From race adventures to Shattered Dreams: Part 13 of my Journey

Standard

Hey all! After a long break from blogging I’m back again! I guess now would be a good time to continue where I left off in my journey! Just a quick refresher, in part 12 of my journey I left off where I just received news that my godfather was slowly fading, I was finishing up a housesit while getting ready for a new one, and chaos at home was out of control! The reason why it’s taken me so long to post this portion is that the season I’m about to discuss is pretty heavy for me, meanwhile I have to be careful how I word everything in order to protect people that I love! That being said… I will continue with part 13 at my story.

My Journey Part 13

There are two places that I feel that I get to be myself the most. The first one is out in nature, running, hiking, training for and running races. I just feel so free! Second, is the one that I’ve known since I was a kid… the performing arts, when I’m acting, singing, dancing… honestly, if I would have a career of my choice it would definitely be as a professional actor! Now this next season that I was entering into was about to throw me full throttle into the race field while watching the very man that I called my God-dad… begin to fade, and soon pass.

During this time, I was also caring for my God Grammy and doing house sits. Weekdays, I would train early mornings and help out with God Grammy in the afternoons. Weekends, I started racing just about every weekend, sometimes multiple times in a weekend with my godmother! I’m going to keep the details here minimal because this time period is a sensitive season for both my God family and me. I need to honor their feelings and learn to be a little more guarded about my own.

While caring for my God Grammy just before my godfather passed, my godmother and I became nearly inseparable. It’s through her and her family that I was able to witness firsthand what a stable family life is like! During the most uncomfortable season of my godfather’s life, he was asked if he wanted me to leave and he responded with, “no, she makes it better!“ This statement was one of the most profoundly healing statements I’ve ever heard in my life! You see, the girl who was always told I wasn’t good enough, that I was an irritation, that I wasn’t pretty enough, that I was fat, that I was loud and annoying, the one that nobody liked, this… girl…. me? My heart will forever cherish the memory of that moment!

Upon the passing of my godfather, my life went even more out of control! While I did care for my God-grmmy from time to time, I wasn’t around her and my Godmother as much. Meanwhile, things with my sister began to go down-hill as well. She was trying so hard to get her life together. She was released to live in transitional home where the county was going to try to help her get back on her feet. The problem is, every time she tried to make a step forward, something got her way and set her back! I could see the hope begin to fade from her eyes! I could also see the presence of substance abuse returned her life. I told my mom what I suspected, she didn’t want to believe it at first, but as time went on it became more and more evident.

I continued to plow myself into training and racing! It was on the race course that I was given the name “scripture girl” Because I never race without one on my shirt! Everywhere I went, when people asked me why I ran, I told them the story of how God delivered me from drug addiction and gave me a new life! Each weekend held new racing adventures for me including my first ultra marathon called the Diablo Hills 50 K, during which I learned so many lessons! For more on the story behind this you can read the blog from that I wrote as a review of that race here: Diablo Hills 50k

Running was my passion, my ministry platform, my outlet… but little did I know… this season was fast fading. You see, with the chaos that surrounded me I became more and more restrictive with my eating patterns and dropped to a very low weight. While I was eating a lot, it wasn’t the right nutrients to keep me properly fueled and I believe it became more and more obvious to people around me. Meanwhile my visits to Dr. Runco became more and more often. I did everything I could to try to hold on to the one last bit of life I felt that I had left.

As my sister’s birthday approached, we went out to visit her and it was obvious that her situation had worsened! After we had eaten, I saw her coming down and passed the couch as my nephew walked up to me wanting to play. He was so exhausted, you could see the stress on his face… As my mom and I got ready to leave, little guy acted like he didn’t want my mom to go! He squeezed her and held onto her for dear life… as we drove away, I looked over at my mom and said “we’ve got to do something! There’s got to be a way to get him safe!“ As my mom and I discussed it we just didn’t know what to do. Soon, we found out that CPS had caught wind of my sister’s situation as it had worsened. In order to protect my sister, I do have to keep the details surrounding these issues quite as well! You see, she’s a very good mother when she’s on drugs. She’s a very good human in general when she’s not on drugs. She’s one of the most beautiful, caring, intelligent, talented and amazing young women I’ve ever had the pleasure of being around! I hate, and I don’t say this lightly… I HATE DRUGS AND WHAT THEY DO TO PEOPLE AND FAMILIES!

Now, in July, we found out that little dude would soon be coming to live with us! What a relief! By the grace of God, He was going to be safe! On July 10, 2014, just as I finished the 10k for the Brazen Racing 100th race anniversary, I saw my mom pushing him up in a stroller! I went and did another 3 mile loop to make sure I had my mileage for the next half marathon that I was doing, and… I felt a tug on the left side and what people have assumed repeatedly to be considered my sciatic nerve area! Whatever it was… I shook it off and did my best to hide it as I hobbled around and celebrated with everyone! I went and took pictures with my nephew and I was so excited to have him there getting to be a part of what I loved to do!

While I felt a part of me died since my sister was no longer clean and sober, I felt a sweet sense of love and admiration for a little boy would soon become a friend during one of the darkest periods of my life. We went off to celebrate, and then went home he enjoyed some family time together! As the tugging got worse, it was more more difficult to train up and down the hills in the area that I live in. Some days I would be able to go outside and run, others, I would attempt to, but my left side would get locked up! However, I chose keep pushing through! The half marathon I was training for came and I pushed through, however, again the tugging worsened! We got home, mom dropped me off that with little guy while she went to work, I went to pick him up and get him out of the high chair and… The tugging got even worse! I soon ended up taking a few weeks back from racing, and had to run back and forth in my apartment in order to be able to train on a flat surface and keep my mileage up for the next event I was hoping to run. During the days, I would stay home and watch little one when my mom went to work!

While home with him, I dealt with issues that I was not really ready to deal with!, You see, because he was flushing the drugs out of his system, he had a lot of temperamental issues. The tantrums were horrendous, and he would wake up, drenched in sweat after his naps. Since picking him up worsened my injury, I had a hard time comforting the poor kid, but through it all I found that we were healing together. Despite the tantrums, we found joy in our time together watching kids movies and playing together.

Right around the same time, my time caring for God Grammy had come to an end and she was transitioning into a new stage of care. She too was beginning to fade… and I had no control!

Finally, my injury seemed to be a bit better and I got the ok to run another event, so… off I went to

the Bear Creak half marathon!

There I was, thinking that all I had to do was one more half marathon after Bear Creek to complete the ultra half series, but little did I know that this would be my last race! Off and on prior to the race, the tugging got worse and my left hip begin to lock up. People kept telling me that I had sciatica, but what people don’t realize is that they aren’t doctors and that sciatica is just a SYMPTOM of a deeper issue, it’s not a proper diagnosis. This was DEFINITELY NOT SCIATICA!! Race day came, I got the medical OK to go ahead with it, and what an adventure!!! Every hill, every twist and turn, every view was just so breathtaking! Toward the end, the tug started again! Then, their came a drop that I didn’t expect! Just as I thought the race was almost over, there was a staircase that took me quickly down then back up and then… to FINISH!!!

I quickly went off to ice my injury and celebrate with the family. I kept quiet the whole time about how bad the issue was… as I was half hobbling around.

When my family returned home, mom went off to work and I was there at home with little guy… again… I went to pick him up, and the tug was horrific this time!

