A little blessing in the storm

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imageI’ll open today by saying..there are choices that I made…I take full responsibility for my actions. I don’t write this so people can feel sorry for me, I write this so that people can see how God can take a victim and turn into a victor.any details I’ve been closed are strictly for the sole purpose  of showing how emotionally wounded I allowed myself to be.
So, I guess you’re wondering at this point… My dad… So this is a person that got the legal slap on the wrist for violating me as a child…. And yes, I wanted to forgive and try to move forward. After all… Isn’t that what Christ would do? Now, being that he lived in Hawaii, and I had a metro phone, I wasn’t able to call him directly. I had to use the kitty lady’s house phone to call him and have him call me back. So, he offered to get me theeee best present EVER!!! iPhone 4S! Dude, It was the most coveted phone on the market! Noooo way! I was so stoked! He arranged for me to go pick up my phone at Verizon in El Cerrito, And… We were able to contact each other freely. Meanwhile, stress started picking up at the coffee shop, I added a couple house sits to my already busy schedule, Along with doing general errands for my friend from the gym, PLUS train for the San Francisco Marathon, All while trying to heal a puss-filled wound with my dad. For me, keeping myself going was usually the way to heal, Or so I thought. As my dad & I continued to communicate, I thought I was ok… At this point, spiritually, I’d gone from being in the Word and reading books by Christian authors (ie: Joyce Meyer) to only glancing at the happy verses in the word and stuffing myself full of new age…. Ummmm great. Focus gone! It was all about me and visualizing success, focusing on making money, being the creator of my universe… Wow… Lord, I publicly repent for that!Between stress at work, the new relationship with my dad, house sits, training for a new marathon…I had my hands full! Then, news came that my mom had to move being that the company she worked for needed to have her unit remodeled as they’d told us to begin with, it was a temporary place for her. Amazing how events fall into place! The kitty lady also, no longer needed me! And in a short time I went to stay with my mom and help her move out… Right up until the last minute neither of us knew where we were going to move. I kept getting these visions of a sleeping in the car! Thankfully, that wasn’t the case! My mom had checked out a place in Crockett, and it just so happen to work out!Soon, I received news from both my grandmother and my dad that he decided to move to California due to his business crumbling and Hawaii. Hey, I was excited! I had this great vision of us reuniting and having a happy family again, And my dad at the finish line of my marathon! At the end of May a little less than a week before my birthday, I received a call at4 AM. It was my dad and he was at the Oakland airport! He said he been stranded there with his Scarlet macaw, and wasn’t sure if grandma or anyone was on their way to pick him up. I offered to roll out of bed and pick him up and he told me to go back to sleep. I’ve been offered again and asked if was was positive but he declined and told me to go back to bed. I went to sleep, and woke up the next day expecting him to call. I felt tension in the air as I went on my training run and ran errands for my friend… I went to work at the coffee house, kept checking my phone… No call. The next day I started a housesit, and still no call. Then, the day of my birthday I received a call from my aunt yelling at me and asking what I did to my dad. Apparently he was mad at me for not picking them up at the airport. He was threatening to move back to hawaii. This led to emails back-and-forth between him and me discussing why in the world he would want to leave. When finally I got them on the phone he said that he couldn’t stay because I should’ve gotten out of bed regardless of what he said, AND That people were accusing him of things that he did when I was a little girl. He then accused me of being only 15 mins away from the airport saying that he used the GPS to track my phone… What? First of, crocket is no where near 15 min away. second… I had no idea he could track my phone! He continued to her all accusations and scream at me. Fortunately my friend from the gym called on the other line, I told him what was going down, and he told me to hang up on my dad. I turned off the GPS on my phone, then… Turned off the phone all together. I was crushed! This is only beginning of another series of events. My friend from the gym had soon decided to employ me as his family manager for the household. This meant more responsibility, more pay, and a possible business that could lead it to my not having to work for the coffee house anymore. Meanwhile, I felt it best to transfer from the coffe house location that I was at in order to ensure he was no longer following me. Being that I had more responsibilities, and was overseeing my friends household …he offered to set me up with a new cell phone so I wouldn’t have to deal w the worry of the junk w my dad and it would be part of my pay. Just as I was at the Verizon wireless, I received a phone call from my dad on the iPhone. He sounded stressed out, and wanted to know where I was. Apparently, he had shown up at the coffee house that I had recently transferred from. They were instructed to tell him that they had no idea who I was. This infuriated him! Long story short my friend and I ended up at the coffee house, told him to either take the iPhone back or at least sign it over so my friend could put it on a different plan, but he refused. He made complete set seen outside of the coffee house and we parted our ways… I, went off to get a different cell phone…. Within a few weeks, I had received an email from my dad apologizing for everything. He wanted to meet up, and have a real birthday dinner and make up for everything. So, I took into consideration that he was in a lot of