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

Romans 8:28 NKJV

http://bible.com/114/rom.8.28.nkjv So… whatever you’re going through, hold on to God‘s word, and He will help see you through! Darkness can only last for a moment, God will bring forth new light and new hope!

Let The Races Begin: Part 12 of My Journey and Stovetop Baked Oats!

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Healing, it comes in many forms. For some, it’s a healing touch, comforting word, expressions of art or even a time of getting away from it all to clear one’s head. For others, such as myself, it’s not that easy. I’ve had to learn to heal as I go from one stressful and traumatizing situation to the next. I’m sure you all wonder if I’ve ever wanted my life to be any different. Of course I have! At the same time, more recently, I have learned that these trials are what have made me into who I am today. Without the stress, without the trauma, without the chaos, without everything that has happened in my life to bring me pain and to tear me down, I would not be nearly as strong as I am let alone have the knowledge and understanding of who God is in my life as I am and do today. No, I’m not saying that I’m in anyway shape or form perfect. I have SO far to go; however, I’m starting to see maturity birth in me as I have been more and more willing to except my circumstances, do what I can do to change them, press into God, find His strength through it all, and stop wishing my life was any different. My life is an example of how touch can cause pain instead of healing, words can tear one down to a point of feeling complete self worthlessness, and how the various forms of art that you use to heal can be torn down by others making you feel like you have no right to enjoy those things. The abuse that I suffered growing up physically, verbally, and the like along with being ridiculed and bullied as a child for liking to sing, act and dance… brought me pain in ways I can’t even begin to express. I guess you can kind of laugh with me and just call me the female version of the “Diary of Wimpy Kid.” What’s great about this is that it’s usually the wimpy kid to end up rising above by the power of God and changing the world for the better! I can only hope that my life has a powerful impact on at least a few people that I encounter during this brief moment in eternity. The main lesson I can learn from all of this is that when everything in life turns to pain, when every dream I have seems to just crumble and fall, there is one and only ONE source that I can rely on and that is Christ Himself.

Now, I left off in my journey last time where I had just had to leave my job due to lack of transportation and a severe injury. It was now time for God to strip away every bit of pride, selfishness, bitterness, everything that was not Him, and begin to build new strengths and characteristics I never thought I would ever have. Here goes with part 12 of my journey.

My Journey Part 12

So, there I was, jobless, fighting to regain my strength, and not sure of what the next day was going to hold. Each day, I forced myself to get up, get out of bed, pray and read the word, and yes … rebuild my ability to run again. One thing I witnessed during the season is God‘s providence! He always knows what we need when we need it! You see, just before leaving the grocery store, I had received a call from someone I did routine housesits for. She asked me to watch her home while she was out of town for a little over a week and then do another one for nearly a month right around Christmas. The second housesit for her would become the longest one I had ever done for anyone! The problem with this is, I would have to request time off right around Thanksgiving in order to do so because doing the job would require my not being away from the home for more than four hours at a time. I trusted God and excepted the job right away! After all, this woman had become very dear to me and so were her critters. I really didn’t want to see anyone else that she didn’t know he put in charge seeing is that she trusted me. Wow… this woman… a judge… trusted ME?! An ex drug addict… me? Yes! Truly God CAN redeem all things! Now, upon my leaving the job at the grocery store, it turned out I definitely had time to make sure that I was there for that entire housesit instead of having someone else take care of it. The first and shorter one was so refreshing! I spent most my time running and relaxing with the pup. Then I returned home and it was back to regular life where everything was a struggle. In the middle of it, my little sister reached out and helped mom and me. My sister… someone who had a kid of her own and barely had enough to take care of her self was helping us! I felt so awful! I felt like somehow I failed her! At the same time it was help… A few weeks passed and I was off to enter my next and longest housesit. This one took place over the Christmas season. Though I was very alone during this season, it was much needed time away from the craziness of life.

December 14, 2013 I FINALLY got to race again! I went to an event called “the Dam jingle bells” race hosted by a local family that has held a very special place in my heart! The feelings of being out on the race track again were incredible!

The energy of the people, the excitement of walking up to the start line, the quick push of my foot as I took the first step racing towards the finish, each moment of that beautiful course with views of the water as the clean crisp air filled my lungs all while adrenaline rushed through me like a wild fire… My spirit sang and soared! I was doing exactly what I was born to do! By the grace of God, I crossed the finish line and came in 1st in my age group! Fast… still… even though I hadn’t been racing for a while, God’s grace was on me!

On Christmas Day I went off with my mom, sister and nephew to enjoy one of my most treasured races! It was a gold rush five miler held in the Richmond hilltop area. When I arrived, I saw Big Al who automatically greeted me with a hug and a smile! I had called my godmother a few days prior and she said that she would be there, but come race day she was nowhere to be found! An anxiousness grew in my spirit. SOMETHING was off! I tried calling her a couple times, but there was no answer. I left a few messages, and prayed that she was OK. Meanwhile, the race had to go on! I stepped up to the start line, Big Al did countdown and… OFFFFFF I flew! Every step was such a blessing! The wind flowing through my hair, the pavement under my feet, my heart racing as I flew around each corner and up each hill all the way to the finish line to come in first place Female!!!! My first Christmas with my new nephew, and he got to see me finish what I love to do the most! “CONGRATULATIONS!!!” said Al! “You won!!!” “But my competition wasn’t here,” I said (meaning my godmother and a woman named Erica). “You STILL won!!!” He said! Then he continued to remark on how fast I came in for the 5 miles! It felt good, but at the same time everything just felt off without my godmother and godfather there.