That week, I went to Dr. Runco and he could see that I was pretty bad. I continued to fight while not able run outside without having my left sacral area lock up. I continued to run back-and-forth in my apartment to keep my cardio up. I took baby steps and tried to keep proper form and found myself being able to finally run a few miles here and there outside but it definitely was a battle. I had to cancel race plans knowing my body just wasn’t up for it. Finally, my body had had enough. I went for a 4 mile run at Fernandez park and in the last mile as I headed toward the bridge… my left side locked up again. I took shorter strides and pushed myself through so I could get to the car, ice and stretch in hopes that it would go away. I quickly tried to shut off the worry of the pain that I felt and refocused my mind on the events of the evening at Hilltop Community Church. We were having a harvest day carnival and a very accomplished magician that grew up attending our church was scheduled to perform! I went in and did my volunteer work for the event, then quickly headed off to see the show! In pain, full of uncertainty… this was just what I needed! Afterward, I was blessed to be able to meet and speak with him. I felt like a total idiot! There was, talking to him about running ultramarathons, and little did he know… I could barely walk!

Then… it was off to face reality once more.

The next day, I went to try to walk at Fernandez park and on the way back, my sacral area locked up again. In pain… I panicked! Barely able to walk and it was my fault!! I’d pushed myself to run and race even though I felt my body begin to tell me no. I asked my mom to take me to the ER and they advised me to quit going to Dr. Runco (worst decision ever) and consult my doctor about getting physical therapy. Thankfully, I was just granted medi-cal, so… I started on my new journey to seek help.

There I was… racing dreams shattered, family life a mess, chaos around… it took me every bit of strength to just wake up and face each day… each. And.

Every. Day. I fought! I prayed, I paced back and forth in my apartment, read the word of God, unable to walk around my neighborhood without my left side locking up, taking care of a child that was recovering from his own trials and unable to lift and hold him without being in pain, feeling hopeless and like a trapped rat… thankfully my mom tried to take me out to the grocery store where I would shuffle around the isles frantically counting my steps as if they were something I could hold onto. Then the eating disorder soon got worse. I found refuge in escaping to a peaceful housesit for a few days, then it was back home to the chaos and struggle.

Soon, I received yet another call that I prayed to God I wouldn’t get… God-Grammy had passed! My mom let me use her car to go feed God-grammy’s kitties, and upon my arrival to her house… I fell apart! I shuffled my way up to where the kitties ate, and I wept as I fed them. I went back to the car, turned the key and started crying hysterically! I felt like such a fool for selfishly pursuing my running dreams while my family and I struggled to survive. I was an adult, living off my mom and my EBT food card (I promised myself that I would do everything I could to not ever end up on welfare) barely able to walk, battling the loss of my Godfather to cancer, my God-Grammy just passed, and my sister was back on drugs… I was a total mess! I cried out to God and told him that I didn’t want to take my life, but I needed Him to give me something to hope for! Immediately, I felt prompted to call a counselor and she almost automatically took my case!

Soon, I pressed on through doctor appointments (where my doctor pointed out my low weight), counseling appointments, and my God-grammy’s funeral. Also, after speaking to a neighbor, I began to get myself signed up to take classes at Contra Costa College. It felt like I was actually going in a good direction… hopes of making a better life for my family and dreams of receiving my degrees so I could build a ministry… life was starting to look brighter!

Well, I really need to leave off at this point! I apologize for the incredibly long post! One thing I do want to say before I go is that during my darkest times, when I was stuck in the apartment, alone, or when my nephew was taking a nap, times when I couldn’t hold him because of the pain, when paced back-and-forth in the apartment, I memorized scripture and made declarations of God‘s promises over my life! These are practices that I’ve continued to do even today! You see, I was continuing to try to train for California international Marathon this year to raise funds for an organization that helps women who have been abused and trafficked… however, I’ve hit a speedbump in the healing process which has left me at a point of feeling semi-debilitated again and without the means to get the help that I need. To have my freedom, the ability to walk and run all over the place given to me and then ripped away so quickly has been a nightmare! At the same time, I have to look back at all that God has brought me through. I know that whether or not I pull out of this, God is working, and He has great plans for me! Romans 8:28 is definitely speaking to me:“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

Romans 8:28 NKJV

http://bible.com/114/rom.8.28.nkjv So… whatever you’re going through, hold on to God‘s word, and He will help see you through! Darkness can only last for a moment, God will bring forth new light and new hope!

Advertisements

Running, Graduation and More

Standard

Photo credit quotesoftheday.net

Gutsy… I guess this is a term that best describes me. Growing up, I was a kid that people made fun of for singing and acting. Those closest to me ridiculed me and made me feel ashamed of everything that I was and everything I wanted to be. While my mom and her family encouraged me… There were MANY who made me feel like crud if I tried to pursue anything other than what they wanted me to be. In other words, my stepdad and various (not all) people in his family along with various school mates and even teachers. Though my mom loved me, she submitted to my stepfather’s overbearing ways because he was her husband. This left me feeling alone and fighting a battle to find, own, and fight for who I was. You see, words have power, and I didn’t have people telling me “you can do this“ or “you’re talented and beautiful and wonderful and you can put your mind to anything and do it!” I had to learn to tell those things to myself. One thing that echoes in my mind is a period in which I was told “no” when I wanted to go auditions, but another sibling was allowed to. This was the constant case until in my late teens when I started to fight for who I was and who I wanted to be. Since then, this has been what has helped me become a fighter!

Recently I have been very quiet about what I’ve been doing. Why? Because I tend to guard my dreams with everything in me! Now, I’m going to be very open with all of you! In order to do so, I’m taking a break from telling the Journey of how I got to this day and time. I’m giving my mind, body and emotions a break from pulling up all the dirt of my past, and I’m going to involve you, those who have been taking precious time out of your days, to share in my journey! You all have no idea how much this means to me! That being said, I’m going to share with you some major victories that have happened, and where I currently stand in some of my trials! I can only hope that this post will encourage you to keep pressing on the matter what you’re facing!

Now, I started going back to see Dr. Runco for chiropractic appointments just before the fall semester ended. This man has been such an amazing saint and by the grace of God… my body was beginning to heal. No, he’s not seeing me pro bono anymore; however, he deserves to be paid much more than anyone could ever pay him. His heart for his patients, his kindness and encouragement, and the work that he does that has really helped me come back stronger than I thought I would has been such an amazing blessing to me and I’m sure so many others that he has helped! I’m not sure if he’ll ever read this, but Dr. Runco if you are reading this, thank you!

A week after going in for my first appointment, my body began to get the urge to run. I had been going on walks that were between 1 and 2 Miles with very little muscular flare up, and I decided to give it a little go! I jogged a few little spurts, then walked back to where I was parked (still had my car at this time). What a success! I was working on set of a Netflix series during this time and days of work were so much less painful and days I worked at Kmart were less painful too! Yes, there were speed bumps just like any other healing process; however, this time it didn’t seem like they were nearly as bad.

As my final semester at Contra Costa College ended, the stress levels brought my body into a state of needing to rest. At the same time filming for the Netflix production ended, and just prior to all of this… my car broke down. All the highs and lows took their toll on me, and just like every time I’ve left a semester, I ended up in severe pain, this time I had no means to get me out to see Runco unless my mom had time in her schedule. Despite that, I’ve continued to fight!

