The Moment I grew an Emotional Back Bone: Part 10 of My Journey

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Hey all, it’s been a crazy couple of weeks here! Just being real, I’ve been in state of morning for about a week now. Last week on my way out for the day, I received a phone call informing me that someone that was an incredible mentor of mine had passed away about a month ago. Out of respect for his wishes, not many people were informed right away. Also, out of respect for his wishes and his family‘s wishes, I’m choosing to refrain from saying who this is. I will say though that he had a profoundly positive impact on my life. There are many positive avenues I never would have taken had it not been for this man. He stood by me and told me to grab my boot straps and keep pressing on during some of the most devastating seasons in my life. I’ve been so shaken from the news combined with the craziness of my current circumstances that I literally couldn’t think straight for a few days. My eating patterns were out of control, and PTSD hit hard. I’ve done everything I can to continue to nourish myself, so those of you worried that I’m getting back into ED (eating disorder/ anorexia) patterns, know that it’s really not the case. I’ve just become very scattered and messy again. I can’t stand being messy and feeling dirty. Just feels like I’ve been dragged through the mud and back. Again, I’m sparing you all the details right now and continuing to pray and seek God for His wisdom and direction in how to make it through this.

when I left off in my journey last week, I was getting ready to run the San Francisco Marathon. I was so excited that my dad had promised to be there at the finish line! In my minds eye, I saw us having a victory meal with my Godmother. At the same time, I’d gotten injured again, this time at the coffee house. My dad was repeatedly calling me with horrible phone calls about the chaos going on in his home and repeatedly dumping a bunch of his garbage and drama on me like I was his counselor. Yes, as his daughter, I tried to be there and listen as best as I could. The problem is, he never wanted to hear about my life. All he wanted to talk about was himself and all the things he used to have and how horrible his life was at that time. I would listen for hours to him talking bitterly about my family. Every now and then I got the opportunity to share just a little bit about myself, then the conversation got redirected back to him. Now… on to part 10 of my journey.

Part 10 of my Journey

Marathon day! There’s so much energy and excitement around the approach of such an amazing event!

(Me with my beloved god-family)

This event was bittersweet for me. It was sweet because I got to run it with my godmother. Bitter because as the clock ticked down and marathon day came… dad was a no-show. From that point on after that he would Call me when he was stressed out, or come out to see me when he needed to get away and needed me to be there for him. All that kept going through my mind was “what about you being there for me?”… I Started seeing Dr. Runco again, and begged God daily for my health to come back. Meanwhile, still stuffing my head full of new age. I do the meditated on myself and all my dreams like a total narcissist!

My family management Business picked up so much in fact that I was working off and on from 4 AM until almost 10pm on some days. Still training for random races, and constantly on the go.

(Me next to the Honda Fit after a race victory)

I started going back to the doctor in El Cerrito because I felt guilty that Dr. Runco was helping me pro bono at the time (this is no longer the case which makes me feel a lot better). I spent more money on doctor visits and grabbing food to go being that I lived nowhere near where I worked, so the financial struggles raged. And, yet another wave… I received news that my sister was going to have a baby! I completely freaked out! I knew something was up, my mom had been awkwardly silent for over a week. If anyone knows my mom, they know that when she’s holding something in, she’s like a little volcano just waiting to irrupt!

As Thanksgiving drew near, my heart was so cold toward my sister. My mom wanted to spend turkey day with her, however, this meant not getting to have thanksgiving with a very good friend of mine. It’s amazing how God works though! I surrendered my plans, ran the turkey trot that Thanksgiving in Pinole and went back home to help mom prep dinner to bring to Refugio Park being that we still were not to have my sister at our house. As a matter of fact, she didn’t even know where we lived. This began a process of miraculous heart change in me.

As we sat there and ate, I looked across the table, and all I could think is “my baby sister is going to have a baby… Lord, we need a miracle!” After dinner we walked around the park, and for the first time in a long time I enjoyed being in my sister’s company. God was totally melting my heart. As Christmas drew near, I continued to push myself to train, still battled with injury, continued to overwork myself between family management, housesitting and pet sits… All while diving deeper into New Age, meditation, and focusing on being successful. I was a “spiritual” Christian. Sure… I really needed to check myself!