stress from the move, and I agreed. The meal went wonderfully and I got to learn a lot about him and what he been doing over the years. The things he said I had to be careful to sift between fact and fict… Regardless, I truly felt like this was a positive step forward! I agreed to take my iPhone and keep it on just so he could call me. Meanwhile, he was not allowed to have my work number, Let alone know it existed. I kept the GPS off, and learn something. The only way I could use my map my run device on my phone is if the GPS was on… So, on the days that I needed to do a long run and need my GPS I would turn it on… This led to another discovery.. He would call just after my runs, Or on the times that I’ve forgotten to turn my GPS off…. So, I decided to play a little game. If I didn’t hear from my dad for a few weeks, I turned the GPS on. When he’d call he dumped a boatload of stress and emotional garbage on me like a garbage dump. I was already dealing with things at home, working both jobs, worries if my sister, training, ect… I tried my best to listen, that was all I could do. Soon, my dad began to promise a car. I already had one so, I wasn’t too worried about it. The first week of July, I received an email … and then another one … and another one… each one displaying pictures of a brand new Honda fit… Then, an email with a question saying “which one do you like?” I freaked out! Within a matter of hours he finished the paperwork and send me an email giving me a visual tour of my new car. Almost a week later, I was on my way with him to Folsom lake to pick it up. What I did with my other car, is between me and Jesus. However, I had no idea what I was getting myself into in accepting this vehicle from him. I believe that part of him really did want to be a good father. I believe that he really wanted to make things work after all these years. However I do know that another part of him was being very manipulative in his actions.Soon, my family management business was picking up. I got hurt at the coffee house, and made the decision to leave. Hurt again, and training for yet another marathon. Meanwhile, dealing with stressed out phone calls from my dad…. The clock ticked down and marathon day came. Dad was a no-show. from that point on after that he would Call me when he was stressed out, or come out to see me when he needed to get away and needed me to be there for him. All that kept going through my mind was “what about you being there for me?”… I Started seeing my chiropractor again…. Begging God daily for my health to come back… Meanwhile, still stuffing my head full of new age. My family management Business picked up so much in fact that I was working off and on from 4 AM till almost10pm on Some days. Still training for random races, and constantly on the go… I think I wasted more money on doctor visits and grabbing food to go being that I lived nowhere near where I worked… So financial struggles raged… And, yet another wave… I received news that my sister was going to have a baby! I freaked out! I knew something was up, my mom had been awkwardly silent for over a week…As Thanksgiving drew near, my heart was so cold toward my sister… My mom wanted to spend turkey day w her, however, this meant not getting to have thanksgiving w a very good friend of mine… Amazing how God works!… I surrendered. I ran the turkey trot that Thanksgiving in Pinole and went back home to help mom prep dinner to bring to Refugio Park being that we still were not to have my sister at our house… She didn’t even know where we lived… This began a process of miraculous heart change in me… As we sat there and ate, I looked across the table, and all I could think is “my baby sister is going to have a baby… Lord, we need a miracle!” After dinner we walked around the park, and for the first time in a long time I enjoyed being in my sister’s company. God was melting my heart.As Christmas drew near, I continued to push myself to train, still battled with injury, Continued to overwork myself between family management, housesit and pet sits… All while diving deeper into New Age, meditation, and focusing on being successful. I was a “spiritual” Christian.The decision was soon made to invite my dad to Christmas dinner. This was to be set up just like Thanksgiving day, being that my sister still was not allowed to know where we lived and my mom requested that my dad never know where we live. Apparently, we didn’t think to check the weather report. It was pouring outside! As he sat in the park in our cars and waited for my dad to show up, I received a call from him asking where we were. Apparently he was right up the street from my house And needed to know exactly which one it was…. Ummm what? I had told him we were having dinner in the park. Also, I never told him where lived. The closest place he’d ever been was the dead fish. I shunted off and gave him directions to the park. He pulled up next to me and was seriously angry again! Completely outraged he drove off as any need you go to the bathroom as we sat in the rain and waited. Yet, another long story cut short he agreed to come back we ate dinner then, agreed to go to a Denny’s so we could dry off and warm-up. We all sat around the table, And I was so excited to finally just have some peace and family time… However, as we were talking he showed me on his iPhone that he had known what I was on numerous occasions. He proceeded to tell me that he’d known where was when I was living in San Diego Long before we’ve ever reunited. My gut sank. Late that night we all parted ways. Life went on.. And the new year came. While on a casual fun jog with my friend Katrina, we exchanged belated Christmas gifts. She gave me “Quantum Faith” and a book that set my course back on Christ’s track called “shadow boxing.” The Lord quickly showed me that the meditation I was doing in the morning was not from him. He continued to reveal to me that I was on a spiritual down spiral, And because of that my life was I’m down spiral.I started feeling more and more tension in the air. I received calls on