Over the past few months, I’ve worked through the chaos of work at Kmart, family, financial issues, the list goes on… to regain my strength. Walking and finally…. running… yesss I started FINALLY getting freedom! One morning, as I was praying, I felt prompted to sign up for another marathon. YES, a FULL 26.2 MARATHON, but this is not going to be one that is like any other that I’ve run before. You see, for this event, I’ve decided to set up a pledge board, and for each mile that I complete, people will donate their pledged amount to an organization called “the Glass Slipper foundation” that helps young woman break free from sex trafficking as well as verbal, physical and sexual abuse! I’ll be posting the link my Facebook profile soon. Now, since I took the plunge and signed up for the event, there have been battles and victories. Victories… well I finally built up to RUNNING 7 1/2 miles. This has not been easy by any means! I have had to work my butt off to get to chiropractic appointments and I’m currently facing an unexpected injury that could very well take me out of the event as a whole. You see, last Sunday, I experienced a weird feeling in my hamstring area. I didn’t want to ruin my nephew’s birthday party, so I kept my mouth shut and just kept going with it. Over the week the pain came and went. Then as graduation approached, The pain got even worse! As I was sitting down, waiting for them to call my name and and walk in front of my fellow classmates and MANY professors, faculty and staff that helped me on my journey, my leg began to throb! I sucked it up and decided I was not going to let it ruin my moment! Now, I’m here with uncertainty. I don’t know exactly what happened to my leg. I just know that I’m in pain off and on. I also know that while I’m sure there are many remedies that could help, I don’t have the means to get those remedies. That being said, I choose to do what I’ve continued to do and what has helped make me stronger during times like this. Focus on God, and continue to believe that His ways are higher than mine. Though it seems like yet another dream might be shattered, I know that God always has a better plan. I choose to praise Him during this time and to focus on all that he has done for me. In doing so, I’m going to share some major victories with you all!

1.) after nearly 4 years of not being able to run and race, which is part of what makes me feel like I’m truly doing exactly what I was created to do, I finally built up to 7 1/2 miles. Despite my current predicament, I refuse to give up on believing that I will run and race again!

2.) I FINALLY get to share with you all what I was working on with Netflix! Last summer, a friend/ sister in Christ named Irena had been talking with me. I told her that I wanted to get serious about acting, and shortly after that, she sent me a link to a casting call for extras to work on the set of “13 Reasons Why.” The weekend just after my birthday, we spent several hours waiting in line determined to get in even though they sent half the line home. We got in, did our paperwork, got set up on the website they told us to go to, and went home to celebrate my birthday! Within a week, I was called in and began working as an extra and even a stand in for their show! This was my first paid acting gig and one that I will never forget! The storyline of the show has been extremely controversial, but I will say this, despite the criticism this show has received, I saw so much of my childhood and teen years in this series, so much of Hannah and her story in my own life and in those around me that I refuse to let the critics bother me! The show confronted many serious issues that need to be brought to the table today and that so many people are afraid to speak out and do something about! I can only pray that young lives are changed, and people are given hope to continue to live instead of letting the tortures of life bring them down.

Coming home from working on set, I felt so alive like I have not felt in years! For those of you who have kept up with my blog, y’all know how much I enjoy the performing arts! I finally found the career path that makes me feel 100% me. After all the years of being told who I am and who I should be according to other people’s perspectives, I. Am. Finally. Being. Me! On top of it, upon the premiere of the show, I kept seeing my face and the faces of my new friends pop up everywhere through various episodes! What an honor and a privilege to see the hours and hours of being on set really pay off! To be honest though, the best part of it all was the friendships and the people that I met along the way! I’ve never been treated so respectfully on a job. Though I was only working as an extra, the cast and crew were incredibly kind and gracious! I made friends and connections that I believe will last a lifetime!

Upon the end of the filming season, I fell apart like a blubbering baby! I can only hope and dream that this was just the beginning of many amazing acting adventures for not only myself but my friends that were all involved!

3.) I FREAKING GRADUATED!!! OK, so graduation is a very big deal for anybody that does it whether it’s high school diploma, AA degree, bachelors, etc. for each person, the journey to get their degree has so many challenges! For me, this marked the first time I ever walked for any graduation ceremony. You see, I was supposed to graduate from high school in 2001, I ended up graduating summer of 2002 because I went back to school to get my diploma. I missed the graduation ceremony because I had to work at Costco, and back then, I didn’t realize how important such an event was. I didn’t even actually receive my physical proof of diploma until just before I reentered college spring of 2015.

Also, upon entering college, I had lost my ability to run and was nearly unable to walk. My first week I spent shuffling around praying to God I would make it through each class. I’ll get into more detail in my actual story when I continue sharing it, but I will say this… My first semester, I signed onto 14 units. This included a performance in a show called “All in the Timing” in which I played several different characters.

Throughout the semester, I went through several different physical therapists and doctors just trying to regain my strength. My family and I battled severe financial struggles which left us nearly unable to feed ourselves at times. Thank God for His grace! I started working out at the school gym, and had hopes of running again. I also started a new job at Kmart and life seemed to be getting better. Just before summer classes, my body failed me again. Apparently the stress of everything took it’s toll and I ended up nearly unable to walk once more. In bed for three days just before summer biology, I was determined not to give up! I spent my summer working my butt off through physical pain, doing housesits, working at Kmart 1 to 2 days a week, working past the crash of my computer and doing my best to hold on to Christ and persevere. Thankfully, I did!

Fall classes came, and my body was starting to allow me to do some physical activity again. Another plate full of classes along with the family stress and my inability to do what I love to do the most (act and run) anorexia begin to overcome me. Though I was eating, I was not eating nearly enough to sustain all the activity I was doing. October 12th, my godmother got me on the scale, something that no one else could ever get me to do, and we found that I was just over 84 pounds after eating and being soaking wet from pool running. I knew something had to change. Between classes, family stress, and everything else, I had a new battle to fight, one for my life! I continued to press on through each semester, slowly regaining my strength and my health. Along with this, came 2 episodes in the ER due to heart problems, several other episodes in the ER due to various health problems connected to stress levels and low weight, consistently being poked and prodded by doctors, physical therapist, chiropractors, the list goes on all while facing several family car losses, loss of my grandmother and a dear friend from church… I was screened for cancer and autoimmune diseases both of which I have none (thank God), and FINALLY, upon my finishing of my final semester… I was officially weight restored. In other words bodily functions were going properly (TMI I know). People kept telling me to back down, to take semester off, but I’ve refused to give up! What do I have to show for it? A testimony of God‘s goodness and grace! Despite the trials and tribulations, God help me obtain two AA degrees 1.) Liberal Arts: Math and Sciences 2.) Liberal Arts: Arts and Humanities and a certificate in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) . On top of it, I graduated as what is known as a “president’s scholar!” Me, the kid who was told I couldn’t be or do anything, that my dreams weren’t good enough, that my grades were never good enough, yes!!!! THIS WOMAN GRADUATED and achieved everything I set my mind to do and MORE!

Through it all, one thing remains…. there is only one being who can truly take credit for any of this that is Jesus Christ Himself! I ended my graduation evening by speaking to and sharing time with some of my nearest friends and family. Despite the pain I was in, they made it all better! I could not of asked for better celebration!

Now… as I get ready to end this post, I want to let you all know that no matter what dreams you’ve seen shatter before your eyes, God can turn everything around in a heartbeat! Will I have her run again? Faith tells me “yes!” In the meantime, while I’m waiting, I choose to praise God for everything He’s done of my life knowing that He will continue to do miracles again and again! As for my acting career… anything that I have in life truly belongs first to God. If it is His will, He will open the right doors in His time! I’ll just continue to walk through open doors He provides in faith knowing that He’ll lead the way! Again, as I wait, I choose to celebrate the moments that I have gotten to spend on set of various projects (2 of which I’ll reveal when given the OK). Until my next post, be encouraged, know that God is with you, He will move every mountain in your life if you just believe!