Shortly after his congratulating me, Al took me aside, sat me down in his car and explained his concern to me about how I was doing. He was concerned that I left my job at the grocery store. He was just worried about me as a whole. I explained to him everything that had happened with my dad and the grocery store, and he encouraged me, like a dad, to find a way to pick up the pieces of my life and put it back together before it was too late! “get back into school,” He said, “ get another job, just don’t give up!” Those words, as encouraging as they were meant to be were better sweet to my ears! I didn’t want to do anything else but run! I was so tired of doing what everybody else wanted me to that I just felt like I needed a break from pushing myself. And looking back, I can see that his words were probably the wisest words I could’ve heard at that time. I’ll forever cherish that man and the impact that had on my life!

After the race, I went back to spend some time at the housesit with the dog, then it was out to my house to open presents and enjoy Christmas dinner with my family and a neighbor.

Just as I was sitting down for dinner, I received a call… it was my godmother. She explained to me that my godfather was in the hospital and that it would be best if I saw him as soon as possible. I knew that he had cancer, but I didn’t know how bad it was. For some reason, I didn’t realize how bad it was! I also knew that this call was serious because she had never asked me to see in the hospital before. Though we were close, she never called me unless it was important. That’s something I’ve always respected about her. I informed my mom about the situation, and we all dropped everything and went out to see them!

Upon arriving at the hospital, my godmother officially adopted me as her goddaughter. She told the staff that I was family and from that day on I have been called her goddaughter. For me, this is an honor I will cherish for the rest of my life. When I saw my godfather, they were preparing him to get to an actual hospital room. As I talked to him, he started talking running and told me my godmother was in her peak season for racing! Hahaha it was adorable how even in one of his most painful moments, all he could think about was my godmother and how much he admired her ability to run! I held his hand and talked to him a bit, and the walked out into the waiting room to spend some time with my God Grammy while my godmother and godfather got prepared to get him into a room. Once they had him settled in, my family and I went up to see him. We tried to talk as best as possible, but as it got late, we had to leave. Wow… the man who introduced me to my best friend and godmother, the man who watched over me at races, who would sacrifice his personal food preferences so that I could enjoy allergen free meals with them, who told wonderful stories of planes and cars and of his childhood, the man who cheered me on and coached me on my stride during races… the man who was like a father to me…. was dying! I didn’t know how to fully process it, so I stuffed my feelings in the back of my mind until I later found a moment alone to cry. I then went and said good night to my godmother and God Grammy, and I headed back to the house to get some rest.

The next few days and began to wind down and get ready to leave that housesit. I also beganto pray to the Lord because I didn’t know what I was going to do next about finances, and I really didn’t want to go home yet. Just two days before that job ended, I received a knock at the door. It was my dear friend and old landlord that had me caring for her husband before he passed! Apparently, her and her family were going on vacation and needed me to watch their property while they were away. The job would start immediately after I left the house sit that I was already doing! God heard my prayer! So… I gladly excepted knowing that God truly had my future in His hands!

Now, I’m going to leave off here for this week! BEFORE I go though, I’m going to give a recipe for simple stove top baked oats that I recently came up with! This is super simple and incredibly tasty. Also, since mother’s Day is tomorrow, it might be something you could make for mom for breakfast!

Stovetop baked oats

Oats

-1/2 plus 1 tsp rolled oats

-1 pinch baking soda

-1 pinch baking powder

-1/2 plus 1 tbsp unsweetened vanilla almond milk OR water

-1/4 tbsp olive oil

Topping

-1/2 individual container Oikos triple zero vanilla yogurt

-1/2 Apple

-1/2 cup blueberries

Directions

Put oats, water/milk, baking soda, and baking powder into a blender and blend until smooth. Put Oil into a mini egg frying pan that has a lid I’ll put the link for the one that I have right here. Cook with lid on, on medium temp until baked all the way through. Flip the pan over to release oats onto a plate, top with the yogurt and fruit and serve!

In closing, I just want to say that I hope you all have a wonderful Mother’s Day! Here’s to my mom who has been one of the greatest blessings in my life and who stood by me when most people wouldn’t dare be there for me! She’s my best friend, my rock, my everything!!!

The Moment I grew an Emotional Back Bone: Part 10 of My Journey

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Hey all, it’s been a crazy couple of weeks here! Just being real, I’ve been in state of morning for about a week now. Last week on my way out for the day, I received a phone call informing me that someone that was an incredible mentor of mine had passed away about a month ago. Out of respect for his wishes, not many people were informed right away. Also, out of respect for his wishes and his family‘s wishes, I’m choosing to refrain from saying who this is. I will say though that he had a profoundly positive impact on my life. There are many positive avenues I never would have taken had it not been for this man. He stood by me and told me to grab my boot straps and keep pressing on during some of the most devastating seasons in my life. I’ve been so shaken from the news combined with the craziness of my current circumstances that I literally couldn’t think straight for a few days. My eating patterns were out of control, and PTSD hit hard. I’ve done everything I can to continue to nourish myself, so those of you worried that I’m getting back into ED (eating disorder/ anorexia) patterns, know that it’s really not the case. I’ve just become very scattered and messy again. I can’t stand being messy and feeling dirty. Just feels like I’ve been dragged through the mud and back. Again, I’m sparing you all the details right now and continuing to pray and seek God for His wisdom and direction in how to make it through this.

