quail… manna….I will see that promised land!

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With the birth of my new nephew and the blessing of having a relationship with my sister… I was on a mission to be a good  example of a big sister… I set out to build that nutrition business! For me, I was so broken inside I was reaching out for any sign of hope. My friend who introduced me to the product truly meant well and in all honesty believes in her product. I, on the other hand, tried the vitamins and had seen it work for other people however, I didn’t thoroughly investigate it for myself…. Feeling strife, I continue to press forward raised the money and got started… However, in the background.. God was honestly telling me to just slow down. That internal reaction I’ve always had to press on,to work hard, to get it done… I had the very Martha syndrome that I accuse my mom of having!While all this is happening, I was helping my mom work Berkeley so that I could at least contribute in some way to the household  and I had a better place to train and to get away from being stuck at home w nowhere to go… I continued pushing forward in this nutrition business that I really didn’t have the heart for. I kept feeling God tell me to pick back up where I left off…. Left off?… Okay, so A few years back the Lord had me sharing my testimony with school groups and youth groups… That along with hosting the race to break the chains to help raise money for teen challenge…. Deep in my heart I’ve continuously felt the Lord call me to run races, host races and do public speaking as a ministry… However, I was still barely getting any of the Word in. Though I had tossed all the New Age theories aside and returned to the Lord, I was still only nibbling on the happy verses! Still so preoccupied with the nutrition business and helping my mom work Berkeley that my heart really wasn’t focused on the Lord. Without the Lord, there’s no ministry. I completely surrendered the idea of ever doing another race again. Worries of finances came in again, living day to day, not knowing how mom and I were going to make ends meet, I started helping out my old landlord with the care of her husband, And while there I began to apply for jobs online. Still so distracted! I started reading all these books by random Christian authors, thinking I was getting enough spiritual food in. Kept trying to get God to be happy with me and my works. Nothing seemed to be working and my life kept going further downhill. I kept allowing the enemy to steal my joy and steal moments that should be incredibly happy with my sister and nephew. Deep inside those daddy wounds began to fester and pus. I kept selfishly pursuing the nutrition line, thinking it was my ticket out. Finally, as mom and I were finishing an account in Berkeley, I began to cry out to the Lord and ask him to do something….. Just like an Israelite in the wilderness! Not even a half hour later, I got a call from a local grocery store saying they would like to interview me. Mom agreed to help me get there, and we hopped right on it! that week I interviewed and I got the job! At this point I was desperate! I made a sacrifice and opened  my schedule so that I could work Sunday afternoons and any hours that they would have me…. Not fully taking in the stressful atmosphere of this job as well as this stress in my surrounding circumstances, I plunged headfirst into another whirlwind! The morning of my orientation for my new job, I spent caring for my  old landlord’s husband . that evening, I went to orientation and returned home to receive the call notifying me that he’d  passed away…. Great, the death of a good friend …during my time of caring for him, I’d become good friends w he and his family. My heart broke…. The job started out wonderfully! Then, things began to change, and they started changing the shifts that I was working. They quickly changed me from the deli to the bakery, and had me working 4 AM shifts and then, would have me flip and do a few closing shifts. Now, opening a bakery is no joke! While I had done this before at Costco, this is on a much different scale. God kept prompting me that I was not where I was supposed to be. However, He did use it to weed some things out of me. Between working the bipolar shifts, the stressful atmosphere at work, the heavy lifting, quick movement, running around the bakery, Having to spend sometimes two or more hours waiting for my mom to come pick me up being that there was no clear bus rout that could get me there sooner, Training while I waited for her, inconsistency in sleep patterns, plus trying to build my nutrition business… What had I gotten myself into? My days off I spent either sleeping or with my mom in Berkeley, Completely drained. Any time spent with my family, I was  over exhausted and grumpy…. My body begin to act up again and injury flared… Then, another wave, my Aunt posted a Notification on my Facebook timeline … It was a newscast about a woman named Wilma Barnhart …. That woman was my step-grandmother on my mom’s side. Apparently, she had been missing for several days…. And within a few days after that, we received notification that she was found and not alive. http://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2013/08/06/missing-grass-valley-woman-kept-diary-of-days-leading-up-to-death/ Betweendealing with the things inside that it built up over the years and the stress of my  circumstances, my emotions were everywhere! Still only nibbling on the Word…. I tried to grab as hold of any sign of a loving God that I could find. I ended up leaving the nutrition business, and focusing on my work at the grocery store which I tried so hard to hold onto… Pressing on through physical pain, emotional pain, stress…. My doctor quickly advised that I get a modified work order. I told them I wanted to wait and I would try to push through. So, I guess you’re wondering what lessons I learned here… Well, I began to have a bad attitude at work about everything. I caught myself complaining on numerous occasions. The Lord help me encourage other people to push through when they were weary… I began to look at every day is a challenge, some sort of a game… I asked The Lord  to show me what challenges I needed to rise up to and how to conquer them in His power! As my attitude  began to change, the pressure began to rise!… My body began to hurt even more! My moms car, was going downhill!