Christmas approached, the decision was made to invite my dad to Christmas dinner. This was to be set up just like Thanksgiving day, being that my sister still was not allowed to know where we lived and my mom requested that my dad never know where we live. Apparently, we didn’t think to check the weather report. It was pouring outside! As he sat in the park in our cars and waited for my dad to show up, I received a call from him asking where we were. Apparently he was right up the street from my house And needed to know exactly which one it was. Ummm what? I had told him we were having dinner in the park. Also, I NEVER told him where we lived. The closest place he’d ever been was the dead fish. I shrugged it off and gave him directions to the park. He pulled up next to me and was seriously angry… again! Completely outraged he drove off saying he needed to go to the bathroom as we sat in the rain and waited.

Yet, another long story cut short he agreed to come back we ate dinner then, agreed to go to a Denny’s so we could dry off and warm-up. We all sat around the table, And I was so excited to finally just have some peace and family time… However, as we were talking he showed me on his iPhone that he had known what I was on numerous occasions. He proceeded to tell me that he’d known where was when I was living in San Diego Long before we’ve ever reunited. My gut sank. This only confirmed what he told me on my birthday.

Late that night we all parted ways. Life went on.. And the new year came. While on a casual fun jog with my friend Katrina, we exchanged belated Christmas gifts. She gave me the book “Quantum Faith” and a book that set my course back on Christ’s track called “shadow boxing.” The Lord quickly showed me that the meditation I was doing in the morning was not from Him. He continued to reveal to me that I was on a spiritual down spiral, and because of that my life was I’m down spiral. I started feeling more and more tension in the air. I received calls on numerous occasions from my dad who was incredibly stressed out from work (helping my Aunt V deliver Mercedes Benz to various customers) and my aunt not paying him. That along with all the things that he was dealing with that home. Apparently, there was a lot of family drama at my grandmother’s house… But what was I supposed to do? I tried to be compassionate and listen, however how could I when he Didn’t even take a second thought to what I might be going through!!! It was always all about him and what he needed and how hard his life was! Then, he kept complaining that he couldn’t pay my cell phone bill and he couldn’t cover car payment. It was a constant Back-and-forth with the car. A constant tug of war. I felt bad for taking the car in the first place especially after finding that he couldn’t afford it. Then, chaos hit in my family management business, and after seeking out spiritual counsel from a leader at my church I was advised to step back from it. Out of faith, I stepped back and not even two weeks, later I received a phone call from my dad. He needed to “borrow” the car so that he could sleep in it because things at home had gotten really bad. Apparently my aunt V had serious drug issues that wreaked havoc on the house hold. I was still working and needed the car to drive from family to family at least until the end of that month. So, I asked him if he could kindly wait at least another week or two to let me finish work. This made him mad, and he insisted that I leave the car at an agreed location with the keys under the floor mat.

After I agreed, he kept changing days for me to leave the car, and I asked him to wait…. Finally, I was finished with work anyway…. I was also fed up with back-and-forth calls about the car. I took the car to the dealership and tried to return it to them. They wouldn’t take the car because I wasn’t the one who bought it. I called him and he asked to talk to them. I put them on speakerphone, and he thought I just handed the phone to the guy. He then told them I was his daughter and I took/ stole his car and wouldn’t give it back! They wouldn’t take it, Drama,drama,drama!!!

At this point I just wanted to be done with it! As a result of the car drama, I ended up calling the police because he was calling and harassing me. During two of the phone calls he had the nerve to say we couldn’t have a relationship because people were accusing him of what he had done to me as a child…. I stopped him right there! I told him he was not going to make me feel bad for what he did to me! it was his choice to hurt me and he was not going to make me feel like it was my fault! I remember being outraged and screaming at him …telling him he had the opportunity have a second chance. I went on to say that I forgave (and still forgive) him however he had to make the choice to forgive himself, and he wasn’t allowed to manipulate me into pretending like it didn’t happen so he could have peace at home. This whole situation sent me into an emotional whirlwind! Apparently he was on speaker phone and my grandma heard all of this! What a mess! I felt as if my entire childhood had happened all over again!!! Here I was… Mentally and emotionally raped…. repeatedly… it was all my fault… my dad was going to make sure my family hated me because of what HE had done! (Deep breath… just. Stop. Just. Breathe)