when I left off in my journey last week, I was getting ready to run the San Francisco Marathon. I was so excited that my dad had promised to be there at the finish line! In my minds eye, I saw us having a victory meal with my Godmother. At the same time, I’d gotten injured again, this time at the coffee house. My dad was repeatedly calling me with horrible phone calls about the chaos going on in his home and repeatedly dumping a bunch of his garbage and drama on me like I was his counselor. Yes, as his daughter, I tried to be there and listen as best as I could. The problem is, he never wanted to hear about my life. All he wanted to talk about was himself and all the things he used to have and how horrible his life was at that time. I would listen for hours to him talking bitterly about my family. Every now and then I got the opportunity to share just a little bit about myself, then the conversation got redirected back to him. Now… on to part 10 of my journey.

Part 10 of my Journey

Marathon day! There’s so much energy and excitement around the approach of such an amazing event!

(Me with my beloved god-family)

This event was bittersweet for me. It was sweet because I got to run it with my godmother. Bitter because as the clock ticked down and marathon day came… dad was a no-show. From that point on after that he would Call me when he was stressed out, or come out to see me when he needed to get away and needed me to be there for him. All that kept going through my mind was “what about you being there for me?”… I Started seeing Dr. Runco again, and begged God daily for my health to come back. Meanwhile, still stuffing my head full of new age. I do the meditated on myself and all my dreams like a total narcissist!

My family management Business picked up so much in fact that I was working off and on from 4 AM until almost 10pm on some days. Still training for random races, and constantly on the go.

(Me next to the Honda Fit after a race victory)

I started going back to the doctor in El Cerrito because I felt guilty that Dr. Runco was helping me pro bono at the time (this is no longer the case which makes me feel a lot better). I spent more money on doctor visits and grabbing food to go being that I lived nowhere near where I worked, so the financial struggles raged. And, yet another wave… I received news that my sister was going to have a baby! I completely freaked out! I knew something was up, my mom had been awkwardly silent for over a week. If anyone knows my mom, they know that when she’s holding something in, she’s like a little volcano just waiting to irrupt!

As Thanksgiving drew near, my heart was so cold toward my sister. My mom wanted to spend turkey day with her, however, this meant not getting to have thanksgiving with a very good friend of mine. It’s amazing how God works though! I surrendered my plans, ran the turkey trot that Thanksgiving in Pinole and went back home to help mom prep dinner to bring to Refugio Park being that we still were not to have my sister at our house. As a matter of fact, she didn’t even know where we lived. This began a process of miraculous heart change in me.

As we sat there and ate, I looked across the table, and all I could think is “my baby sister is going to have a baby… Lord, we need a miracle!” After dinner we walked around the park, and for the first time in a long time I enjoyed being in my sister’s company. God was totally melting my heart. As Christmas drew near, I continued to push myself to train, still battled with injury, continued to overwork myself between family management, housesitting and pet sits… All while diving deeper into New Age, meditation, and focusing on being successful. I was a “spiritual” Christian. Sure… I really needed to check myself!

Christmas approached, the decision was made to invite my dad to Christmas dinner. This was to be set up just like Thanksgiving day, being that my sister still was not allowed to know where we lived and my mom requested that my dad never know where we live. Apparently, we didn’t think to check the weather report. It was pouring outside! As he sat in the park in our cars and waited for my dad to show up, I received a call from him asking where we were. Apparently he was right up the street from my house And needed to know exactly which one it was. Ummm what? I had told him we were having dinner in the park. Also, I NEVER told him where we lived. The closest place he’d ever been was the dead fish. I shrugged it off and gave him directions to the park. He pulled up next to me and was seriously angry… again! Completely outraged he drove off saying he needed to go to the bathroom as we sat in the rain and waited.

Yet, another long story cut short he agreed to come back we ate dinner then, agreed to go to a Denny’s so we could dry off and warm-up. We all sat around the table, And I was so excited to finally just have some peace and family time… However, as we were talking he showed me on his iPhone that he had known what I was on numerous occasions. He proceeded to tell me that he’d known where was when I was living in San Diego Long before we’ve ever reunited. My gut sank. This only confirmed what he told me on my birthday.

Late that night we all parted ways. Life went on.. And the new year came. While on a casual fun jog with my friend Katrina, we exchanged belated Christmas gifts. She gave me the book “Quantum Faith” and a book that set my course back on Christ’s track called “shadow boxing.” The Lord quickly showed me that the meditation I was doing in the morning was not from Him. He continued to reveal to me that I was on a spiritual down spiral, and because of that my life was I’m down spiral. I started feeling more and more tension in the air. I received calls on numerous occasions from my dad who was incredibly stressed out from work (helping my Aunt V deliver Mercedes Benz to various customers) and my aunt not paying him. That along with all the things that he was dealing with that home. Apparently, there was a lot of family drama at my grandmother’s house… But what was I supposed to do? I tried to be compassionate and listen, however how could I when he Didn’t even take a second thought to what I might be going through!!! It was always all about him and what he needed and how hard his life was! Then, he kept complaining that he couldn’t pay my cell phone bill and he couldn’t cover car payment. It was a constant Back-and-forth with the car. A constant tug of war. I felt bad for taking the car in the first place especially after finding that he couldn’t afford it. Then, chaos hit in my family management business, and after seeking out spiritual counsel from a leader at my church I was advised to step back from it. Out of faith, I stepped back and not even two weeks, later I received a phone call from my dad. He needed to “borrow” the car so that he could sleep in it because things at home had gotten really bad. Apparently my aunt V had serious drug issues that wreaked havoc on the house hold. I was still working and needed the car to drive from family to family at least until the end of that month. So, I asked him if he could kindly wait at least another week or two to let me finish work. This made him mad, and he insisted that I leave the car at an agreed location with the keys under the floor mat.

