Here I go procrastinating again! Sorry for being so MIA y’all! I hope all of you have been doing well! As I promised, I’m going to continue with my story. I hope that, again, through the sharing of my trials someone will be encouraged to press on through their own!
In my last post, I left off with the phone call to my dad who I hadn’t spoken to in over 20 years. This is the same man who molested me as a baby, and pretty much robbed me of my chances at purity and security before I even knew what either of those things were. No, he didn’t take my virginity (thank God), however; he did do plenty of other sick and twisted acts that psychologically wounded me in ways I can’t even begin to properly explain. No, no one properly warned me to stay away from him. There were warning tones, little hints, but no one blatantly said , “do not come in contact with him because he is still a psychological wreck.” For me, the little girl inside desired to have that dad that I never knew in my life.
(Photo credit theparentcue.org )
I remember growing up and seeing other little girls with their dads who took them out and did things out of love and not out of some sick twisted desire. Most of my life, I secretly envied those girls who’s dads cared for them, who hung around and listened to them, cheered them on at performances and other events, went and got them cars and took them out on special daddy daughter dates. I will tell you one thing, be careful what you wish for, and don’t ever wish that you had something that someone else has, because jealousy is definitely one of major roots of evil! Now that this is said and done, I’ll continue where I left off!
Part 8 of my journey
Running and the performing arts… these have been major outlets in my life! There’s just something about being on stage and taking yourself into a period of time and into someone else’s world, away from the troubles of your own to help the audience come into that world and escape the troubles of theirs… it’s such an incredible gift for everyone involved! As for running…. ughhh the feel of wind going through my hair and in and out of my lungs as my body rhythmically moves over the ground’s surface, feet gliding, heart pumping, sweat dripping, all the worries and stress from everything I’ve carried just melting away as I talk to God and clear my mind. So many times I left some of my greatest fears and challenges out on the roads, hills, and trails of various cities throughout the Bay Area. Both aspects of my life have become such a relief during some of the most seriously trying times that I’ve experienced. Had I not had God, these two aspects, and my mother during the season, I really don’t know how I would’ve coped.
While on the phone with my dad, he made the promise to stay in contact with me so that we could build the relationship that the little
girl in me so desperately desired.
(The only photo I have of my dad and me when I was about 2 or 3 years old)
In that he promised me a new iPhone and said he would cover the bill so that I could afford to be able to talk to him more often. I was SO excited! Here I was, working my butt off at a coffee shop, doing random house sits for people, having constant shifts in my living space, and still trying to take care of the kitty house all while dealing with car issues and being drained of my finances to find I was barely able to buy food, let alone pay my own cell phone bill. Here was my dad, this man that I so desperately wanted to get to know and forgive for what he had done to me and he was offering me the relationship that I wanted along with something that so many people were trying to obtain at the same time, a new iPhone 4s! I felt like I had suddenly been promoted from scroungy servant girl (Believe me I looked like a hot mess half the time unless I was working or performing) to a new level of princess! It felt like life was finally smiling on me!
During the call, I found out so many things about him and where he had been over the years. He informed me that he had been ordained as a priest for the church of Whales (mind you this man is a compulsive liar, so I still don’t believe this) and owned a T-shirt company that he was getting ready to sell, so that he could move to the mainland (from Hawaii). Before we got off the phone, he told me that he was going to call Verizon and set up a way for me to obtain a phone and that he would call me a soon as it was ready! Wow! What is this really happening? I couldn’t believe a single word that I was hearing! My dad… He wanted a relationship with me, to get to know me, and provide for me!
After the phone call, I went kept working at the coffee shop, and continued working on a production at CCC that I had been invited to come back and perform in as one of my previous characters, Cami in “Rockin at Richmond High.”
Throughout this time, I was getting ready to run yet another event, the San Francisco Marathon. This event held a special place my heart, since it was going to be the first full marathon that I would get the honor of running with my mentor and godmother! The show went on during the beginning phases of my training, So I made sure to take it easy so that I could focus on the show and then have the energy to dive full throttle into preparing for the marathon. Meanwhile, things at home began to fall apart.
The lady that I was taking care of the kitties for had decided that it was time for me to go. While there were issues on both sides that I prefer not to get into at this time, I will definitely say that there were things that I did that weren’t right and left her upset (for some reasons that she definitely had a right to be upset about and I would honestly try to fix if I could) there are also things that she did to me that left me emotionally scarred yet again. Put it this way, I had a tendency to act as though people owed me something because I had been abandoned and abused. Though my actions weren’t necessarily intentional, I had a tendency to take advantage of situations when people would give me things. I didn’t know when to stop letting people give things to me, and often found ways to manipulate in order to survive. This poor woman suffered the consequences of my internal baggage. At the same time living there, was a good taste of what goes around comes around. I used to verbally bash people behind their backs and even to their faces. I was not a nice person by any means! I went around praising God, but was so mean and hateful towards myself and the world around me. While living there, I received a good taste of my own medicine both to my face and behind my back which scarred my reputation with a lot of people, and left me hating myself even more. The blessing from all this? Well, it was through this season that I learned to treat people with kindness. If I had not lived there and dealt with that, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I’ve now learned to use my words to uplift and to heal instead of tear down and injure. While I’m still a work in progress, I have come journeys away from where I used to be!
A few days after my performance in “Rockin’ at Richmond High,” I received yet another call from my dad. He told me to go to the Verizon wireless in El Cerrito where I would be able to obtain my brand new phone! I remember walking in and being so awe struck and excited! I told the girl who was getting my phone about the story, and she almost started crying! The whole experience was like something out of a movie! As soon as I walked out of the store, I called my dad, and we were officially connected! I no longer had to deal with a cell phone that kept breaking and could call people without worrying about being able to afford my bill!
Then, it was time to head back home to face a new moving situation.
I packed my things and soon after moved in with my mom in Berkeley where she was informed she too had to find a new place to live because they were going to be renovating her apartment complex. With nowhere to go, we prayed and searched, and finally I received an email from brother Bob containing some craigslist links to apartment rentals in Crockett. Thankfully, my mom went out to see one, I came to see it soon after, and we both fell in love with what would soon be our new home! We packed our things, and moved to Crockett, Ca and to the place that bears so many horrific memories for me. At the same time, it’s the place that I found the greatest level of healing.
For now, I feel that this is a good place to stop. As you can see, my life has been a bit of a whirlwind. Great news is, I’ve had Jesus all along! It’s through my trials that I have learned some of the most valuable lessons. I’ve learned to love myself and to treat others with kindness at all times, and best of all… I’ve learned to rely on God and not my own devices in order to survive which is exactly why I’m leaving my current situation in silence. It’s in this time of silence that I know I’ll hear gods voice clearly and I’ll be able to report to you all the wonderful victory that He has prepared out for me!Until next time… God bless and stay strong!