Before I go I’m going to share a recipe for savory lunchtime waffles that I came up with recently! I hope you all enjoy!

Savory Lunchtime Waffles

-1/4 cup brown rice flour (you can make it by processing brown rice in a blender)

-1/2-1/3 cup shredded red cabbage or grated cauliflower

-A pinch of baking soda

-A pinch of baking powder

-1 egg

-1 tablespoon of water or milk of choice

-sea salt and rosemary to taste

-1/2 tablespoon of all of oil or olive oil spray

Coat your waffle iron with the all of oil or the all of oil spray and let it preheat. Put all of your ingredients in A blender. Blend until creamy without any lumps. Put mix on the iron and let it cook all the way through. These taste excellent with eggs and turkey meat! You can also serve them with a side salad and canned salmon! If you try this recipe me know what you think in the comments!

Made with cauliflower

Made with red cabbage

Transformation through trials: my journey continues part 11

Standard

Run… just. RUN! Breathe in, breathe out, let the rhythm of the pavement under your feet intermingle with the rhythm of your heart while adding the melodic sounds of all your worries and doubts being stripped away with every blessed step… people used to ask me why I ran so much, and THIS is why: with every step, every mile, every hill repeat or track workout, and with every race I filtered a new worry, shedded a new doubt, pushed myself to levels and limits I never dreamed possible! It made me feel bigger than every person who ever harmed me, lied to me, manipulated me or used me. It’s on the running courses that I truly poured my heart out to God, where I connected with His spirit and felt His presence the most.. I just feel as though I was created to run… my passion… my purpose… just. RUN! Now, hopefully y’all can see and get an idea of why I continued to run and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will race and fly again! I was born for this!

One thing I did not mention in my previous post was the amount of physical pain that I had been through during these times. Yes, I mentioned that I was seeing chiropractors and doing what I could to try to figure out how to alleviate the pain. The problem is, my nerve endings were constantly on fire! I was eating a lot of normal table salt and loaded my oatmeal with sugar. I also ate a lot of other sugar containing foods which became a total breeding ground for inflammation! I would take ibuprofen from time to time, but I really felt that my body just needed to be able to handle the pain on its own. I later found out that I was allergic to ibuprofen, but will get into that, Lord willing, at a later time.

More recently, I have been very quiet about the current details of my life. I will say, however, that I was blessed with yet another opportunity to act in the resurrection production at the church I attend. There I was, delivering the opening monologue as the “healed woman!” In this brief skit, I explained the years of battling with the issue of blood and how one touch of the garment of Jesus healed her, all of her issues were “settled and done!” So much of me related to that monologue! For the first time in my entire time being a performer, I truly connected with the character! Years and years of battling pain, emotionally, physically, etc. Here I am, right now, reaching for the garment of Jesus… begging and pleading for HIS healing touch!!! The thought of finally being delivered from the physical pain I deal with on a day-to-day basis is what really helped me give everything that I am into offering that performance to God and to the audience. I can only hope that this piece touched the heart of those watching as much as it touched mine. I pray that whoever was in the audience that needed a touch from Jesus got their touch that day. Meanwhile, I hope and pray that I too will receive my miracle!

Now, I left off in my last post where my sister and I were becoming friends, she had cleaned up, got into a program, and had brought a little bundle of joy into our lives! So, after a long break from blogging, I’ll continue with my journey.

Part 11 of my journey

Family, there’s no connection like it! The sense of being loved, the sense of knowing that you have people that not only have your back, but share the same blood… this is irreplaceable!

My experience with family hasn’t always been healthy. People didn’t always have my back as you all can see. I didn’t always feel loved. I often felt shoved out and secluded. Yet, with the little bundle of joy that had been brought into our lives, things appeared to change for the better! Life FINALLY seemed to be going well!

Day-to-day life was a bit rough. I was out of a job, so I definitely struggled financially. Then, a bittersweet moment came. The bitter part? I received news a few months prior to my shake down with my dad that the landlord from the first place that I lived at in El Sobrante had been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease and was fading quickly. This was the man who let me stay in the mobile home when my life was falling apart! He was honestly one of the sweetest people I had ever met! The sweet part? Well, his wife had been caring for him on a daily basis. She needed someone to help take care of him once or twice a week while she went and spent time with her family. She called me about a month prior to the loss of my car and asked if I could care for him in exchange for pay. Honestly, I would’ve done it for free; however, she insisted on paying me and I was really blessed to be given the opportunity to be entrusted with his care. For a short while after the loss of my car I didn’t receive any calls from her to help out.

Just after the birth of my nephew, his health went way downhill and he was bedridden. His wife ended up calling me a bit more. It wasn’t consistent work. She didn’t need me every week, but it was provision during a very dry financial season and the perfect opportunity to try to give back to someone who had given so much to me.

I think one of the most encouraging moments while taking care of him was when he actually let me feed him! Prior to my caring for him, he would not allow anybody other than his wife help him eat. Then, as I was upstairs reading a book, I heard him mumble something about wanting cookies! I quickly went to the cabinet, got his chocolate chip cookies, a cup of milk, and headed down the stairs to the basement where he lay. Here he was… this man that I used to see cleaning up the yard every day, driving around the streets of town, joking with me when I’d run by, a man who chose to enjoy traveling with his wife rather than spending a fortune on sparkling up a home that would only fade away, a man so cheery… now, barely able to move or even talk! My heart just broke for him! I sat next to him, dipped the cookie in some milk so it would be soft enough for him to eat, and he allowed me to feed him! If any of you know what Lou Gehrig’s is like, you’ll understand that when someone is in the final stages of this disease, the simple task of eating can cause them to choke and die. His trusting me to feed him was probably one of the most encouraging moments I’ve ever had in my life! He slowly finished his cookies and I helped him sit up and drink the rest of his milk through a straw. This became something I definitely looked forward to during my times of caring for him!

In my personal life, I continued to run, but I wasn’t really able to race. I did maybe one race during that whole time, but emotionally I was just not with it. The eating disorder had really grabbed a hold of me. I was running to burn calories instead of running to train. This became very obvious at my birthday party at yummygurt in Pinole. I was absolutely exhausted, and way too thin! Looking back, I know now that my God-family could see it, but I was so blind!

I was trying so hard to build the nutrition business with my friend, just trying to survive, going with my mom to work in Berkeley just so I could run on the streets out there and then help her clean buildings, my baby sister was even helping US with food despite having to provide for herself and the baby… I was stressed out, wrung out, and felt guilty, miserable and worthless! Meanwhile, my sister kept going through her program and entered into transitional home! A bit of hope in the midst of chaos! Seeing her press on through her trials encouraged me to start applying for work… for real, stable work. Finally, I received a call from a local grocery store saying they wanted to interview me! I quickly went in and was hired that day for clerk position in the deli/bakery! This was yet another bittersweet moment for me. Having the new job meant that I quite possibly would not have the time to take care of my dear friend.

The day of my orientation, I was caring for him. My mom came to get me, and as I headed out the door, something told me this was the last time I would ever see him again. I looked back at him and said, “goodbye Wally.” It was almost as though I was terrified to even go near him. I’ve carried the guilt of this moment even till today. That evening, just after my orientation, I received a call from his wife that he had passed. I totally fell apart!