After I agreed, he kept changing days for me to leave the car, and I asked him to wait…. Finally, I was finished with work anyway…. I was also fed up with back-and-forth calls about the car. I took the car to the dealership and tried to return it to them. They wouldn’t take the car because I wasn’t the one who bought it. I called him and he asked to talk to them. I put them on speakerphone, and he thought I just handed the phone to the guy. He then told them I was his daughter and I took/ stole his car and wouldn’t give it back! They wouldn’t take it, Drama,drama,drama!!!

At this point I just wanted to be done with it! As a result of the car drama, I ended up calling the police because he was calling and harassing me. During two of the phone calls he had the nerve to say we couldn’t have a relationship because people were accusing him of what he had done to me as a child…. I stopped him right there! I told him he was not going to make me feel bad for what he did to me! it was his choice to hurt me and he was not going to make me feel like it was my fault! I remember being outraged and screaming at him …telling him he had the opportunity have a second chance. I went on to say that I forgave (and still forgive) him however he had to make the choice to forgive himself, and he wasn’t allowed to manipulate me into pretending like it didn’t happen so he could have peace at home. This whole situation sent me into an emotional whirlwind! Apparently he was on speaker phone and my grandma heard all of this! What a mess! I felt as if my entire childhood had happened all over again!!! Here I was… Mentally and emotionally raped…. repeatedly… it was all my fault… my dad was going to make sure my family hated me because of what HE had done! (Deep breath… just. Stop. Just. Breathe)

I made sure I gave him the car just as he requested by leaving it across the street from The Dead Fish restaurant with the keys under the floor-mat. Then, he sent me an email saying how sorry he was and he wanted to give me my car back. I followed the advice given to me by a brother in the Lord who is a law enforcement officer… It was time to stop the harassment, manipulation, stocking, and mental abuse! It was time for me to grow a backbone. It was time to stand up for myself once and for all! I started the process of getting a restraining order and once in place, I was no longer able to call my grandmother being that he lived there. I wept for days. There were even times when I was so mentally distraught that I bashed my own head into the wall repeatedly, crying hysterically. Out of work… Living in Crocket with no vehicle, my family…. my grandma… taken from me. I’d like to say that I got right back up, dusted the dirt off my shoes and acted like I could do anything and just moved forward with courage and the power of God… After all, at this point I was in the word a lot more. I had returned fully to the Lord, and turned my ways from all the New Age and all the meditation…. But I was broken, wounded, devastated! I remember bashing my head against the wall and weeping asking God “WHYYYYY?” however, God showed me that for the first time in my life I had finally stood up to the first person to ever victimized me. I went right into the enemy’s camp and declared “I’m NEVER going to take this from ANYONE again!” Instead of the court system not hearing my testimony, this time I got to stand up and say what had been done. No longer was I going and heard!

Funny, the lyrics to the song “I’m coming home” (my Greyhound benchmark song) go through my mind this time. All my life I wanted to know my dad. As I grew older I kept wanting to heal the wounds….so, like the song says”be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all, and then some you don’t want.” Yeppp! I got just that!

While still in the paperwork/ court process of getting the restraining order, a ray of hope shown… My sister made the decision to get into a program! This was a long process, yet it finally happened! I stood by my word to be there by her side every step of the way. Meanwhile, I was invited by a friend to start selling some healthcare products. New business along with the rebuilding of family. Hmmmm finally some real hope!

My sister and I began to build a relationship… A real relationship… “Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of you heart.” Psalm 37:4 . Then, a phone call came late one night. It was my sister, and she was in labor!! My old attitude flared up like i had a right to tell God that it was too late at night to be going to the hospital! Then, I heart checked. This was the moment I’d waited for since my sister was little… the momen I could be there when she needed me the most! I wasn’t going to miss this! Mom and I raced to the hospital in Martinez where my sister was in labor. I tried to catch some z’s in the chair next to her which ended up being only slightly successful. Then, drama… the little guy’s heart beat was struggling, so they had to do a cesarian. May 10, 2013 (just two days before Mother’s Day) My beautiful nephew and light of my life was born!

I’ve never seen my mom so tired yet smiling so big! All of the trials, chasing my sister, trying to rescue her, the prayers, the tears came to this one brilliant moment, in one beautiful baby boy! That  same day, I started the process of getting my nutritional care business started. There’s always blessings in the storm! That baby boy, my little miracle nephew is a God send to our family!

My heart continues to melt like butter for my sister and that precious baby… Boo Bear and Little Dude… I never dreamed this could be possible. Yet, with Christ… You know it goes!… Thus, a new chapter full of hope began to unfold! It seemed as though I was going to have it all, as you all well know, that isn’t always the case.