I made sure I gave him the car just as he requested by leaving it across the street from The Dead Fish restaurant with the keys under the floor-mat. Then, he sent me an email saying how sorry he was and he wanted to give me my car back. I followed the advice given to me by a brother in the Lord who is a law enforcement officer… It was time to stop the harassment, manipulation, stocking, and mental abuse! It was time for me to grow a backbone. It was time to stand up for myself once and for all! I started the process of getting a restraining order and once in place, I was no longer able to call my grandmother being that he lived there. I wept for days. There were even times when I was so mentally distraught that I bashed my own head into the wall repeatedly, crying hysterically. Out of work… Living in Crocket with no vehicle, my family…. my grandma… taken from me. I’d like to say that I got right back up, dusted the dirt off my shoes and acted like I could do anything and just moved forward with courage and the power of God… After all, at this point I was in the word a lot more. I had returned fully to the Lord, and turned my ways from all the New Age and all the meditation…. But I was broken, wounded, devastated! I remember bashing my head against the wall and weeping asking God “WHYYYYY?” however, God showed me that for the first time in my life I had finally stood up to the first person to ever victimized me. I went right into the enemy’s camp and declared “I’m NEVER going to take this from ANYONE again!” Instead of the court system not hearing my testimony, this time I got to stand up and say what had been done. No longer was I going and heard!

Funny, the lyrics to the song “I’m coming home” (my Greyhound benchmark song) go through my mind this time. All my life I wanted to know my dad. As I grew older I kept wanting to heal the wounds….so, like the song says”be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all, and then some you don’t want.” Yeppp! I got just that!

While still in the paperwork/ court process of getting the restraining order, a ray of hope shown… My sister made the decision to get into a program! This was a long process, yet it finally happened! I stood by my word to be there by her side every step of the way. Meanwhile, I was invited by a friend to start selling some healthcare products. New business along with the rebuilding of family. Hmmmm finally some real hope!

My sister and I began to build a relationship… A real relationship… “Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of you heart.” Psalm 37:4 . Then, a phone call came late one night. It was my sister, and she was in labor!! My old attitude flared up like i had a right to tell God that it was too late at night to be going to the hospital! Then, I heart checked. This was the moment I’d waited for since my sister was little… the momen I could be there when she needed me the most! I wasn’t going to miss this! Mom and I raced to the hospital in Martinez where my sister was in labor. I tried to catch some z’s in the chair next to her which ended up being only slightly successful. Then, drama… the little guy’s heart beat was struggling, so they had to do a cesarian. May 10, 2013 (just two days before Mother’s Day) My beautiful nephew and light of my life was born!

I’ve never seen my mom so tired yet smiling so big! All of the trials, chasing my sister, trying to rescue her, the prayers, the tears came to this one brilliant moment, in one beautiful baby boy! That  same day, I started the process of getting my nutritional care business started. There’s always blessings in the storm! That baby boy, my little miracle nephew is a God send to our family!

My heart continues to melt like butter for my sister and that precious baby… Boo Bear and Little Dude… I never dreamed this could be possible. Yet, with Christ… You know it goes!… Thus, a new chapter full of hope began to unfold! It seemed as though I was going to have it all, as you all well know, that isn’t always the case.

Right here is another good stopping point. Thankfully, one of the heaviest parts of my journey has now been exposed. Again, I don’t write this for pity. If anything, I want you to see God‘s strength in me! My life is no worse or better than anyone else’s. One thing I will say though is that I don’t think I could’ve made it one single day without the presence of God in my life! For that, I’m eternally grateful! Until next time, God bless, thank you for joining me in this journey, take care, and please do let me know if there’s anyway I can pray for any of you!