Starting work at the grocery store definitely had its challenges! To be honest, I originally applied there because I had a crush on someone that worked there. Upon getting hired, I found out that he had a girlfriend. The way he acted around me did not make it look that way that’s for sure! Though we never went past friendly “hi how are you” conversations, he definitely acted like he was interested. So, I did my best to be as civil as possible. If we were in a room like the break room alone together, I tried to stay as far away from him as possible or leave that room. I kept my conversations with him very quick and simple. With the schedule at my new job, I barely had time for the nutrition business. Honestly, none of the products really, truly suited me. I found myself trying to fit into a mold that just wasn’t for me.

Long hours at the deli with extremely chaotic shifts, the battles of trying to rise above financially, the mental strain of being at work for nine hours and trying to get to and from home, all this became exhausting, all while working around the awkwardness with the guy that worked there… ughh! What a mess!

When I worked in the deli in the evenings, I would go for a run in my area in the mornings. Then, they decided they liked me to work in the bakery and open in the mornings. As one of the few people who was actually able to complete all the opening work by the time the store opened and still have it look neat… they kept me primarily in that position and often had me do switchbacks where I would close, then open. This meant early mornings around 3-4 AM busting my butt to bake bread, donuts, packaged food, etc. I would often be off around noon or 1.

(One of the beautiful cakes that the decorators made 💜💜💜)

The town I live in is far away from any real grocery stores including the one I worked for. Using the bus system would have taken me several hours to get home. So, I would go for a run in the area and do personal Bible studies and church membership homework while I waited for my mom to head back from Berkeley and pick me up on her way home. I found myself often and pain because I had no way to see Dr. Runco in Concord. I then started to see the first chiropractor I’d gone to in El Sobrante who was helpful, but just didn’t seem to be able to get to the root of it. Restrictive eating began to worsen. While I did eat a lot, I was not eating enough calories or the right nutrients for all of the work that I was doing.

Then, devastating news hit! My step grandmother on my mom’s side had been reported missing! Apparently, she had gone to go visit an area in the mountains that was very special to her and my grandpa (who had passed) and never returned. My aunt sent me an article that had been written about it through a DM on my Facebook page. We prayed, waiting, and hoped for several days only to receive the report that she had apparently gotten lost then distracted while driving and ended up trapped in the middle of nowhere in her car. Every day that she was out there she wrote letters about everything that had been going through her mind. The woman who taught me to color in the lines, let me call her “grandma fluffy,” who let me play with her art supplies and create whatever I wanted, who bowled like a maniac and Who always had some quirky new creation to show me when I visited was gone! Grief shook me like an earthquake! links to the news articles that explain her disappearance and final days are below:

Diaries of a missing woman

Grass Valley Resident Missing

I was exhausted! The combination of long, draining hours at work, physical pain, the loss of two people that were dear to me, malnutrition, constant stress of finances all beganto take their toll on me! PTSD hit in ways I would not wish on anybody! During early morning shifts, I would begin to hallucinate and see shadows in the darkened corners of the store. I would shake and twitch at random times, black out, forget random scheduled events, and would have night tremors so bad that I would wake up and feel paralyzed!

Finally, I was in so much physical pain that I went back to Dr. Runco to see if he could help! Slowly, I started feeling a bit better. Still, everything became too much for me! I cried out to God, and He answered in a very odd way. While driving to work one morning, my mom’s car failed on us. It barely made it to the grocery store parking lot! My manager was kind enough to let her stay inside where she made some calls and tried to figure out what to do. I had to open the bakery which is a very high pressure/high stress job while seeing my mom crushed and feeling hopeless. Her job relied on a good working vehicle and the ability to get to her accounts to clean them.

After spending most of the morning there, one of the managers was kind enough to take her home. There we were, in yet another position of not knowing what to do! My poor mom! As if it wasn’t enough that she stressed constantly about finances and life… this had to happen to her too! We were both just trying to get our heads above water! I felt like little tortured kitty drowning in a pond only to be beaten down every time I started to rise and get back up!

I continued trying to work. Fellow church members helped me get to and from work and chiropractic appointments, but all the stress became way too much! My body had had enough!!! I was in horrible pain again, and my chiropractor wrote a form of temporary disability releasing me from my job. With the injury that I was dealing with, all the bending and twisting had become too much. It was one thing for me to walk and run and do balance work which are normal, human functions; however, repeated bending, stooping, twisting, and all at an extremely high-pressure pace… yeahhh not the wisest position for someone to be in if you’re trying to recover from an injury! I took a few days back while trying to continue to gently walk, then was able jog and slowly regain my strength.

I remember laying in bed one night completely exhausted and friend of mine that I had met while working in the deli called me. This woman was honestly one of the greatest blessings in my storm! She encouraged and reminded me that she and I both knew that the deli/ bakery job was temporary. She reminded me of all the ideas that I had as far as ministry goes. Then, something came to mind. While I was working in the deli/bakery, I was constantly encouraging people to live out their dreams to do everything they’ve always wanted to do. There I was, letting life consume me, battling an eating disorder, and watching people that I knew from running and racing come in on Sundays after race events, my spirit longing so desperately to fly!… I would watch the choir sing and perform, the worship team at church singing their hearts out to God, but I had to step back because I was always working and striving to live. I understand that as people we need to work and live. I truly believe that hard work is an essential part of being human. The problem was not the job but the fact that I was shackled. I was chained to self hatred, oppression, guilt, unforgiveness and all these things had to be stripped away. The loss that job was just the beginning of a series of transformations for me, transformations that were more painful than anything I could ever explain, yet at the same time… very necessary and beneficial to my well-being! Just as the Word says:

(Image property of Christian.org)

With that, I’ll leave you all for now. As I’ve said many times before, I pray that the sharing of my journey encourages those of you who are reading to find God, to find His peace in the middle of your storm, and no matter what trial you’re facing, ask him to give you the strength to rise on Eagles wings above that storm! Grab a hold of His garment today and receive your miracle!

A voice from 20 years past… part 8 of my journey

Standard

Here I go procrastinating again! Sorry for being so MIA y’all! I hope all of you have been doing well! As I promised, I’m going to continue with my story. I hope that, again, through the sharing of my trials someone will be encouraged to press on through their own!

In my last post, I left off with the phone call to my dad who I hadn’t spoken to in over 20 years. This is the same man who molested me as a baby, and pretty much robbed me of my chances at purity and security before I even knew what either of those things were. No, he didn’t take my virginity (thank God), however; he did do plenty of other sick and twisted acts that psychologically wounded me in ways I can’t even begin to properly explain. No, no one properly warned me to stay away from him. There were warning tones, little hints, but no one blatantly said , “do not come in contact with him because he is still a psychological wreck.” For me, the little girl inside desired to have that dad that I never knew in my life.

(Photo credit theparentcue.org )

I remember growing up and seeing other little girls with their dads who took them out and did things out of love and not out of some sick twisted desire. Most of my life, I secretly envied those girls who’s dads cared for them, who hung around and listened to them, cheered them on at performances and other events, went and got them cars and took them out on special daddy daughter dates. I will tell you one thing, be careful what you wish for, and don’t ever wish that you had something that someone else has, because jealousy is definitely one of major roots of evil! Now that this is said and done, I’ll continue where I left off!