Right here is another good stopping point. Thankfully, one of the heaviest parts of my journey has now been exposed. Again, I don’t write this for pity. If anything, I want you to see God‘s strength in me! My life is no worse or better than anyone else’s. One thing I will say though is that I don’t think I could’ve made it one single day without the presence of God in my life! For that, I’m eternally grateful! Until next time, God bless, thank you for joining me in this journey, take care, and please do let me know if there’s anyway I can pray for any of you!

Valentines Day and Part 7 of My Journey… the Tornado Spins

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Yay.. valentine’s Day is tomorrow! I’ll be honest, it’s been kind of hard for me to face this holiday. I think I’ve just come to point where like many other people, I do feel that I too want my happily ever after. That being said, I’m trying my best not to hang around sulking and wishing that I had some amazing day all set up with a special someone. I’ve been single for quite some time now, and while there have been a couple of people that have sparked my interest… (those of you who know me personally know that I rarely ever crush so this is a miracle for me) I’m truly waiting on God and letting Him show me what He wants me to do with my life and who He wants me to spend it with. As for life as it is currently, I’m continuing to remain very vague on this topic. I’ll post in detail when victory shows itself. In the meantime, I’m facing my current trails with faith knowing that God has already won the battle.

Now, this next portion of my story is quite a bit heavy for me. To be quite frank, I’ve been avoiding writing this for the past few days. Why? Well, the season that I’m about to dive into and share with you all is season that was probably one of most trying times that I’ve ever dealt with. What’s crazy is, I never expected to go into this much detail, however I feel that sharing my story with you all will hopefully bring about some sort of reminder to you in your life that God will see you through no matter what you’re dealing with! This portion of my journey is written in what I’ll described as a tornado of words. This was the best way I could write it and I feel it best expresses what I was going through.

Before I start, I wanted to encourage you all to go to my friend Emily‘s blog and read her post on helping people during suffering. I was given the opportunity to speak on the podcast which is linked in this post and I would love for you all to be able to hear what the Lord placed on our hearts to share with you! Also, I encourage you to continue reading her blog as it is such a blessing and an inspiration to me and many others! ANYWHO… here goes!

Part 7 of My Journey

* trigger warning! If you are struggling with an eating disorder and are easily triggered, take caution because some of the pictures that I’m posting are of me at a pretty low weight and can be triggering*

Home, you never know how sweet that word really is until the very existence of that factor becomes an inconsistency in your life. For those of you who are just joining and reading my story, I encourage you to go back and start from part one of my journey. For those of you who have stuck along so far, thank you and I hope that you continue to join me.

I left off in my last post with my mom and I finally each finding separate places to live. I was set to move in with a woman for whom I was working, taking care of her home and critters while she worked out of town and came home on the weekends. Upon my arrival there, I got ready to start my fall classes. This time they were online at DVC. I continue to look for more paid work so that I could afford food and basic essentials outside of my rent expenses and actually found a job as a nanny picking up a little girl in Berkeley and taking her to school in Napa several times a week. In the crossover from my restaurant job to my new nanny job, I found myself missing a day of work at the restaurant and having to ask them to forgive me. I explained to them my situation and why I had not shown up. They graciously understood, and I served at that restaurant for the last few days that it was opened. It was so heartbreaking to see someone’s dreams shattered before my eyes. People who invested to build a restaurant that they loved so much to watch it completely sink. Meanwhile, my own life was falling apart and I was trying everything I could to pull it together.

As classes started, and I started my new job, family and life begin to get hectic! First off, the new nanny job promised me a certain weekly wage during my interview, however because it was not in writing they decided to change it to an hourly wage which completely affected my weekly income. Gullibly, I still signed on not realizing how much of a pay cut I was actually taking.

During my first two weeks of courses, issues with my troubled loved one arose. Finally, one evening as I was doing my algebra homework I received a phone call from her saying that she was stranded, and she felt she was ready to go to Teen Challenge. She was crying hysterically, terrified and riding a bus. I previously had promised her that the moment she was ready to get clean I would be right by her side. Holding true to my promise, I dropped everything I was doing, got in my car, called the number she called me from to find out it was the bus driver’s phone, and went to find her on the street that he last left her.

As I drove down Appian Way toward El Sobrante, I saw her walking fast with her head down and tears streaming down her face. I quickly pulled over, had her get the car. “thank you!“She said. “I made a promise to you, you’re serious about this right?!“ “YES!” She said.

Tears streaming down my face with gratitude to God, I drove off and decided to take her to a shelter for the evening so we could figure out and arrange a way for her to get to Teen Challenge the following day. I immediately called Pastor Port Wilburn who, from his own recovery bed told me to come over to his home and he would give me some ideas as far as resources and places that we could take her. On our way to his house, I was faced with a serious demon from my past. My loved one pulled a ball of white mess wrapped up in plastic out of her bra. I knew exactly what that was! It was meth! “I should probably get rid of this since were going to a shelter right?” She asked. “WHAT? Get that out of my car!” I screamed. She quickly threw it out the window, then pull the pipe out of her bra as well and said, “I should probably get rid of this too then right?” “Of course! I can’t believe you brought that with you!” I yelled! She then threw it out the window as well.