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The Face Belonging to the Voice: Part 9 of my Journey

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Well, here I am after a few weeks of stepping back from the blog. As you all can see, diving into my journey has been a bit heavy for me. Meanwhile, things at home have been challenging to say the least. Honestly, it’s been as though hurricane has hit my life and it’s taking every bit of me to stand my ground. As I’ve stated in my previous posts, I’m really trying to keep quiet about what I’m dealing with. I know that God is a powerful God and that he will see me through this time. I just hope that somehow, someway, my Journey will encourage those of you who actually read it find strength on your own path. Also, I hope that it helps you see that I was there and every moment at all times, He is always there! Without further ado…

Part 9 of my Journey

Stable home. Finally! Mom and I had a stable home! On top of it, I was finally in contact my dad and believed that I was on the road to a healed relationship with him. It was, April 2012, mom and I had just moved out to Crockett, other than issues that kept rising with my sister… life just seemed like it was finally coming together!

Now, my dad and I were continuing to talk. I did take some caution in completely connecting with him because of some prior discussions my grandmother and I had had. She warned me that he suffered from extreme schizophrenia and temperament issues. She also solidified what I had learned growing up from my mom and some of my own experiences that he was a compulsive liar. So, when I actually received the iphone, I started to begin to believe that he wouldn’t want to lie to me. I did try to keep myself guarded, however at the same time the little girl me so desperately just wanted daddy.

In the conversations that we had, he would tell me about how he wanted to move to the mainland again and was tired of how expensive everything was on the islands. He said he had an extremely successful T-shirt selling business and he wanted to sell it because he really felt it was time to come out to California, to his family, and restore the lost years. Something in my spirit knew that the whole situation was just a little off. I wanted to believe him, but the same time everything I’d known about him told me not to. As life went on, I continued to work at the coffee house, did house sits, started working for my dear friend that I met while working a 24 hour fitness as his 2nd admin assistant/ house manager, and trained for the San Francisco Marathon.

Soon, my dad finally said that he was actually going to move! It was SO surreal to me. I still didn’t believe any of this was happening. Then, some time in May, in the middle of the night, I received a phone call from him saying that he was at the Oakland airport and that nobody was there to pick him up. I offered to get him even though I had to work early the next day… “n no b b butter cup.” He stuttered. “J just go back to b bed.” He sounded really stressed out, and I asked if he was sure but he insisted that I go back to bed. So, I did just that.

The next day at work I was so excited! I was on a natural high! My dad was finally in California!!! I went all day and didn’t receive a call. Another day went by and still no call. Then another… I tried calling, but no answer. I kept thinking he just wanted to spend time with his family… then my got started to hurt and I felt abandoned. Something was just off.

About a week after his arrival to the states, I was doing a housesit, and it was my birthday (June 2). I received a phone call from my aunt V and she was yelling at me asking what I did to him. She literally went off on me as if I did something wrong. I started crying hysterically and told her I didn’t do anything. I told her what happened and that I offered to go get him when he had arrived, but I hadn’t heard from him since. She calmed down and we ended the phone call.

Right away, I begin trying to call my dad. I emailed him and all I go back was an email saying that he was leaving and there was nothing I could do about it. Finally, when I did get him on the phone, he started saying that my grandma and the rest of the family were asking him questions about what he did to me as a baby. He also claimed that I should’ve gotten him from the airport. “How dare he make this all my fault,” I thought. I reminded him that he told me to just go back to bed. He insisted that as a family member I should have gotten up no matter what he said to go get him. I told him I lived over 45 minutes away from the airport, and he told me that I was lying because he could track my cell phone…. , first off, Crockett is over 45 minutes away from Oakland. Second off, this put a stop to everything. He began to tell me that he’d known where I was my whole life, and that he’d been using my cell phone that he gave me to track where I was. I. Felt. Violated. Devastated. Stalked. Terrified…. He then told me that he wanted his phone and I had to send it back. Thankfully in the middle of the call, my dear friend that I was working for called. He asked why I sounded upset and I explained to him what was happening. He told me to immediately hang up the phone and to refuse to give the phone back because I had my personal information on it. Walked me through the process of turning my GPS off so that he could no longer track me. Then, I switched over, told my dad that I was not giving it back, he was not going to Yell at me and make me feel like his molesting me or him getting stuck at the airport was my fault on my birthday, and that I was not going to be held responsible for him going back to Hawaii. My friend then came over to talk to me. Being someone who himself dealt with some parental issues, he give me some sound advice and I decided to keep the iPhone off and refused to answer calls from my dad.

