Hey all! I’m back again and the holidays have been such a blessed glorious time, however they’ve also been filled with many trials. I ended up not being able to repair my car and the progress I made in walking and running .. well, it’s been a battle to walk again at times. Due to the injury, I’m unable to walk up and down hills which is pretty much all that’s around my home. As a result, I either have to leave with my mom and spend all day out and about sometimes half hobbling while she’s working or stuck inside a tiny apartment unable to leave. Getting to my basic necessities such as groceries and laundry amenities has been a challenge, and it’s been a fight to get out to get treated by Dr. Runco let alone make any other health related appointments. These extremes brought me to a near breaking point today… However, I have fought daily to focus on the things that I CAN do and not on my own misery.
I worked both Christmas Eve and the day before at KMART. What a blessing it was to even have health to be there! Despite the fact that Christmas Eve was a Sunday which is not a day I have in my availability, and one I would normally insist on having off, I decided I needed to be there for my team. On Christmas I was blessed to enjoy the day with family, watching “The Greatest Showman” and really just soaking up good food and fellowship. Honestly, the movie was one of the best I’ve seen in several years!
As for my current predicament, I now face a new year full of uncertainties. The thing is, life has always been full of uncertainties! Nothing is really ever in our control other than how we react now is it? With the new year, comes a date that’s very important to me. As of January 11, 2018, I will be 11 years clean from crystal meth addiction and going into almost one year of being completely weight restored after battling an eating disorder that nearly took my life. So, I’m choosing to celebrate by sharing with you (once again and for those of you who have never read or heard my story) my story of being a victim to abuse and tragedy, and becoming an overcoming victor by the power of God. So… I’ll be breaking this down into pieces seeing that the material that I’m about to expose is quite heavy and not easily digestible to those who have not encountered such events. I know that my life and my trials are nothing compared to many who have most likely experienced much worse, but I hope that in sharing my trials I can give hope to those who read and hear. To those who choose to continue to read, thank you and I hope that you are encouraged!
My story Part I
Traumatized… the story of my life… now… to a point of near breakdown. Here’s review for those of you who have not heard my actual testimony. As a child, I was molested by my father before I was even able to actually walk. Yes… I didn’t even get a chance to know virtue. Though he was removed from my life just before I turned five, this seemed to become the pattern for my life. From that point on, I was verbally abuse and made fun of (to a point of literally peeing my pants out of fear at times), physically abused, and sexually abused by various mentors, other kids and people I trusted throughout my life. This included my stepfather who my mom married when I was nine years old.
While my mom was single, we battled financially. Regardless, she did all that she could to raise me with a strong foundation in Christ, and give me as much as she could as far as material wants and necessities go. The amazing thing is, God always provided not only necessities, but also things that I wanted. I never lacked a single thing!
Just before my mom married, we moved from my hometown of South Lake Tahoe to Las Vegas. When she got married, I was introduced to three new siblings, and she had two more kids. Along with my new family came an introduction into a world of troublesome activities. I started smoking cigarettes and drinking. At the age of 10, smoked marijuana for the first time when I was 12, and tried crystal meth for the first time when I was just 14. Though I did try to stay away from these things by finding outlets through my Love of the performing arts, I kept finding myself slipping into issues with addiction.
As a preteen, our refrigerator broke down and between my food addiction and our constant purchasing of quick easy/unhealthy meals, I began to gain a significant amount of weight. Meanwhile, chaos in the house was out of control! My stepfather had severe addiction issues. At one point, we lost our home and were almost consistently stuck in a cycle of poverty. We had family members and friends moving in and out of our home, and the home was often filled with stress and arguing. My stepbrothers got into some serious trouble that lead to them being tried and imprisoned as adults at a very young age. My family was shattered!
I soon found refuge in school and friends. The problem is, drugs kept calling my name. I smoked marijuana from time to time, started ditching school and tried crystal meth two more times in high school. I also started to look for attention in the wrong guys. That’s when the dieting started. I noticed that the guys I liked had no interest in me, called me chubby and would only look at my boobs when they would speak to me, so I started skipping meals and dieting when I was 14. This became a pattern throughout my time as a teen and young adult.