numerous occasions from my dad who is incredibly stressed out from work and not getting paid. That plus all the things that he was dealing with that home. Apparently, there was a lot of family drama at my grandmas house… But what was I supposed to do? I tried to be compassionate and listen, however how could I when he Didn’t even take a second thought to what I might be going through!!! It was always all about him and what he needed and how hard his life was! Then, he kept complaining that he couldn’t be my cell phone bill and he couldn’t cover car payment. Back-and-forth with the car. A constant tug of war. I felt bad for taking the car in the first place being that he couldn’t afford it…. Some things started going on in my family management business, And after seeking out spiritual counsel from a leader at my church I was advised to step back from it… Not even two weeks, later I received a phone call from my dad… He needed to borrow the car so that he could sleep with and it because things at home had gotten really bad. I was still working and needed the car to drive from family to family at least until the end of that month. So, I asked him if he could kindly wait at least another week or two to let me finish work. This made him mad, and he insisted that I leave the car at an agreed location w the keys under the floor mat. He kept changing days, and I asked him to wait…. Finally, I was finished with work anyway…. I was also fed up with back-and-forth calls about the car. I took the car to the dealership and tried to return it to them…he told them I was his daughter and I took his car and wouldn’t give it back. They wouldn’t take it, Drama,drama,drama. At this point I just wanted to be done with it! I throughout the car drama I ended up calling the police because he was harassing me. During two of the phone calls he had the nerve to say we couldn’t have a relationship because people were accusing him of what he had done to me as a child…. I stopped him right there! I told him he was not going to make me feel bad for what he did to me! it was his choice to leave and he was not going to make me feel like it was my fault.I remember being outraged and screaming at him …telling him he had the opportunity have a second chance.I forgave(&still forgive) him however he had to make the choice to forgive himself, and he wasn’t allowed to manipulate me into pretending like it didn’t happen so he can have peace at home. This sent me into an emotional whirlwind. apparently he has a speaker phone and my grandma heard all of this…. what a mess!I felt as if my entire childhood had happened all over again…. Mentally and emotionally raped…. I made sure I gave him the car just as he requested by leaving it at the dead fish with the keys under the floor-mat… Then, he sent me an email saying how sorry he was and he wanted to give me my car back. I followed the advice given to me by if brother in the Lord who is a law enforcement officer… It was time to stop the harassment, manipulation, stocking, and mental abuse. I started the process of getting a restraining order and…. Once in place, I was no longer able to call my grandmother being that he lived there…. I wept for days… Out of work… Living in Crocket w no vehicle… I’d like to say that I got right back up and said “I can do all things through the one who empowers me within!” After all at this point I was in the word a lot more, I had returned fully to the Lord, and turned my ways from all the New Age and all the meditation…. But I was broken, wounded, devastated! I remember bashing my head against the wall and weeping asking God why! however, God showed me that for the first time in my life I had finally stood up to the first person to ever victimize me. instead of the court system not hearing my testimony, this time I got to stand up and say what has been done. funny, the lyrics to the song “I’m coming home” (my Greyhound benchmark song) go through my mind this time.my life I wanted to know my dad. as I grow older I kept wanting to heal the wounds….so, like the song says”be careful what you wish for because you just might get it all, and then some you don’t want.”
while still in the paperwork/ court process of getting the restraining order, a ray of hope shown… My sister made the decision to get into a program! This was a long process, yet it finally happened! I stood by my word to be there by her side every step of the way. Meanwhile, I was invited to start selling some healthcare products.. New business… Plus rebuilding of family…. My sister and I began to build a relationship… A real relationship… “Delight yourself in The Lord and He will give you the desires of you heart.” Psalm 37:4 and… A phone call came late one night… my sister… she was in labor. my old attitude flared up like i had a right to tell God that it was too late at night to be going to the hospital… then, I heart checked …. the moment I’d waited for since my sister was little… the momen I could be there when she needed me the most… I wasn’t going to miss this! mom and I raced to the hospital in Martinez where my sister was in labor… I tried to catch some z’s in the chair next to her… which ended up being only slightly successful… then, drama… the little guy’s heart beat was having a little struggle, so they had to do a cesarian…. May 10, 2013(just two days before Mother’s Day) My beautiful nephew and light of my life was born! I’ve never seen my mom so tired yet smiling so big…. all of the trials, chasing my sister, trying to rescue her, the prayers, the tears came to this one brilliant moment, in one beautiful baby boy! That  same day, I started the process of getting my nutritional care business started….  there’s always blessings in the storm… That baby boy, my little miracle nephew is a God send to our family… My heart continues to melt like butter for my sister and that precious baby… Boo Bear and Little Dude… I never dreamed this could be possible. Yet, with Christ… You know it goes!… Thus, a new chapter full of hope began to unfold!

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