… Without her car, neither of us had a way to get to either of our jobs! Finally, on our way to  my 4AMmy mom’s car broke down… One of the managers allowed her to come inside and wait till she can find a way to get home. I continue to press on with a good attitude! Thank God! Friends from church Helped me get to and from my last couple of shifts for that week. Thankfully, they were mid shifts and closing shifts. The following Monday, I went to see my doctor, and he said I had to make a choice. I could either continue to do the job at the rate I was doing it and drive my body further into the hole, or I could give them a modified work order and have the hope of keeping my health in tact and the ability to run future races… I quickly called my manager and asked them for the fax number explaining the situation. They told me that I had another choice to make. Being that I had not gone to one of their doctors, they were not going to take that work order. So, I could choose to continue to do my job and put my health on the line, or I could set myself free and trust that God had a better way… With my moms car not working, my job not willing to take me off the opening shifts… I figured this final decision was a Godsend! I had my doctor write the note saying that I was not going to be returning to work….In the weeks that followed my departure from the store, God began to heal me emotionally and speak to my spirit. Finally, I was giving myself rest… I began to press into the Father… He began to peel back layers… The shame, guilt, resentments, self-hatred… All those things pussing and ready to explode inside… I went to an emotional state, slammed my head against a wall at one point… I still couldn’t understand how a God who love me so much could bring me to a place where I had nothing. Mom and I began to try to figure out what  we were going to do next. My body continued to heal as my emotions continued to heal…. Funny as this may sound to some of you,  however I truly feel that these two things had a direct connection. God slowly stripped each puss filled layer and filled it with his healing power…. Broken I came and soaked in His Word wallowed in worship to Him… Thanksgiving of this year came, and I had the blessing of having my sister  and nephew together with my mom in our HOME  for Thanksgiving as a family …. The only thing missing was my rockin brother Joe. Looking back, I can see the miracle was right in front of my face! That same time last year, we had to have Thanksgiving in a park to be able to accommodate her. What a blessing! Just a few days later, I packed up and headed out to do a housesit. PROVISION! Brothers and sisters from church continued to help me get to and from doctors appointments as well as the grocery store. All I can say, is I’m truly blessed to have my church family…. They’ve helped me not only get to and from places, but have also shown me that there are really trustworthy, good, caring people out there.After being approved by my doctor, I set out to get my first race. The outcome was favorable, and when I went to see my doctor again, he asked if I’d even been  running at all… Simply put, the Lord is CONTINUING to heal my body! Though its been a process.. It’s worth every moment.I am currently at this house it and getting ready to leave, and just up until two weeks ago my mom still did not have a car. Thankfully, my aunt provided a way for her to get one, And she was off to work again!Christmas came, and my heart broke as I didn’t have much to give my mom and my sister. However, the Lord open the door for me to do another race and for my sister and nephew to be there this time! This is s moment I’ll cherish for a lifetime… the sound of my mom and sister (nephew in arms) cheering me to the finish line…. hmmmm We then went back to my house in Crockett, and enjoyed a time of opening presents… Another reflection… Last year, we spend in the rain at the same park as we did on thanksgiving . Now, let me tell you how precious my sister is… On Thanksgiving she had seen that I didn’t have any really warm blankets and knew I needed a new pillow… She went on a hunt for the perfect blanket, sheet set, and pillow… For me! I wasn’t able to get her much, I felt so bad that I wasn’t able to do more for her…. that afternoon, I found out that Johnny (Sharlet’s husban who has been like a dad to me) was in the hospital… my family quickly went to go see him…another moment I wouldn’t trade for the world. Seeing Sharlet and the family all together with … something just felt right. At this time, I’m seeing more and more that it doesn’t matter what job you work , or how far you can run,  or who you impress in life, how much you own, where you travel to… What matters is that you loved God, lived people, and that you’ve loved well. Every moment that I spend with my sister, I desired to be a happy and memorable moment. I truly want my life song to sing for the Lord. Nothing else matters…. I truly believe I’ve been anointed to run… however, when, how, and where is up to the Lord. Ultramarathons… I believe they’ll happen… however, my priority is God, then family THEN ministry. As this house sit closes, mom and I face another challenge. Being that we were out both out of work for such a long time, we’ve been behind on rent…  My landlord who is been continuously patient with us informed us that if we don’t have it by the 1st she will have to give us a notice….I continue to seek the Lord as to what to do next. With my mom having to cram to get her work done, she has no time to take me to and from interviews .  The bus system in Crockett, doesn’t make it easy to get to and from a normal job. … So I continue to press into the word of God, worshiping, praising him and … one thing that goes to my mind is… “Let The Waters Rise” (mikeschair)Don’t know where to begin, it’s like my world’s cavin’ inAnd I try but I can’t control my fear, where do I go from here?Sometimes it’s so hard to pray when You feel so far awayBut I am willin’ to go where You want me to and God I trust YouThere’s a ragin’ sea right in front of meWants to pull me in, bring me to my kneesSo let the waters rise if You want them toI will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow YouI will swim in the deep ’cause You’ll bein’ next to meYou’re in the eye of the storm and the calm of the seaYou’re never out of reachGod, You know where I’ve been and You were there with me thenYou were faithful before, You’ll be faithful again, I’m holdin’ Your handThere’s a ragin’ sea right in front of meWants to pull me in, bring me to my kneesSo let the waters rise if You want them toI will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow YouGod Your love is enough, You will pull me through, I’m holdin’ onto YouGod Your love is enough, I will follow You, I will follow YouThere’s a ragin’ sea right in front of meWants to pull me in, bring me to my kneesSo let the waters rise if You want them toI will follow You, I will follow You, I will follow You

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