Part 8 of my journey

Running and the performing arts… these have been major outlets in my life! There’s just something about being on stage and taking yourself into a period of time and into someone else’s world, away from the troubles of your own to help the audience come into that world and escape the troubles of theirs… it’s such an incredible gift for everyone involved! As for running…. ughhh the feel of wind going through my hair and in and out of my lungs as my body rhythmically moves over the ground’s surface, feet gliding, heart pumping, sweat dripping, all the worries and stress from everything I’ve carried just melting away as I talk to God and clear my mind. So many times I left some of my greatest fears and challenges out on the roads, hills, and trails of various cities throughout the Bay Area. Both aspects of my life have become such a relief during some of the most seriously trying times that I’ve experienced. Had I not had God, these two aspects, and my mother during the season, I really don’t know how I would’ve coped.

While on the phone with my dad, he made the promise to stay in contact with me so that we could build the relationship that the little

girl in me so desperately desired.

(The only photo I have of my dad and me when I was about 2 or 3 years old)

In that he promised me a new iPhone and said he would cover the bill so that I could afford to be able to talk to him more often. I was SO excited! Here I was, working my butt off at a coffee shop, doing random house sits for people, having constant shifts in my living space, and still trying to take care of the kitty house all while dealing with car issues and being drained of my finances to find I was barely able to buy food, let alone pay my own cell phone bill. Here was my dad, this man that I so desperately wanted to get to know and forgive for what he had done to me and he was offering me the relationship that I wanted along with something that so many people were trying to obtain at the same time, a new iPhone 4s! I felt like I had suddenly been promoted from scroungy servant girl (Believe me I looked like a hot mess half the time unless I was working or performing) to a new level of princess! It felt like life was finally smiling on me!

During the call, I found out so many things about him and where he had been over the years. He informed me that he had been ordained as a priest for the church of Whales (mind you this man is a compulsive liar, so I still don’t believe this) and owned a T-shirt company that he was getting ready to sell, so that he could move to the mainland (from Hawaii). Before we got off the phone, he told me that he was going to call Verizon and set up a way for me to obtain a phone and that he would call me a soon as it was ready! Wow! What is this really happening? I couldn’t believe a single word that I was hearing! My dad… He wanted a relationship with me, to get to know me, and provide for me!

After the phone call, I went kept working at the coffee shop, and continued working on a production at CCC that I had been invited to come back and perform in as one of my previous characters, Cami in “Rockin at Richmond High.”

Throughout this time, I was getting ready to run yet another event, the San Francisco Marathon. This event held a special place my heart, since it was going to be the first full marathon that I would get the honor of running with my mentor and godmother! The show went on during the beginning phases of my training, So I made sure to take it easy so that I could focus on the show and then have the energy to dive full throttle into preparing for the marathon. Meanwhile, things at home began to fall apart.

The lady that I was taking care of the kitties for had decided that it was time for me to go. While there were issues on both sides that I prefer not to get into at this time, I will definitely say that there were things that I did that weren’t right and left her upset (for some reasons that she definitely had a right to be upset about and I would honestly try to fix if I could) there are also things that she did to me that left me emotionally scarred yet again. Put it this way, I had a tendency to act as though people owed me something because I had been abandoned and abused. Though my actions weren’t necessarily intentional, I had a tendency to take advantage of situations when people would give me things. I didn’t know when to stop letting people give things to me, and often found ways to manipulate in order to survive. This poor woman suffered the consequences of my internal baggage. At the same time living there, was a good taste of what goes around comes around. I used to verbally bash people behind their backs and even to their faces. I was not a nice person by any means! I went around praising God, but was so mean and hateful towards myself and the world around me. While living there, I received a good taste of my own medicine both to my face and behind my back which scarred my reputation with a lot of people, and left me hating myself even more. The blessing from all this? Well, it was through this season that I learned to treat people with kindness. If I had not lived there and dealt with that, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I’ve now learned to use my words to uplift and to heal instead of tear down and injure. While I’m still a work in progress, I have come journeys away from where I used to be!

A few days after my performance in “Rockin’ at Richmond High,” I received yet another call from my dad. He told me to go to the Verizon wireless in El Cerrito where I would be able to obtain my brand new phone! I remember walking in and being so awe struck and excited! I told the girl who was getting my phone about the story, and she almost started crying! The whole experience was like something out of a movie! As soon as I walked out of the store, I called my dad, and we were officially connected! I no longer had to deal with a cell phone that kept breaking and could call people without worrying about being able to afford my bill!

Then, it was time to head back home to face a new moving situation.

I packed my things and soon after moved in with my mom in Berkeley where she was informed she too had to find a new place to live because they were going to be renovating her apartment complex. With nowhere to go, we prayed and searched, and finally I received an email from brother Bob containing some craigslist links to apartment rentals in Crockett. Thankfully, my mom went out to see one, I came to see it soon after, and we both fell in love with what would soon be our new home! We packed our things, and moved to Crockett, Ca and to the place that bears so many horrific memories for me. At the same time, it’s the place that I found the greatest level of healing.

For now, I feel that this is a good place to stop. As you can see, my life has been a bit of a whirlwind. Great news is, I’ve had Jesus all along! It’s through my trials that I have learned some of the most valuable lessons. I’ve learned to love myself and to treat others with kindness at all times, and best of all… I’ve learned to rely on God and not my own devices in order to survive which is exactly why I’m leaving my current situation in silence. It’s in this time of silence that I know I’ll hear gods voice clearly and I’ll be able to report to you all the wonderful victory that He has prepared out for me!Until next time… God bless and stay strong!

Pursuing Dreams in the Midst of Tragedy: Part 6 of My Journey

Standard

Hey all I’m back again and I’m just going to dive right in where I last left off. As I mentioned in my last post, I really don’t want to discuss the goings-on in my current life because in all honestly this has become very dark season for me and I really want to focus on God and what He can do instead of venting and talking about my problems to you all.

Anyhow, I left off in my last post at the point where my world seemed to be falling apart. I was just informed that I had to leave the mobile home I was staying in and there was a possibility of eviction for my mom in the home that she was in on the same property. At the same time, I was preparing to host a race to raise funds for Teen Challeng for their human trafficking division, my finances went from being abundant to next to nothing and having to borrow money, and I also had been cast as one of the leads in a show called “Rivets” which is a show I had been wanting to perform in since the moment I saw it. On top of everything else, my health was beginning to go downhill. I had a nagging injury that caused me to limp a lot, and I began to struggle with post marathon depression and an eating disorder.

There were also elements that I did not bring up in my last post. You see, just prior to the marathon I was informed that my grandfather that I had just been reunited with had been diagnosed with cancer. Shortly after his diagnosis, I had to borrow money from him which was the LAST thing I ever wanted to do. This was a total nightmare!!

Meanwhile, in the middle of preparing for the fundraiser race, my computer totally crashed! It literally felt like all hell had broke loose in my life!

The second week of June 2011, I completely packed my things and moved in with a friend and her daughter. This was supposed to be for a very limited amount of time. While I was there, she was trying to help me find a new job because the restaurant wasn’t giving me enough hours. She wanted me to drop the show, quit running and forget about hosting the race. She said that I needed to get my things in line first before I try to pursue those areas. The problem with that was, I was already committed to the show, hosting the race, and to training for another marathon in an attempt to qualify for the Olympic trials. For me to drop those commitments during a very devastating point in my life would not have been psychologically healthy for me. I felt that I needed to continue to work at the restaurant and look for a different job that would allow me to be off in time to go rehearsals and provide a way for me to save up money. While this woman was most definitely wanting the best for me, I couldn’t mentally handle losing anything more at that time. Mornings I continued to put in my two- plus hour training runs, I spent the afternoons rehearsing alone, preparing for the fundraiser and looking for work. In the evenings, I went to rehearsals with my dear friend Irena who soon became like a sister to me.