We arrived at Pastor Port’s house, and he was recovering from a serious surgery. Out of the kindness of his heart, despite his own trials, he gave me information regarding a couple of shelters in Richmond that could possibly help my her out. The first shelter, was packed and couldn’t take her. The second shelter, was the Bay Area Rescue Mission. By the grace of God despite the fact that she had already burned her bridges with them, they let her stay the evening. The problem is, the next day I found out that there was a paperwork process that she had to go through in order to get into the program at Teen Challenge. The delay lead to her getting antsy, and she headed back out to the streets to do her dirt. I was angry and quickly cut contact with her.

• Quick sidenote, the order of events with this gets really jumbled in my head because of the PTSD that I still suffer from due to these events. So, please bear with me.

About a week and a half later my mother called me to inform me that Teen Challenge was ready to start the process! Having a bad attitude at first, I grumbled my way through it. The next day we headed to Bakersfield. More than halfway there… OK by now it’s obvious that my troubled loved one is my sister, so I’m going to be real here! My sister began to freak out, we had to call the highway patrol to help us get her under control and we were forced to turn right back around and go all the way home. My heart grew cold, and I told her I would not help her until she was absolutely serious again.

Soon, with stresses that built up over time, I was completely unable focus on school, and dropped my classes… Pressure came in, with body in pain and the nanny job (which required a lot of driving) while still barely making ends meet…. I started driving, selfishly into training. It was no longer for the Kingdom nor as an example of a transformed life. It was a place of refuge when, instead, I should have sought God first to be my refuge.

Then, A glimmer of what I thought was hope appeared! The kitty lady and I talked about the possibility of my becoming a personal trainer, and I agreed to clean the mold out of the walls of her bathroom, in exchange for her paying for my training course… Seeing that I found a gym that would agree to hire me. 24 hour fitness interviewed and agreed to hire me, and I was quickly signed up for the “training is fun” course. Meanwhile, the kitty lady was preparing to have her bathroom remodeled thus causing me to have to leave and stay with my mom off and on throughout the rest my time living there. I literally ran around looking like a hot mess from all the pressure I was under. Within one week of receiving my course packet, I was off to Fairfield to take my test which, thankfully, I passed with flying colors!

Training,  going back-and-forth from the kitty house to my moms house, taking a crash course in personal training, and starting a new job where I worked early mornings and had the stress of trying to gain new clients, plus getting ready to leave my nanny job, stressed with the worries of my sister, and…. Then…. I get the call. As I was finishing a training run with my friend Katrina, I received a phone call from my grandmother. My grandfather’s condition had worsened, and the cancer spread to his brain. Was this whirlwind going to end? Within a few days my mom and I packed up a few things and headed out to see my grandfather. Wow… With a quickness, he went from rosey-cheeked & smiling at the sight of me to, lying in bed shriveled up and almost lifeless. I wept and wept and wept! nooooo… After all these years! Why? I prayed and begged God to do a miracle!

Right in the middle of this, I started having to see a chiropractor for the first time in my life. Pain… every area of my life was just. so. painful!!! So much all at once!

I worked one of my final days as a nanny the following day, mom and I had to leave. Then, just after work the next day… My grandmother called, crying. Grandpa had passed. So, as I continued to train, in the back of my mind I kept thinking “I’ll do this for you grandpa! I’ll do this for you!” And the whirlwind kept going… Like they say “first comes the promise, then comes the hurricane! ” I continued to press on! I was emotional, broken, still going back-and-forth between the kitty house and my mom’s house, dealing with the stress of not getting clients at work, I felt like a failure. I decided to add more onto my plate and joined the church choir at Hilltop. Niiiice!!! It was as if I was trying to earn some merit or trying to get someone’s approval. Why all the stressing and striving to do all these things? When really, all God told me to do in the first place, was to love him, and to run the race physically and spiritually for Him. ?! I had lost my site. I was so self consumed and so busy trying to please the world around me that I had fallen out of the Word of God. My foundation was crumbling,  and so was my life!

Clock ticked down to race day, and I finished my final long run for California international Marathon. I completed it surprisingly fast. To my surprise, Sharlet (my Godmother) and Johnny (my Godfather) ware there!!!!! We were all exhilarated!  We actually thought there was a possibility I could qualify for the trials!

As the clock ticked down even further….  More back-and-forth between home, my moms house, and choir. The night before it was time to leave for the event, While staying in my mom’s apartment, my entire body was in pain. All through training for this marathon, I was fighting an internal battle with under eating. A few times my mom had actually prayed privately because of how skeletal I looked… The self-hatred, the stress, pushing through just to prove to who? I lost sight of God, I lost sight of the only  reason I even take a single step let alone a single breath!

Finally, the event came. We stayed it in a hotel (Complements of the kitty lady) I Met up with someone who gave me confirmation of what I believe (yes even today) to be what God has called me to do… run ultramarathons. I then went and ate my prerace dinner, and we headed to sleep so I could be up and ready to race. As I showed up at the start line… I was completely unprepared for how cold it was! I felt like I was swimming in a pool of freezing water my muscles couldn’t move!