Just as I was leaving the house sit I had yet another shift at my coffee house job. Not only was I working for my friend, but I was switching coffee house locations in order to keep myself protected from my dad. Since I was working for my friend as his family manager and second personal assistant, he decided to include a cell phone in my pay. Just as I was at the Verizon wireless office to have it set up, I Received a call from my dad saying that he had shown up at the coffee house that I had recently transferred from. They were instructed to tell him that they had no idea who I was. This infuriated him! Long story short my friend and I ended up at the coffee house, told him to either take the iPhone back or at least sign it over so we could put it on a different plan, but he refused. I have to say, seeing him for the first time in over 20 years… the man who stole my virtue before I knew I had it… It was terrifying! On top of already being traumatized, I had to stand my ground as he made complete scene outside of the coffee house. My friend and I were fed up and we went off to get a different cell phone. I gave the iPhone to my friend to hold and cut connections with my dad.

Within a few weeks, I had received an email from my dad apologizing for everything. He wanted to meet up, and have a real birthday dinner and make up for everything. So, I took into consideration that he was in a lot of stress from the move, and I agreed. The meal went wonderfully and I got to learn a lot about him and what he been doing over the years. The things he said I had to be careful to sift between fict and fact… Regardless, I truly felt like this was a positive step forward!

(The first gift I received from my dad person. This was from the Mercedes-Benz dealership that my grandfather worked for before he passed away)

I agreed to turn on my iPhone and keep it on just so he could call me. Meanwhile, he was not allowed to have my work number, Let alone know it existed. I kept the iPhone GPS off, and learned something. The only way I could use my map my run device on my phone is if the GPS was on… So, on the days that I needed to do a long run and need my GPS I would turn it on. This led to another discovery… He would call just after my runs, or on the times that I’d forgotten to turn my GPS off, so, I decided to play a little game. If I didn’t hear from my dad for a few weeks, I turned the GPS on. When he’d call he dumped a boatload of stress and emotional garbage on me like a garbage dump! I was already dealing with things at home, working both jobs, worries if my sister, training, ect… I tried my best to listen, that was all I could do. I felt overwhelmed and hopeless .

Soon, my dad began to promise a car. I already had one so, I was excited but at the same time… I wasn’t too worried about it.

The first week of July, I received an email … and then another one … and another one… each one displaying pictures of a brand new Honda fit… Then, an email with a question saying “which one do you like?” I freaked out! Within a matter of hours he finished the paperwork and send me an email giving me a visual tour of my new car. Almost a week later, I was on my way with him to Folsom lake to pick it up. What I did with my other car, is between me and Jesus. However, I had no idea what I was getting myself into in accepting this vehicle from him. I believe that part of him really did want to be a good father. I believe that he really wanted to make things work after all these years. However I do know that another part of him was being very manipulative in his actions.

(Me and my dad’s scarlet macaw. I was smiling here, but I was so terrified at the same time.)

Just as my family management business was picking up. I got hurt at the coffee house, and made the decision to leave. Hurt again, and training for yet another marathon. Ughhhh! Meanwhile, dealing with stressed out phone calls from my dad…. I switched from seeing Dr. Runco to seeing a different chiropractor in El Cerrito, started not only working in choir but also on the worship team at church, The clock ticked down to marathon day… so much craziness and chaos! I enjoyed being in choir and on the worship team, but the one thing I was REALLY looking forward to seeing my dad at Finishline on marathon day. To me, it was like that little kid inside that always want to daddy’s approval was finally going to get what she wanted!

So I’ll leave off here for now. I apologize if this all seems a bit heavy to you all, however this is the reality I’ve lived. If anything, I hope that my journey inspires you all to move forward nomatter what you’re dealing with!