June 25th, The day of the fundraiser came. Hardly anyone showed up. Thankfully, some of my dearest friends (including Irena and the amazing woman that would later be called my godmother) came and supported the event, otherwise it would’ve been a total flop. Katrina and I raised about $400, which was a TOTAL blessing, however I was so disappointed in myself for not doing better. I wanted so badly to do much more for Teen Challenge because I felt that this was my way of indirectly reaching out to my troubled loved one. That day also marked the day when the pain in my leg started to increase…. I had no idea how bad this would eventually get.

After the event, I did my best to shrug off what I felt was failure and focused on my next tasks which were the show and finding work/ a new place to live. July 13, opening night of the show came… that morning, I was informed that I was to find a new place to live that weekend. Also, just as I was about to start getting ready, I received news that my mom had been evicted from her home and was living in her car with my troubled loved one. I was shattered…. Devastated. I had no idea where I was going to go, I was worried sick about my mother, I was so angry and bitter at my troubled loved one for letting things go as far as they did and for not cleaning up. At the same time, I hated the drug that held her captive. Also, my weight had plummeted and I didn’t see myself as too thin. Anorexia athletica had set in.

I remember standing in front of the mirror and professor McKarthy came in to try to get everybody ready. She sensed something was off with me. I just broke and told her everything that had been happening. She stood and looked at me in utter shock, gave me a hug and not knowing exactly how else to respond… told me it was ok to pull myself together and to go ahead and just get on out there. Curtain came up, the show went on, and I have to say that was the best decision I ever made. Never have I felt more alive and more like myself then when I’m performing. My love for the stage, for performing arts… that was it… I was doing exactly what I felt (and still feel) that was created to do!

The following day, professor David came in and said that he felt that I needed some cheer. What a sweetheart! He handed me a brand new pallet of eyeshadow so I could do my makeup properly! Perfect timing too, because I didn’t have proper make up the night before. I felt my mind slowly slipping as I waited backstage to go on. I began to sing “In my own little corner, in my own special chair, I can be anything I want to be.“ From a movie remake of Cinderella. PTSD was beginning to take its toll. I had no idea what that was or that I ever suffered from it until recently.

Closing night came, and my mom informed me that after finding drug paraphernalia in her car, she had had it. She finally left my troubled loved one at a neighbor’s house and decided it was time to let her take care of herself since she was not ready to let go of the addiction. She and I spoke about what we would do the next day. She had nowhere to go, and as of the following day I didn’t have anywhere to go either. I was set up for an interview at a salon in Lafayette, so we decided to head out there in the morning and discuss living situations that afternoon.

The following morning, I packed up my things in my moms car, we went for a training run at my favorite local park, and I prepared for my interview. I was such a wreck when I showed up to the interview that the lady totally turned me down. I don’t blame her either. Shortly after that, I received a phone call from my professor who reached out and really tried to help us. She gave me some information in regards to some shelters and told me to call if I needed anything. Her kindness and her heart was more than I could’ve asked for during that time.

Just after her phone call I received an email from the woman I had been staying with saying that there was a woman in the church that I used to attend that was looking for a live-in house sitter. She needed someone to live in her home and take care of her four cats and home while she was away on business during the week. She would be home on weekends and the person would remain in the home. This job was a temporary assignment while she worked out of town, however, it was a job and place to stay. She gave me her email and I contacted the woman right away. I exchanged emails back-and-forth with back and forth with the woman I’ll just call “the kitty lady.” We arranged a time that day to meet and discuss the possibility of my taking the job. Upon meeting her, it appeared that I had received the job. However, it wasn’t to start until the following day. That evening, mom and I headed out to my grandparents in Cameron Park to spend the night and figure out what we were going to do.

The following day, we returned it to the Bay Area. After some prayer and consideration, I told my mom to let me call her employer and offered to talk to the company that she cleans apartment buildings for to see if they might allow her to work as a property manager in exchange for part of the rent and she could pay the rest. At first she resisted, but I told her that I was willing to speak and that she didn’t have to say anything. During the phone call, they told me to go into the office and they would see what they could do. We pulled up, I walked in, and shaking I asked to speak with the manager of the office. After I explaining to him what was going on, he took compassion on my mother and gave her an incredible deal allowing her to stay in an apartment they were just about to remodel on a temporary basis. Yes, both living situations were temporary, but they were just in the nick of time!

We then raced off to meet the kitty lady where she officially invited me to take the job. I then went and retrieved the rest of my belongings and I headed off to my new home in Pinole. Finally… some hope! Or so it seemed.

Now, I’ll have to stop here for now. As I’ve said many times, thank you all for joining me as I share my story. I hope that you all have a blessed weekend and I hope you continue to join me as I share many ups and downs that God has brought me through. Until next time, God bless!

This was one of the blessings in the middle of the storm! One of the cast members of Rivets happens to be related to MC Hammer! He came and saw the performance, and the cast got to meet him!

Valentines Day: My Thoughts Along With Part 5 of My Story

Standard

Valentine’s Day… yep… here it comes again! This holiday carries a bitter sweet tone for me. Bitter, because love has been a not so cool topic with me as far as the guy and girl relationship area goes. Looking back, I can see that every relationship I’ve had has turned out to be a disaster. I don’t recall ever having a Valentine’s Day that actually went smoothly in the relationship department. I have always experienced some sort of heartbreak as far as men go on that specific day; even when I was in my long-term relationship. Thankfully, the Lord has healed me of that. So… the sweet part of this holiday is that I’ve learned to give my heart to those who actually have been there for me and who truly mean the world to me. People like my family and my dearest friends. I make this the time of year when I can find ways to be a blessing to them and give them the love that I never received on that day. Plus… my mom is the most adorable human being in the world and always finds little ways to make each holiday special, so I look forward to this especially on Valentine’s Day! Also, since my last name is Barnhart (I know… Hart not heart… too bad sounds the same)… I have a fixation with hearts! Valentines Day gives me the perfect opportunity to find all the heart shaped dishes and various other items that have hearts on them, and, if I have the money, I buy them so I can have them for when I move out into place of my own.

As for the relationship department with me… hmmm well… I’ve been single for about six years now. And while having a relationship would be nice, I’ve learned to wait for God’s time and trust His plan. I’ve had a bad habit of chasing after what I think I want. Then, it either turns out that the person totally doesn’t like me and I make a fool of myself or I end up with someone who is just wrong for me. As for those who have pursued me, put it this way, I haven’t been pursued very much, but when I have been it’s usually by someone that I’m not that interested in and/ or they’re really creepy guys. This has been a weird pattern in my life. I’m talking all. out. creepers… the kind who think that if they keep nudging and keep bugging that they are going to get what they want even though I have bluntly told them no. Manipulative ones, the perverted ones, the stocker ones, I could elaborate more, but I’ll just leave it at that. This time, I’m waiting on God to open the right door at the right time. Yes, I’m 34. No, this does not make me an old maid. Besides, with the way that my life has been, it would take a very special person to really truly love and accept me for me.