As I push through my body hurt… I crossed the finish line limping, to see Sharlet and the family and Bob McNair (Brother in the Lord who helped me get the job at the restaurant and supported me through many dark times) waiting to congratulate me for at least finishing… Yeah… I didn’t even qualify for Boston at this one. I was SO focused on my failure that I missed the blessing of the very people that were there for me! Shortly after meeting them I was off to the medical tent, where I received ice, and talked to Bob on the phone about seeing another doctor (cue the amazing Dr. Runco). Then, ahhhh mom to the rescue with a huge glass of White chocolate nonfat milk from Starbucks!!!! Recovery! Aunt Cheri came along with her and we all walked through Sacramento  on a mission to find a steak house! Not finding anything by foot, we opted to get into the car and found a red lobster.

As we ate, Cheri looked at me with deep concern. My dear Aunt,  My main running inspiration. She asked me what was going on. Reluctantly, I let her know. Between her and my aunt Wendy…. All I can say, is I’m blessed to have such amazing aunts! We headed back to the parking lot of the hotel and soon parted ways… Then, it was back home to face the stress of a sinking job and again uncertainty in my living space. How could I go back home? I felt like such a fool telling everyone that I was trying to qualify for the Olympic trials only to come home broken and empty-handed.

As the end of the year came, my heart grew more and more cold. Stress at home, stress at work, trying to regain my health… Meanwhile, I kept hearing God in the back of my mind. He kept calling me to pick that project up that I left a year before. The fundraiser race I had held with Katrina while everything was originally shaking down. It was inspired by the events that transpired with my sister. I tucked in the back my mind again and just drudged through life.

As things continued to go downhill at 24 hour I met a friend, who originally asked me out for a coffee date, however I had declined being that he was not a believer. This began an awkwardly platonic  friendship. My neediness for friendship at that point, Left me wandering to an older man without faith base that would have been wise me to stay away from. Though he and his family were incredibly Kind to me, I was still trying to fill that daddy void with a friend (seriously, friendship was as far as it went).

In the midst of this I began getting into new age using the excuse that I was a “spiritual” Christian with an “open mind”…uhhh… I needed to open it back up to Jesus! Needing to find some financial stability, I applied to work for a local coffeehouse and got the job. At this point I was completely unwilling to spend all day working at 24 hour fitness and work at the coffee house all while taking care of day to day tasks for the kitty lady, so, Another change of job. The coffee house it was!

As things continue to go on, a friend of mine offered to pay for the race fee for my next marathon, the San Francisco Marathon. Training began again in my will and my time.

Shortly after this I received a phone call from my grandmother… “Jamie,” She said…”You’ll never believe who called…”The only answer that came to mind, was…. “MY DAD!!!!!!!” “Yes,” she said… I’d been waiting for so long, prayed so many nights, just wanting to forget the past and have an opportunity to get to know my dad! Wow! Believe in miracles!

Despite an undertone of warning in her voice I asked for his number, and I made the call. Ring…. Ring…. Ring… “hello?” “hi! Is this (I’ll call him Maui for the sake of keeping his name private)” “Yes…. Who’s this?” “This is Jamie Barnhart, but you would have known me as Raven Frost (my birth name). I’m your daughter!” A sudden pause… “Hello?” I said. “yeah…” He said with a cracked voice…”I’m here” that night, we talked about where he’d been living and how he was so happy I’d called! wow! My dad, after all this time… What a blessing, or so I thought!

Believe it or not, this was just the beginning of many Trumatic events. Again, I am going to have to leave it here for now. I hope that my story is not boring you all in anyway but that it’s encouraging you to face your battles with courage! Know that God is with you. No matter where you are in life, whether things are good or bad, God is there and calling you by name! Until next time, God bless and keep pressing on!

Pursuing Dreams in the Midst of Tragedy: Part 6 of My Journey

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Hey all I’m back again and I’m just going to dive right in where I last left off. As I mentioned in my last post, I really don’t want to discuss the goings-on in my current life because in all honestly this has become very dark season for me and I really want to focus on God and what He can do instead of venting and talking about my problems to you all.

Anyhow, I left off in my last post at the point where my world seemed to be falling apart. I was just informed that I had to leave the mobile home I was staying in and there was a possibility of eviction for my mom in the home that she was in on the same property. At the same time, I was preparing to host a race to raise funds for Teen Challeng for their human trafficking division, my finances went from being abundant to next to nothing and having to borrow money, and I also had been cast as one of the leads in a show called “Rivets” which is a show I had been wanting to perform in since the moment I saw it. On top of everything else, my health was beginning to go downhill. I had a nagging injury that caused me to limp a lot, and I began to struggle with post marathon depression and an eating disorder.

There were also elements that I did not bring up in my last post. You see, just prior to the marathon I was informed that my grandfather that I had just been reunited with had been diagnosed with cancer. Shortly after his diagnosis, I had to borrow money from him which was the LAST thing I ever wanted to do. This was a total nightmare!!

Meanwhile, in the middle of preparing for the fundraiser race, my computer totally crashed! It literally felt like all hell had broke loose in my life!

The second week of June 2011, I completely packed my things and moved in with a friend and her daughter. This was supposed to be for a very limited amount of time. While I was there, she was trying to help me find a new job because the restaurant wasn’t giving me enough hours. She wanted me to drop the show, quit running and forget about hosting the race. She said that I needed to get my things in line first before I try to pursue those areas. The problem with that was, I was already committed to the show, hosting the race, and to training for another marathon in an attempt to qualify for the Olympic trials. For me to drop those commitments during a very devastating point in my life would not have been psychologically healthy for me. I felt that I needed to continue to work at the restaurant and look for a different job that would allow me to be off in time to go rehearsals and provide a way for me to save up money. While this woman was most definitely wanting the best for me, I couldn’t mentally handle losing anything more at that time. Mornings I continued to put in my two- plus hour training runs, I spent the afternoons rehearsing alone, preparing for the fundraiser and looking for work. In the evenings, I went to rehearsals with my dear friend Irena who soon became like a sister to me.