Flash forward to the end of my senior year…. I was barely passing most my classes, and failing the rest of them. I was also in a really bad relationship with someone I soon relocated to San Diego with. Just before I moved, I received news that my stepfather was leaving my mother for another woman. Like a jerk, I too left her for my own selfish reasons. With the promise of marriage and happier life, I moved away with my so-called love.
Throughout that relationship, I battled severe eating disorders. I went back to school and receive my diploma, overworked myself doing two and three jobs at a time, and went from completely restricting and over exercising to over eating and barely doing anything. Between his lies, cheating (even with people I called friends), verbal abuse, and 2 situations that involved physical abuse along with the serious trust, insecurity, short temper and control issues that I had rooted deep inside of me… the relationship came to a devastating end. My ex and our roommate quickly told me to leave and I was forced to live with a coworker of mine and her family.
The feeling of loss was horrifying! I remember waking up my first time living in my new home… it hurt to open my eyes, to swallow, to breathe, to close my eyes and sleep… life. just. hurt!!!
Shortly after, I ended up hanging out with my ex’s cousin that was a well known meth addict in the area. One night, while he and a buddy were picking some meth up for a friend, they asked me to come along. After they delivered it, they took their share, and we went to the parking lot of a school that was closed where they began to smoke and offered me some. One hit, and I was hooked. The pain was gone! I could stay awake for days and not have to worry about going to sleep and dreaming of my ex or deal with the pain of waking up and not seeing him there next to me. I lost an extreme amount of weight, and had new so-called friends to hang out with and keep my mind occupied. The only time I really felt anything, was when I was coming down. That’s when reality hit, only 10 times worse! So, I went to extreme lengths to maintain my high so I wouldn’t have to face coming down. This is when life got REALLY out of hand!
I then started blowing most of my money on my new addiction. When I couldn’t get that, I started using Ritalin and Adderall to help me stay focused at work ease the pain. I quickly ended up in jail for three days (long enough to know I never want to go there again) and lost my job and my car all in less than a month. My mom soon came to visit me for Thanksgiving, and it was obvious that I had some serious issues. Shortly after her leaving, I lost my home. From the winter of 2005- to January of 2007, I wandered the streets of San Diego couch-surfing, having short-lived moments of living with friends, sleeping in parks, in bushes and on the sides of some of the places that I worked, and even in public restrooms.
I remember one night I was standing, looking at myself in the mirror in the mobile station bathroom in Carmel Mountain with news paper spread on the floor for me to sleep on. I started crying hysterically and asking God why He had to let me lose everything I thought I loved. It was there, in my darkest moment that I heard Him whisper, “I have always love you with an everlasting love!”
Nights I spent on the street were horrifying! Through it all though, I knew someone was praying for me. So many times, I was in situations when I should not of made it out alive, but somehow, someway, I made it through! My life was literally threatened on numerous occasions, I also woke up to find that I’d been sexually messed with in my sleep, ended up stranded in various unsafe locations, friends of mine where not just getting murdered but SLAUGHTERED because of the field that we were in, people around me were going to prison, and the list goes on. Thankfully, I’m alive and here to talk about it to this day! I found out shortly after I got clean that dear friends of my family and I had been woken up promptly at 4 AM repeatedly to pray for me! I know it’s those prayers and the hand of God that saved me and got me through.
Finally, December 2006, I was losing my last job, was getting shoved out of yet another home, and doors of accessed to my addiction quickly were closing. After “accidentally“ missing my first bus to meet my mom for Christmas, I made yet another call to my mom to ask her if I could come “visit“ for a little while. Thus began a new chapter in life I never expected. Then again… most events in life are never expected…
This concludes the first part of my story. To those of you who stuck it out and read, thank you! I can only hope that you can see the hand of God in my life and somehow find some hope for your own life through my story. Though there are details that I didn’t get into due to the traumatic nature of them, I’m always here and always willing to answer any questions you have! As for what I’m doing now, I know one thing is for sure, I’m not giving up! I have made a lot of bad choices, and a lot of bad things have happened to me that were not my choice. My life as of now is a result of a combination of the two. Regardless, I’m taking responsibility for my own life! I’m doing what I can. each moment. of each day. to. just. press. through! I’ll continue with another portion of my journey in my next post. Until then, God bless!