As for my life as it is right now. Every day has been a challenge. I continue to face each challenge as it comes, asking God for the strength to keep pressing on. Honestly, I just don’t want to go into details about anything right now because I want to stop talking ABOUT my mountains and allow the God who can do ANYTHING to move them for me and help me get the strength to do what I can in order to help them move.

Now, It’s time to continue where I left off in my journey in my last post. I had just finished the Oakland marathon and was facing some very uncertain times. For those of you who have joined me so far, thank you so much and I hope that you continue to bear with me as I share many struggles, heartaches as well as triumphs that have been tools that God has used to help mold and make me into the person I am today. In essence, I hope that sharing my story will help anyone who’s going through a dark time to find a ray of hope in Christ and be able to move forward to do the impossible with their lives.

My Story Part 5

Marathon recovery, what a rough and rigid time! Those of you who have actually run any sort of race for the first time well know that the day after can be a little challenging to face due to muscle recovering. With a marathon, I have to say it was one of the most challenging recoveries I had ever been through. There I was, just shoved out of my own home due to trials with my troubled loved one, living in a mobile home on the property where I had to heat up water to take a bath, spent days at a time alone, and was facing some of the worst physical and emotional pain I had ever been through. You see, the day after the marathon my legs were completely swollen and sore. I tried to do a nice light walk/jog to shake out my legs and help fluids move properly in my body. While doing so, the injury that occurred when I fell on my back during training in the dog park reared its ugly head! My left leg was in pain!!! I had felt it start to bother me during the last portion of the marathon, but I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten. I pushed through, went back to the mobile home, took an ice bath and tried to occupy myself mentally as best as I could.

That afternoon, I received a phone call from the restaurant that I had just gotten hired at. The manager there wanted me to start work that night but I just couldn’t do it. I had to let her know that I couldn’t start until my actual start date. This automatically set a bad tone at my new job. The next few days, I spent alone in the mobile home. I continued to push myself to go for walks and runs. I did some cross training and weightlifting. I tried reading the word of God and praying but all I could do was cry. I was so hurt, alone and bitter.

I went to my last day of work at Hometown buffet where the pressure had just gotten out of control. Management had been over oppressive and overloading all of the employees. I finally broke and snapped at one of the managers and he told me to clock out early. My last day at a company that I had worked for for nearly four years, a company were people had become like a family to me… ended in a way I never wanted it to. The following day I started work at the new restaurant. I went from serving tables at hometown 3-4 days a week and making over $70 in a night in tips to working 2 days a week busing tables and making $5 -$20 a night in tips if I was lucky. Slowly things went downhill. My car began to need work. This became a more frequent issue. All the money I had saved while working at Hometown quickly vanished. It finally got to the point where a friend of mine who actually helped me get the new job out of the kindness of his heart came out and tried to help me. Like a big brother, he dropped by provision for food and helped with getting my car fixed. I was (and am) so grateful for this man. The new job was a blessing because it got me away from the craziness at hometown and the oppressive hand that was there while giving me the hope of learning to become a server and make more money than I was making at hometown. The problem is, little did I know, the restaurant was slowly going downhill.

As all of this was happening, I found release and the performing arts and ended up scoring one of the lead roles in my second performance at Contra Costa College. I drove myself into running, performing, helping at youth group at Hilltop Community Church and (with a dear friend of mine) continued putting together a fundraiser race to help raise money for Teen Challenge to build a home for refugees of human trafficking in the Bay Area.The thrill of the stage (living out my lifelong dream of becoming an actor) along with the opportunity to raise funds for cause I am very passionate about was such an amazing blessing to have! Business, it was the only thing keeping me from losing my mind despite the physical pain, financial struggles, and family drama that was going on around me…. I mean… While I lived in a different building, I still lived on the same land plot as my trouble loved one. This meant I wasn’t completely free from dealing with constant fear of what might happen next. Lack of control began to take a serious toll on my nutrition. I started eliminating fats that I needed and would only eat what I considered healthy, vegetarian meals. I was just destroying myself and I didn’t even know it.

Slowly, in the back of my mind, I began to remember the encouraging words of a few people during my time of serious competitive racing. I was encouraged to pursue the Olympics. I had always wanted to be an Olympian growing up. I admired the ice skaters and later the gymnasts. The funny thing is, I was not a serious athlete by any means until I became an adult. At the same time, I figured that if this was being brought up to me, somehow there must be some sort of potential that someone saw me. So… I started taking those comments very seriously. I signed up for USA track and field, however like a very uneducated individual that area, I didn’t go to very many of their events. I chose instead to local fundraising races trail races such as the Lake Chabot half marathon that my godmother and godfather took me out to run for my birthday. I kept thinking that God uses the foolish things of the world… right?

It was during the Chabot Challenge event that I completely and totally fell in love with the trails! I found a sense of strength that I never knew I had! Despite the pain in my left leg, I pushed up giant hills and joyfully flew down the other sides! It was raining and the I could feel the soft dirt underneath my feet, the patches of mud that nearly trapped my legs at times, the wind going past my face and the air filling my lungs, rain dripping all over my face… all while experiencing the views of God’s amazing natural beauty… (deep breath) I can most feel every moment of that races as I imagine it now! Despite how beautiful and wonderful that event was, part of me so badly wanted it to be over. At just the last mile, I crossed a bridge and looked up to see my godfather cheering me on with amazing enthusiasm! That big smile on his face coaching me on my kick,”kick it in! Kick it in! Keep pushing!” He was there at just the right moment, when I was ready to give up, and helped give me that extra energy that I needed to just push through and make it to place 2nd in my age group and 7th overall female. After the big finish, we went on to spend time with my God grandmother and then had our first meal together at a place called China House! At the restaurant, my godmother and I shared a big plate of steamed rock cod, rice, and steamed vegetables. My body soaked up every bit of nutrient that I took in at that table! It was probably the first solid, real, well-rounded meal I had eaten in a long time! This was followed by big bowls of frozen yogurt! The amazing race was one thing, but the fellowship along being trusted and welcomed into their lives was irreplaceable.This was all during a time when our friendships were just barely beginning. The thing is, something in my spirit told me that this would be the best friendship that I ever had with any people in my entire life! While at the time they were not considered my godparents, God was helping us come together and get to know one another to a point of what would later lead to them calling me their God daughter and me having the honor of calling them my godparents.

After the event, I returned home to more craziness. I was soon scheduled to do a house it up the street. During that time, I was given another opportunity to run a race with my godmother and I had auditioned for and scored yet another lead role and another major production at Contra Costa College. This was a production that I had been wanting to be in since the first time I saw it… “Rivets” written by one of my favorite professors at school.

At the end of the House sit, I packed my things, went back to the mobile home, and found that there had been severe trouble on the property due to some people my troubled loved one was involved with. As a result, the possibility of eviction had arisen. I was also informed that I needed to leave the mobile home because it was a temporary agreement, so I packed my things and search for a new place. Thankfully, a woman that I knew from church and the race field was kind enough to let me stay in her spare room for a very short period of time. What a mess! Here I was, trying to finish preparing for the fundraising race, still trying to heal from thatnagging injury, getting ready to do another performance, job slowly falling apart, me barely able to make ends meet, my family life shattered, and on top of everything else it was time for me to leave again.

For now, I will leave you all at this point. I hope that my trials are not freaking you out, but rather that they are giving you some sort of courage to face whatever you’re dealing with today! Lord willing, I’ll continue my journey next week! Until then, God bless!