June 25th, The day of the fundraiser came. Hardly anyone showed up. Thankfully, some of my dearest friends (including Irena and the amazing woman that would later be called my godmother) came and supported the event, otherwise it would’ve been a total flop. Katrina and I raised about $400, which was a TOTAL blessing, however I was so disappointed in myself for not doing better. I wanted so badly to do much more for Teen Challenge because I felt that this was my way of indirectly reaching out to my troubled loved one. That day also marked the day when the pain in my leg started to increase…. I had no idea how bad this would eventually get.

After the event, I did my best to shrug off what I felt was failure and focused on my next tasks which were the show and finding work/ a new place to live. July 13, opening night of the show came… that morning, I was informed that I was to find a new place to live that weekend. Also, just as I was about to start getting ready, I received news that my mom had been evicted from her home and was living in her car with my troubled loved one. I was shattered…. Devastated. I had no idea where I was going to go, I was worried sick about my mother, I was so angry and bitter at my troubled loved one for letting things go as far as they did and for not cleaning up. At the same time, I hated the drug that held her captive. Also, my weight had plummeted and I didn’t see myself as too thin. Anorexia athletica had set in.

I remember standing in front of the mirror and professor McKarthy came in to try to get everybody ready. She sensed something was off with me. I just broke and told her everything that had been happening. She stood and looked at me in utter shock, gave me a hug and not knowing exactly how else to respond… told me it was ok to pull myself together and to go ahead and just get on out there. Curtain came up, the show went on, and I have to say that was the best decision I ever made. Never have I felt more alive and more like myself then when I’m performing. My love for the stage, for performing arts… that was it… I was doing exactly what I felt (and still feel) that was created to do!

The following day, professor David came in and said that he felt that I needed some cheer. What a sweetheart! He handed me a brand new pallet of eyeshadow so I could do my makeup properly! Perfect timing too, because I didn’t have proper make up the night before. I felt my mind slowly slipping as I waited backstage to go on. I began to sing “In my own little corner, in my own special chair, I can be anything I want to be.“ From a movie remake of Cinderella. PTSD was beginning to take its toll. I had no idea what that was or that I ever suffered from it until recently.

Closing night came, and my mom informed me that after finding drug paraphernalia in her car, she had had it. She finally left my troubled loved one at a neighbor’s house and decided it was time to let her take care of herself since she was not ready to let go of the addiction. She and I spoke about what we would do the next day. She had nowhere to go, and as of the following day I didn’t have anywhere to go either. I was set up for an interview at a salon in Lafayette, so we decided to head out there in the morning and discuss living situations that afternoon.

The following morning, I packed up my things in my moms car, we went for a training run at my favorite local park, and I prepared for my interview. I was such a wreck when I showed up to the interview that the lady totally turned me down. I don’t blame her either. Shortly after that, I received a phone call from my professor who reached out and really tried to help us. She gave me some information in regards to some shelters and told me to call if I needed anything. Her kindness and her heart was more than I could’ve asked for during that time.

Just after her phone call I received an email from the woman I had been staying with saying that there was a woman in the church that I used to attend that was looking for a live-in house sitter. She needed someone to live in her home and take care of her four cats and home while she was away on business during the week. She would be home on weekends and the person would remain in the home. This job was a temporary assignment while she worked out of town, however, it was a job and place to stay. She gave me her email and I contacted the woman right away. I exchanged emails back-and-forth with back and forth with the woman I’ll just call “the kitty lady.” We arranged a time that day to meet and discuss the possibility of my taking the job. Upon meeting her, it appeared that I had received the job. However, it wasn’t to start until the following day. That evening, mom and I headed out to my grandparents in Cameron Park to spend the night and figure out what we were going to do.

The following day, we returned it to the Bay Area. After some prayer and consideration, I told my mom to let me call her employer and offered to talk to the company that she cleans apartment buildings for to see if they might allow her to work as a property manager in exchange for part of the rent and she could pay the rest. At first she resisted, but I told her that I was willing to speak and that she didn’t have to say anything. During the phone call, they told me to go into the office and they would see what they could do. We pulled up, I walked in, and shaking I asked to speak with the manager of the office. After I explaining to him what was going on, he took compassion on my mother and gave her an incredible deal allowing her to stay in an apartment they were just about to remodel on a temporary basis. Yes, both living situations were temporary, but they were just in the nick of time!

We then raced off to meet the kitty lady where she officially invited me to take the job. I then went and retrieved the rest of my belongings and I headed off to my new home in Pinole. Finally… some hope! Or so it seemed.

Now, I’ll have to stop here for now. As I’ve said many times, thank you all for joining me as I share my story. I hope that you all have a blessed weekend and I hope you continue to join me as I share many ups and downs that God has brought me through. Until next time, God bless!

This was one of the blessings in the middle of the storm! One of the cast members of Rivets happens to be related to MC Hammer! He came and saw the performance, and the cast got to meet him!